Buna dragilor. Am dat de o cutie de scrisori pastrate de mine dealungul anilor, scrisori de la parinti, frati si prieteni si de o saptamana le recitesc cu drag. Cuvinte frumoase de la Ica, Camelia Seman (fosta), Nicoleta Muresan, Stoienoiu Monica, Simona Lavric, tusa Rodica si unchiu Marcel, Simona Anitei (fosta) si multe alte persoane si trec prin lanul memoriilor cu zambet in suflet.
Dar cuvintele unei mame, mai ales unei mame care nu mai este fizic aici pe pamant cu noi, sunt cele mai de pret. Prin aceste cuvinte ea imi aminteste multe lucruri care le-am auzit dealungul anilor, lucruri frumoase la adresa lui Dumnezeu ca de exemplu: “Eu una cred in fagaduinta lui Dumnezeu prin cuvantul sau ca daca eu sunt in El si El este conducatorul vietii mele (aceptand aceasta in fiecare zi): “Astazi a intrat mantuirea in casa aceasta” sau “Tu si casa ta” ve-ti fi mantuiti, primindu-va pe toti ca o binecuvantare si daruri de la Dumnezeu asa ve-ti ramane mereu “ai Lui” nu ai mei.” Randurile astea mau pus pe gand: cand am spus ultima data Doamne ca-ci ai mei copii sunt ai tai? Ca atare iti multumesc ca mi i-ai dat imprumut pe aceasta perioada a vietii pe pamant si da-mi in continuare intelepciune sai sfatuiesc in planurile care le au pentru viitorul lor dar sa nu uit de tine Doamne. O mama draga nu am inteles eu mai nimic pana nu am devenit si eu mama. Cat de mult fac vorbele mamei, mai ales a unei mame intelepte. Cat de buna temelie construieste mama care iubeste pe Dumenzeu si se lasa ajutata de El. Roadele se vad de obicei dupa multi ani si numai atunci de multe ori. Rabdarea unei mame e nelimitata.
A trebuit sa impart aceste lucruri cu voi azi:) Va doresc o zi,sear, dimineata buna si muta rabdare, putere si intelepciune pentru toate mamele, pentru ca ele construiesc viitorul.
In viata nu ai cum sa inaintezi fara ajutorul celor apropiati. Domnul pune multe persoane in calea noastra sau in cazul asta in familia noastra ca sa ne ajute si sa ne indrume. Ei, pentru mine printre acesti oameni speciali sunt si unchiu Marcel si tusa Rodica.
Oameni buni si muncitori au trecut prin multe incercari in viata lor dar si au biruit. Ma impresionat intotdeauna faptul ca au avut mult curaj si au reusit sa faca multe in viata.
Unchiu a muncit ca miner in Judetul Hunedoara. Asta mi-aduc aminte cand eram eu copil, pe urma a plecat in strainatate si a lucrat in Austria si Italia. Pentru cei care sunt plecati din tara in strainate stiu ca nu-i usor sa traiesti printre straini. Dar revenim la timpurile copilariei: cand mergeam la ei acasa eram bine veniti, serviti tot timpul cu mancare buna si conversatia era interesanta. (Eu sunt o persoana tacuta cand stam fata in fata, ca atare nu interesanta, dar tusa si unchiu in schimb nu-s asa.)
