It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog. I’ve gradually felt better enough to spend time with my chickens, goats, and family in my large garden and backyard forest. I crave the simple life. I crave peace. I find it tucked away in the bosom of nature or the company of animals. That’s where I meet God. I no longer allow drama and toxic people to steal my energy, time, and peace. By helping such broken versions of people, I ended up breaking myself. I’m okay being alone. I love it. I miss some of you, but I pray for you often and wish you well daily.

My progress on the second edition of Yellow Matter is slow. The days of this year seem to have flown by irritatingly fast. But I’ll get there and bring out a better version of a story I absolutely love and find myself in repeatedly.

I keep in touch on the progress of some of your lives via Facebook, where I glimpse in a hurry every now and again. I’m always happy to see you do well and succeed in your life.

I wrote a prayer in the near past when I was momentarily struggling. Here it is:

God, I have to apologize.

At times during my life

I’ve allowed fear to go beyond the normal limits

And spill into the mixture of an ever-consuming torment plaster

Forgetting that I matter in your eyes, that I have value in you, and that’s enough.

For allowing guilt to scramble my thoughts and hunt my emotions

For not believing that you have my back,

For acting impulsively and messing up my conscience in the process.

For doing the right thing and getting frustrated that you did not respond the way I expected

For listening to my own voice and advice more than yours

For taking shortcuts.

For believing the lies in my mind instead of believing your promises

For refusing to take time to get advice from you

For thinking, I’m better than you

For thinking I can do it better than you

For being angry at how slow your response to my perceived problems is

For not having faith that you can help me or that you can help the country and the world.

For taking on my shoulders the burdens that are not mine, thinking I have Jesus’s powers to fix them, only to fall apart

For thinking, I’m better than others at times.

For thinking I’m less valuable than others at times.

For believing I take too much space on this earth.

For believing I don’t have the right to be in this world.

For thinking you are cruel.

For believing that you are stupid.

For wondering if you care.

Ignoring or choosing not to believe that I’m loved and wanted.

For always being afraid.

For not spending time with you.

For thinking the small moments of life I love and cherish are not good enough for me.

For worrying beyond reason.

For hating certain people.

For hating.

For wanting to die.

For thinking I’m a cancer to society.

For not appreciating the gift of life you’ve given me.

For cowardness.

For trying so hard instead of taking time to rest,

For allowing mental torment to strip away my peace and connection with you,

For turning my back to you,

For being afraid to connect with you,

For being afraid, you’ll ask too much of me If I connect,

For loving my comfort to the point that I became numb to other’s pain,

For carrying too much to the point of losing my peace,

For imbalance in my life, soul, and spirit,

Please forgive me.