B.O.C. Breaking Free- Identity Crisis

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

I’m back with another blog on the Series: Bride of Christ Breaking Free. For the next few months, I’ll cover “Identity Crisis”. Your voices, struggles, and victories are my fuel for now.

What is an Identity Crisis?

Google – An identity crisis is a period of confusion and doubt surrounding one’s sense of self. It often occurs during times of transition or when someone is forced to confront aspects of their life that conflict with the roles they have taken on.

Medical News Today.– An identity crisis is a phase many people go through when they question or reassess who they are. A search for identity is common during the teenage years, but people may also reassess their lives after a major life event, such as retirement.

Bible – 1 Peter 2:9: This verse establishes identity as being a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, and a peculiar people. It also states that people have been called out of darkness and placed into God’s light.

Romans 8:14- 17: This passage states that people are adopted children of God.

  • Romans 8:29
  • Matthew 5:48
  • Romans 12:3
  • Psalm 139:13-14
  • Ephesians 2:10
  • Romans 12:4-5
  • Romans 12:6-8
  • Ephesians 3:19
  • Ephesians 4:13
  • Joshua 1:8

Your Experience:

Anonymous, age 20-30, Eastern European heritage, born in America.

Part 1

Personally, for a long time, I was very angry because I was a girl. I felt tomboyish and more masculine. Also, Slavic women are made this way. To be brutish, strong, bold, and stubborn. I also grew up mainly around boys, my brothers and my father, and I was around men more than women. Usually, when I was around women, it was not in a positive situation, you know, the moms gossiping, the whole nine yards. I had a few girlfriends, but my friends were also masculine and tomboyish. I didn’t have an issue with that growing up, wearing cargo pants, etc., and it wasn’t until I was starting to be made fun of by boys for looking like a boy and acting like a boy that I noticed (I was made aware) that something was maybe wrong with me? That’s when the insecurity kind of started when I was a child, maybe 10? I was now told externally that something was wrong with me, but I didn’t think anything was wrong with me. Then, my mom began to be more verbally abusive to me for this, and I had to wear girly clothes and start shaving. My period began maybe 13 1/2, 14 years old, and I had to learn about that in school because my mom would not talk to me. Periods are shameful in our house, and I was not allowed to speak about it. Things started to get weird, and that’s when I began to fall into depression because of the distance and the aggression from my parents. I would see how my brothers were treated; they were coddled and praised, and I was forced to serve the guests and do things in the kitchen. But let’s stay focused on gender identity specifically cause there are so many identity crises we can talk about. I was envious for a long time cause I thought that if I was a man, be more masculine, then I would be liked, respected, and loved more, manly by my parents, you know. If I were a son, my parents would treat me better. And I know my parents wanted sons, so the fact that I wasn’t born a biological male was a disappointment to a limited extent. (Eastern Europeans want sons more than girls; it is part of the culture.) Cause I suppose girls are more difficult to raise.

I grew up with the birth of the internet, the late bloom of the internet when it was uncensored. Communication was just beginning to become a thing online, and social media was still brand new. I’ve learned about everything from the internet, good and bad, mainly good: what is a period? How to take care of yourself, politics, anatomy, sex, all of it was from the internet. We didn’t have these teachings in my house. And when I went into high school and saw what was happening with queer people being murdered, black people being murdered, you go to different countries and see that being gay is illegal; I think also Obama legalized gay marriage during his presidency? I was still young, and I did not understand, but I knew I was a big deal. You start to have talks about sexuality when you’re younger, and you’re curious about it cause I’m always curious about everything. When I was in my rehab therapy, I hated being a girl because of the way that I was being treated, obviously. For a long time, I considered transitioning to surgically be a man cause I thought that if I was to be a man, I would be better. But I also knew that if I were to transition to be a man, I would be hated by my parents even more because I would be, you know, demonic for being transgender, kind of like a lose-lose situation. But I was convinced that would solve all my problems cause of the oppression that girls receive from culture.