Sora mai mica a lui mama, tusa este alta persoana importanta in viata mea:) Imi place ca e cocheta, si are un fel foarte clar si frumos de a vorbi. Foarte foarte amiabila. (Sunt multe cuvinte care le-am uitat pe romaneste si imi limiteaza stilul de a scrie, scuze.) Cand mergeam la ei-pe timpul copilariei- ma jucam mult cu verisorii mei mai mari, dar cand am crescut si eram domnisoara stateam altfel de vorba cu tusa si unchiu:) Si acuma, ma bucur mult cand pot vorbi cu tusa, ea imi aduce aminte mult de anumite aspecte din copilaria ei si a lui mama:) Cu dar profetic mi-aduc aminte multe cercuri de rugaciuni se faceau la ei in apartamentul din Hunedoara, pe vremea comunismului. E, ce vremuri. Tot la ea am petrecut mult timp la telefon cand vorbeam cu Chet inainte de a ne casatori. Pe timpul ala trebuia sa astept cel putin jumate de ora pana se facea legatura si asteptand, stateam de vorba cand de una cand de alta cu ei. Vorbind cu tusa aflu multe lucruri din trecutul ei, si o apreciez si mai mult. A trecut prin multe dar a si biruit mult cu ajutorul lui Dumnezeu si sunt mandra de ea:) Si de unchiu. Pe vremea comunismului nu a fost usor pentru familiile crestine si cu multi copii, dar in ciuda faprului asta au trecut cu ajutorul D-lui peste multe dificultati. Dar tusa a fost si a ramas frumoasa:) Doamne iti multumesc ca ii am in viata mea si le doresc in continuare multa sanatate si multa pace de la Domnul:)
The book I’ve been quoting from in this mini-series tells us how we became unbalanced: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson, PshyD. I will not focus on that aspect any longer. It’s too hard, too sad and I’ve walked long enough on that path. I want to focus on how we conquer the wrongs which happened to us at one point or another in the past. (Keep in mind that healing takes time, don’t allow others to pressure you in their way or idea of how your healing should happen or its timing. However, don’t use the past pain as an excuse to live in a victimization world of anger where you hurt others.)
That being said lets talk about rebalance. The video I shared above is awesome and I would encourage you to listen to it when you have a moment.
What is the one thing you’ve done wrong in the past that doesn’t help you to move on and live the happy life you dream or hope for?
Mine was guilt. Un unbalanced sense of guilt over every action I took in life- be that good or not. As a consequence I became my worst nightmare. My own prosecutor and judge, sentencing my every cell to labor camp. How about you?
How do I rebalance from that? I look at the root cause, but to get to the root cause I had to peel many layers. Have I fully found the root cause? Not sure, but I don’t seem to care about it any longer. My new focus and desire is to continue to enjoy life as I am at the moment. This means that along my road to finding the cause I found one important and vital element missing in my life- forgiveness. I lacked forgiveness towards my self and others. While dying a motherly presence as I can only account it as a hallucination due to being so close to death, a hallucination non-the-less beautiful I knew it was Godly, stayed by my bed side and taught me some things I desperately needed to learn. How much value I actually have in this universe of ours and how worthy of love I was. Not sure how it happened by forgiveness came as a result of it without any effort.
How will you go about believing that you too matter more than life itself? I’m not sure but read, read, read, pray, meditate and ask yourself one question: Are you truly 100% bad? It’s impossible for someone to be 100% bad. This is from a scientifically and factual point of view. Impossible! And a second question equally important: What if you have been wrong thinking that you were bad or not valuable all these years? What if? What if you are actually the opposite?
These two questions began my journey towards healing. It was hard to accept, let alone believe that I could be good and that I was worth forgiving, but I persisted. I kept asking myself when doubt came: What if I’m wrong? What if I’ve been blind all these years? Others see value in me, what if they were right?
It’s scary, right? Why not try? Why not believe? Why not balance the scale?
Is it selfish to take care of yourself? Coming up in Part 7.
Note: Other books you may be interested in reading: “the highly sensitive person’s guide to dealing with toxic people” by Shahida Arabi, MA
For those who need Bible versus as back up to what I wrote here today: Romans 12; Proverbs 4:23; Colossians 3:2; Romans 8:6; Philippines 4:8.
Sheez! This is a sad subject I chose to write about! I’d rather tell you a joke or something funny than keep going. I’m happy and content in my life so it’s hard to dwell on these matters. But something deep within me hears another’s cry out for help.
“Waking Up to Anger
Because anger is an expression of individuality, it’s the emotion that emotionally immature parents most often punish their children for having. But anger can be a helpful emotion because it gives people energy to do things differently and lets them see themselves as worthy of sticking up for. It’s often a good sign when overly responsible, anxious, or depressed people begin to be consciously aware of feeling angry. It indicates that their true self is coming to the fore and that they’re beginning to care about themselves.”