I think people have more than one identity crisis; I’ve seen it, I’ve had it, my mom has it, and I’ve seen it many times. Specifically, with children who are from immigrant houses and immigrant families, we have a very unique struggle with identity and meaning when…For example, I’m the first American-born generation to be born into our family. My youngest sibling and I are the firstborn in the U.S. in our entire family line, and we don’t have dual citizenship. We have very few connections to the Eastern European country my family comes from, but we’re still part of the culture- here in the States- and my parents intentionally raised us to not speak anything but English because they wanted to speak the native language for themselves. (It’s a way to keep certain matters secret from the prying ears of children.) So, we don’t fit in when we go to Eastern Europe. We don’t fit in when we go to Slavic group community events in the U.S. because we’re not integrated. So we’re alienated from the get-go. And because I didn’t behave and dress like a typical Slavic girl either, I was also alienated from the men and women because I was seen as this crazy, woke freak.
Then, my suicide attempt and drug addiction, which came later, it was announced. Then I really was starting to be perceived as the delinquent, junky daughter that my family had to deal with, so for me specifically, I was incredibly alienated from the beginning. And I just got worse. A lot of the time, when you’re receiving sort of judgment from the parents: you know, “We grew up hard, you have it easy,” all of the verbal condemnation makes you question your self-worth or why you exist. Because I was being blamed for things that were not my fault, they would get angry about their marriage problems and take it out on their children—as many parents in that generation do. So from a child’s perspective, when you’re being told, having me was so hard, and you’re the problem, and you’re questioning why you are the problem; it just kind of spirals. When we don’t feel like we belong, as children, we go and find people and things that make us feel like we belong. It can be, usually, a daunting influence, right? Bad people. And you do bad things most of the time. I would start swearing, and I would stay up with kids who stayed up late, kids who were rebellious, kids who hated their parents, kids who were rich, and kids who were poor. Wherever there’s a place where people are nice to you, accept you for who you are, at least temporarily, and enjoy your company, you will go to them. And in high school, that was the case for me. I was around all sorts of people, smoking all kinds of things. I was also incredibly depressed. I was not sober for most of my high school years, and you find adults who would speak to you normally, so I got a lot of attachments to my teachers. And when you don’t know who you are, or you’re struggling to be confident in who you are, because when you’re told that the way that you are is a burden or a problem, you will search for something to fill that void. When I left God when I was a teen cause, I was angry with Him because I thought that the actions of the church were ordained by Him. I didn’t even want to bother with Christian rules or truth because I had associated abuse in God’s name with God allowing it. I was young. I didn’t study, and being in Seattle, where there’s more of a liberal environment, you have a lot of anti-Jesus people. You have a lot of atheists, a lot… that’s not to say they’re bad people because I’ve had amazing conversations with these people. Understanding rhetoric, how the world works, science, why they don’t believe in God or challenge God, and all of these things. Learning about other religions, that sort of stuff. Then, I began getting back into Bible study when I was a junior in high school. My friends and I did a weekly bible study and were part of a youth group every Wednesday. That’s where I met a good Christian community, and we were all a cute little squad. I felt love, but for some reason, I didn’t really equate much to it, I was Christian and believed in God, but I still didn’t believe the truth. So I was struggling in this weird teeter-totter of being this rebel, edgy, gender non-conforming, “fight the patriarchy, fight the rules” kid. Trying to fit in, but also going to church with my friends and praising God. I was also accepted for being that rebellious, ugly kid in my youth group, which I think really shifted my perspective. When you have people who don’t have community because they’re so deeply hurt by people, the church, and their parents, they will go seek a community and things that will make them feel better.

Sexuality is such a convoluted, multilayered thing. From my perspective, my observation: when you see queer people, maybe vegans, or other religions, who make their oppression— cause I see a lot of white people do this—they make their thing their identity. They make being gay their identity, they make being small their identity, they make being vegan their identity, so they have to go and tell everybody all of the time that they are this, and if we don’t do what they want, then we’re oppressing them as the minority. I’ve seen this a lot with white young girls in my generation and younger, and I know now because I was the same; the majority of the time, this happens because it is a cry for attention because they don’t feel seen and heard and they feel insecure and they’re lost. And so, being oppressed gives them attention. As crappy as this is to say, it’s true. So, when we trauma bond in these groups, when we get together, and we cry about how hard it is to be young and queer, we have people who are brothers in arms, if you will, who relate to the struggle and we feel connected to them because of the similarity in the trauma, and we make this struggle and this trauma our shield. I’m not saying you can’t be proud or comfortable with who you are, but it comes with a level of illusion and deception when we make one thing about ourselves sort of at the forefront of our reality.
And that’s why you have this identity crisis, and you have this identity in the world, and you see a lot of gay people reject God because of the hurt they had from the church, but also because of their struggle: if I go, or have an identity in God, go to Christ, and I have to sacrifice being gay, which is again complicated, is not necessarily true, that’s a thing between Christ and the child and conversion can change, by their choice. Salvation is still achievable, but it gets weird; it gets complicated. When you have children who suddenly identify as queer, for example, their parents are Christian and especially if they come from a culture in an immigrant-parent household where they’re brutal and straightforward, refuse to change, and it’s all about the old orthodox religion structure, its’ do or die, repent or you’ll be burned, this very intense, extreme level, of almost a religious practice, more than a spiritual practice, and so, when a child suddenly identifies as queer, and they try to be honest with their parents, but they’re automatically on the defense because they know they’ll be hated, unlike because of “who they are,” they’ll now struggle to feel accepted by their family. So the parents, or whoever, become the enemy, and they’ll try to fight you and run away.
That’s just the general mentality that I’ve had, and I see many people who have had it. It stems from seeking external validation cause internally, we’re struggling, and we’re trying to fill the void and feel loved because we don’t love ourselves. After all, every child and every human wants to be loved, and when we don’t feel loved, we don’t feel good, and we try to find things to make us feel good. I noticed that the people who are far from God feel the most miserable, and because of none of that supernatural joy is there to sustain, and even people who are in church and are godly but don’t have a close relationship with Him are also miserable. And in a lot of ways, identity becomes weaponized because if someone is against me, then they hate me. So they get defensive, and they have to fight, and all stems from not feeling wanted or being invisible or unheard, our ego, insecurity, and our place in the world. And because we live in a free country, with freedom of speech, and we love everybody, Jesus is a soft pony baby, and discipline is bad; we should all cuddle each other and love each other with no truth, no tough love, no struggle because we equate struggle and discipline and correction to damnation and condemnation, attack, hatred, oppression, and we get so riled up, and get so nastily defensive because we think that it’s a life and death situation, because of the survival habits and mechanisms that had to be made for a time in life to survive specific situations. Like, we’re not getting murdered in the streets; I’m talking about the non-oppressed kids. We might be uncomfortable, but we’re not butchered and lynched for being Christian or gay like it happens in other countries. We’re not in the crusades. Some people are in other countries, in wars, and we’re not, so being mad, uncomfortable, and guilty is more of a blessing and privilege. You know what I mean? Like, I can go in the streets and proclaim whatever I want, but I’m not going to get killed for wearing a cross or a pride flag.

I also think identity ties to our job, our environment, our family, and so when you lose something, you go through a divorce, you lose a husband, a friend, your house, move to a different country, a piece of you is left behind, so you feel like you’re kind of spiraling into nothing because we equate our person, our existence, our identity with our external environment so heavily. That’s when you see people identifying with their careers, things like that, that we break when it’s taken from us. We focus so much externally, not internally, and because we don’t put our identity in Christ, and so we get lost in the things that are no longer tangible, meaning the routine and the comfort of life that has changed. Moving, dropping out of school, having a break-up- all of these things have attachments to us, and we just focus on those attachments as being who we are. That’s where deception comes in, and it gets very damaging. I also think the Devil works very well in this regard of split personality disorder, narcissism, and schizophrenia; when a spirit can attach itself to you and fuel the confusion and the ego and the spiral, you feel crazy. And some people are crazy because of those demonic spirit attachments that thrive off of conflict and all of these things. And so, it’s such a struggle because a lot of the time it does come from a trauma, it comes from pain, it comes from some level of oppression, and to make a name for yourself, and to have independence and not be like your oppressor and to be not like your family, or culture because we also equate “going home” to war and brutalism and all of these things. It’s complicated, and there are many aspects in this, spiritual identity, gender identity, you know, logical identity, so many aspects that people delve into cause humans are so complicated, and we are just desperate to fit in. To feel good is the root of the crisis.

Part 2 coming soon.

Seria: Amintiri din copilarie

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

La majoratul lui Alin Lavric, fratele lui Simona, verisoara mea.