“Feeling guilty for being unhappy.” In one sentence; “They struggle with feelings of selfishness for wanting something more in life.” I used to be that person. I carried enormous guilt if I purchased a piece of clothing for myself as if I directly stole food off poor people’s tables all over the world and God was going to smite me for being so selfish. I’m not talking about excessive spending. I’m talking about wearing one pair of jeans for 8 years and my hubby dragging me inside a mall so I would buy more jeans only to return to my old pair for another two years meanwhile suffering immense guilt over the wasted money. Now that’s an imbalance, usually caused by being taught that others are more important than you are, and these “others” deserve more than you ever will. But I’ve learned there is a time for everything. Meaning- balance is important. (Ephesians 4:26).
You know… maybe this wasn’t such a great choice of books and subjects to talk and write about it. I’m struggling to want to keep going. It’s too sad. Don’t you think? Let me know.
Note: All quotes were taken out of the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents “by Lindsey C. Gibson
“The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury, but it doesn’t show on the outside.”
Or is it?
“Parents who are emotionally immature …they discount feelings and fear emotional intimacy. Such parents may even become nervous and angry if their children get upset, punishing them instead of comforting them. These reactions shut down children’s instinctive urge to reach out, closing the door to emotional contact. This type of loneliness isn’t an odd or senseless feeling; it’s the predictable result of growing up without sufficient empathy from others.”
I’ve been on the receiving end of this emotional loneliness and the giving end too and it explains a lot, (at least to me) of my earlier emotional struggles. Let me make one thing clear. We all struggle no matter how wonderful or not our parents are, no matter the environment we grew up in, etc. Some people struggle from being spoiled brats with entitled attitudes, while others struggle to find value and meaning before it’s too late.
And it’s right about now I feel the anxiety hit me: Why do you write about these things? Who cares about this stuff? You’re embarrassing yourself. No one’s perfect so why do you have to always pick at things?
I care. As Eleen put it. I care. Deep breath in. Keep going Carmen even if it’s a mistake. That’s how you learn. Self-talk guys, that’s my self-talk as I try not to hyperventilate here. Did I tell you that I HATE BEING VULNERABLE AND OPENING UP? I do. Keep it together. Breath. Continue. With frightful tears in my eyes, I’ll continue.
“Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people’s needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others. lacking adequate parental support or connections, many emotionally deprived children are eager to leave childhood behind. They perceive that the best solution is to grow up quickly and become self-sufficient. These children become competent beyond their years but lonely at their core. They often jump into adulthood prematurely. getting jobs as soon as they can, becoming sexually active, marrying early, or joining the service. It’s as though they’re saying, Since I’m already taking care of myself, I might as well go ahead and get the benefits of growing up fast. They look forward to adulthood believing it offers freedom and a chance to belong. Sadly, in their rush to leave home, they may end up marrying the wrong person, tolerating exploitation, or staying with a job that takes more than it gives. They often settle for emotional loneliness in their relationship because it feels normal to them, like their early home life.”
From a biblical point of view here are some verses: 1 Colossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:3-4; Ephesians 4:29; Proverbs 12:18; Proverbs 15:4; Proverbs 15:1; Proverbs 22:24-25; Proverbs 19:18; Luke 6:31 are some of them.
Well, that explains a few things to me about my early lack of trust in any relationship. As a child, I had to take the role of a parent, a referee, a pleaser, and a worker. I did grow up before my time but I’ve learned strength as well, yet… that emotional loneliness was ever so present unbeknown to me.
Thank God for one thing. Since 2014 and this battle with Lyme I’ve learned so much about myself and have been recovering faithfully. I hope the same for you.
But why do you feel guilty for being unhappy? Coming up in Part 5.
*All quotes are taken from the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson, PsyD
Note: I would never presume anyone could or should change overnight. It takes time to heal. My walk toward healing began many years ago and it was a gradual advance. At times I got stuck. At times I had great victories. A deep desire fueled my efforts to search, read and practice what I learned. If I would have read the books I’m reading today back then most likely I would’ve reacted to the information. Today it’s different. I can put my ego aside and read them with intense interest and perspective.
Why so angry?