Continui seria: Amintiri din Copilarie cu raspunsul lui Simona la blogul de ieri:

“Funny enough,eu as fi dat orice sa traiesc in familia ta :))),mama imi povesteste ca ducea uneori mancarea la voi unde eu o mancam fara mofturi alaturi de voi. Amintirile mele cele mai frumoase sunt de la tine de acasa, jucandu-ma si ingrijind de fratii mai mici. Ne-am bucurat de o copilarie unica, amintiri pe care nu le vom uita si vremuri care nu se mai intorc!Te imbratisez”

Asa este. Amintiri pe care nu le v-om uita. Dar ce amintiri avem noi cu Dumnezeu, Isus si Duhul Sfant? Numai asa putem birui depresia, descurajarea si frica, amintindu-ne ce a facut Dumenzeu in vietile noastre personale, si eu una, nu am de ce sa ma plang. Exact ca amintirile vietii mele cu Simona, de exemplu, amintiri extrem de pretioase, la fel am amintiri cu Dumnezeu, extrem de pretioase care imi dau putere, curaj, imi pune zambet in suflet, si in gandire ori de cate ori descurajarea vine. Ca de exemplu: incurajarea care am primit-o cand m-am simtit extrem de singura, dupa cateva luni in America, singuratate care e greu de explicat celui care nu a trecut prin asa ceva. Dar, intr-o zi, cand eram la piata din Seattle, printre aglomeratia care era atunci la piata, o femeie scunda, tunsa baieteste, pitica, bruneta, si subtirica- daca stau bine sa ma gandesc o dublura a mea cand eram mica- odata in dreptul meu, mi-a spus clar :”Ai o fata de inger.” Atat eu cat si Chet am ramas inmarmuriti si ne-am intors imediat sa-i multumim dar femeia disparu-se. Ne-am imbrancit printre oameni, Chet fiind inalt a putut sa caute peste capetele din jur, dar pur si simplu femeia disparuse in cateva secunde fara urma. Am stiut imediat ca Dumnezeu mi-a trimis o incurajare in trup de om, o femeie de data asta, si am inceput sa plang de bucurie, pentru ca Dumnezeu mi-a adus aminte de un lucru important: chiar dace eram departe de tara, de familie, de prieteni si de cultura, nu eram de fel departe de Dumenzeu. Si acest fapt mi-a dat puterea de a continua ceea ce cu ajutorul lui Dumnezeu incepuse-mi: adica o viata cu noul meu sot, Chet, intr-o tara straina. De atunci au trecut 30 de ani, dar si acuma vad detaliile acelui inger in trup de om, care a fost trimis de Dumnezeu pentru a incuraja copilul lui:)

Ce amintiri aveti voi cu Dumnezeu? Cum va ajutat El? Cand puterea memoriilor noastra este invadata de binecuvantarile create de Dumnezeu in viata noastra, atunci simtamantul nostru va fi plin de pace si implinire.

Isaia 46:9 (VDC)

Aduceți-vă aminte de cele petrecute în vremurile străbune, căci Eu sunt Dumnezeu, și nu este altul , Eu sunt Dumnezeu, și nu este niciunul ca Mine.

Psalmul 126:3 VDC

Da, Domnul a făcut mari lucruri pentru noi și de aceea suntem plini de bucurie.

O zi binecuvantata va doresc la toti:)

Noua Serie: Amintiri din copilarie

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment
Verisoara mea, Simona

In fotografie: Simona, verisoara mea cu un prieten

Am crescut in Romania, orasul Hunedoara, desi nu m-am nascut acolo. Odata cu sosirea adolescentei, parintii m-au lasat- un pic- sa merg in vizite la anumite persoane.

Una din cele mai frumoase amintiri care le am, au fost vizitele mele la verisoara mea acasa, Simona Lavric:) Imi placea sa merg la ea acasa pentru ca avea bomboane, ciocolata, si in general mancare buna si asa ma bucuram si eu un pic de dulciuri, desi nu am avut patima dulciurilor pana nu am dat de menopauza, acum 10 ani:) Revin: Numai ce venisem de la tara, de la Ibanesti, unde am petrecut cateva saptamani cu strabunica mea si am baut lapte proaspat direct dupa ce vaca a fost mulsa, sau la tanti Ticuta am mancat/baut lapte batut cu cozonac cu mac. Simona, mi-a oferit un pahar de lapte, lapte de oras, si in cateva minute am invatat cat de neplacuta e intoleranta la lapte sau produse lactate. De atunci intoleranta a ramas pana in ziua de azi.