I’ve asked myself this question over the years while busy blaming people. There was some foundation to my acute anger, such as a certain amount of pain and hard life circumstances but let me tell you where I went wrong. I call it a chronic state of anger. Yep. And I chose to live in that state, unintentionally at first but habitually later on.
What is chronic anger? At least in my case? Choosing to repeat over and over in my mind some unfortunate event that happened to me a thousand times. My body thus lived a thousand perceived misfortunes and it paid dearly for that. Since at times, I’m positive I was the cause of someone else’s pain this is a subject that includes most of us. This is not a blame game but rather a way to heal, the road out of a bad cycle we can get trapped in.
Consequence of chronic anger? A weakened immune system over a prolonged period of time until the bomb explodes inside us and we are no longer the people we used to be. This happens due to “forgiveness insufficiency” as I call it, or forgiveness atrophy in my case. I’ve never used the forgiving muscles while younger and when I needed them they were not there to do the job, thus forgiveness atrophy followed.
How do we change?
There are many books and therapy styles out there. I’ll choose the two books I’m reading at the moment. Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents -How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, and Mind to Matter by Dawson Church.
Hi, my name is Carmen and I’m an angroholic. Yes, you read that right, angroholic. It’s been a while since my last fit, but this anger lurkes ever so slimy in the background and it’s work on my behalf that keeps it at bay.
Out of the many styles of manifested anger, mine is the silent type, the kind of anger I’m too ashamed of feeling because I was thought that it isn’t spiritual or godly to express anger, so it became a hidden danger, a danger when not thought properly turns into resentment.
Is anger bad? Not always. There are certain circumstances in life that require a healthy angry response. For example, if you see your child being bullied or your mom being hit or any other type of injustice. A reaction follows usually out of love and the need to protect. Or if a car starts to slide towards you, you get out of the way since fear shouts out an urgent response to the brain and the brain gives the command: move away from danger. A healthy survival mechanism.
Is chronic anger bad? Yes. Always. It’s about the latter that I will be talking about.
But why so angry? It is this road we’ll travel in this mini-series of mine.
I feel I have neglected you, dear reader, these past two years. I’ve given you facts but I kept my heart mostly to myself. Well, it’s been a hard two years with too many collosol losses, so my mind nearly lived on a surface level, avoiding the deep ends of heart-searching. In a way it was refreshing. Too much thinking is known to be detrimental.
How am I, really? Improving in all aspects, slowly. However, I’m still very much in a state of health that remains socially unreliable at times as I continually keep a close watch over my health. I got covid at the end of October 2022, for the first time. Since then a lingering chest issue remains. This issue has weakened the immune system to such an extent that some Lyme symptoms seem to sprout again, along with some kidney issues.
Despite this, I’ve had a nagging feeling these past months that I should start writing again, more in-depth and meaningful but I have been struggling with the subject that I should address. So I’ll pick one that it’s of interest to me now and if that changes along the way it shall be seen.
Chronic illness, I learned a long time back, it’s a physical “cry out” to an emotional and well-hidden “cry in”. This “cry-in” combined with destructive habits such as a poor diet, poor or abusive mental self-talk, and lack of care is seen almost entirely existing along patients who struggle with chronic illness. So I had to take a look at my own life, to examine this life I have been given as a gift but perceived otherwise for many years or taken for granted. My diet was excellent by American standards even if a bit heavy on carbs. (Weirdly I don’t care for pasta dishes so it’s mostly bread, pastry, and cakes.) I moved quite a bit even if I didn’t do strenuous exercise so why did I get chronically sick? I asked myself that question many times over these past eight years, avoiding the one obvious answer staring me in the face all along.
Today is a hard day for the Damean siblings and for my dad. Mom would’ve turned 70 years old. We miss her so much it’s hard to talk about anything or think. We all mourn her silently and deeply as if we lost her yesterday. The only thing that comforts us is knowing she no longer suffers pain and illness. The picture above was taken in 2000 if I remember correctly, during one of our visits back to Romania at a family reunion.
If your mom is still with you I pray she’s in good health, and that you get to spend lots of time with her and let her know how much she means to you. Let her know that she’s awesome and her imperfections make her that much more unique.
Yeh, nothing else to tell you, I just miss my mom a lot.