Imi aduc aminte Simona, (sa nu fie confundata Simona Lavric cu Simona Anitei, matusa mea:) o cutie plina cu bomboane in vitrina si nu puteam sa cred ca nu era goala cutia. La noi acasa ar fi fost golita in cateva secunde. Conversatiile noastre, desi nu mi le aduc aminte, poate Simona si le aduce aminte, erau frumoase, pentru ca emotiile care au ramas in urma de bucurie cand eram impreuna palpiteaza in sufletul meu si-n ziua de azi:) Dar cel mai mult am indragit balconul ei. Pe vremea aia- in anii tarzii ai 1980- balconul ei era inchis (numai cei cu bani isi permiteau asa ceva), si avea multe plante si flori pe pervaz si in general in balcon dar era un pat fain unde stateam si citeam impreuna, sau desenam, sau stateam la taifas:) Eu, fiind cea mai mare la 12 frati si surori nu aveam conditiile care le avea Simona, ea avand numai un frate mai mare, Alin. Parintii ei, tanti Ghiinuta si nea Ionel, lucrau amandoi, si conditiile pe vremea aia in timpul comunismului, erau mult mai bune la ea acasa, fapt care ma facea sa doresc sa petrec mai mult timp acolo. Dar fiind cea mai mare, si mama avand nevoie de ajutorul meu, acele momente de relaxare au fost rare dar indragite la maxim.

Imi aduc aminte cu drag de balconul Simonei, inchis, unde m-am simtit pentru cateva momente in viata mea in siguranta, relaxata si libera sa citesc cat am dorit de mult. Ii multumesc lui Dumnezeu ori de cate ori imi aduc aminte de aceste momente frumoase, ii multumesc ca am avut parte de ele, si imi dau seama tot mai mult cat de importanti sunt oamenii din jurul nostru.

Va doresc o zi binecuvantata si stiu ca si voi aveti asemenea momente faine din copilarie sau adolescenta pe care le indragiti. Apreciati-le, aprecia-ti oamneii din jurul si mediul vostru ca Dumenzeu ia pus in viata voastra cu intentie:)

O zi binecuvantata va doresc la toti:)

B.O.C Breaking Free

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Bride of Christ Breaking Free, Part 2.

I believe the most essential thing in life is a relationship with the Trinity: God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. It’s an odd concept for some, but it works for me. Nowadays, the church, or the Bride of Christ, is a little lost. She’s often been manipulated and wounded. But back to the Trinity.

It’s kept you and me alive this long, and if your life is not what you expected it to be, pay attention to your fears, for those are most likely the enemies of your big dreams. Your fears, my fears, are most likely keeping us from our potential and destiny and keeping us at the back of the line if we let it. One of my fears is writing blogs, exposing myself and my failures. Most of the time, I feel like a coward because it’s easy to sit down and write a blog, but it’s more challenging to be out in public and get things done. Before posting a blog, I ask myself: What can I add to help you? So, it’s not Jesus that keeps me from reaching out; it’s fear. But what’s the worst that could happen from reaching out? I fail? You fail? That’s temporary. We get up.

I get up, glad that another wrong route toward my destiny got eliminated. You do the same. Not repeating a failed attempt is a success, so we must move in a new direction and try again. That’s perseverance. Never getting up and crying, accepting the ground you’re on as your limitation, that’s giving up. To be a failure is to give up, but since you and I are up and about our day, it tells me we’re not giving up. Some days, we may be a little slow in our progress, but that’s not giving up. Keep going and look up at the sky more often, for I believe we’ve memorized the ground by now. Looking up gives us a different perspective.

So, in conclusion, the most essential thing in our mental health is a good relationship with the Trinity, in whatever form you connect with it.

Psalm 33:34; 46: 1-3; 23:4; Isaiah 41:10; Proverbs 29:25; Mathew 10:28; 1 John 4:18.

God Bless:)

Română

Mireasa lui Hristos Eliberându-se, Partea a 2-a.

Cred că cel mai esențial lucru în viață este relația noastră cu Treimea: Dumnezeu, Isus și Duhul Sfânt. Este un concept ciudat pentru unii, dar funcționează pentru mine. În zilele noastre, Biserica, sau Mireasa lui Hristos, este un pic rătăcită. Ea este adesea manipulată și rănită. Dar să revenim la Treime.

Aceasta, adică Treimea- ne-a ținut pe mine și pe tine în viață până acum, iar dacă viața ta nu este așa cum ai anticipat, acordă atenție temerilor tale, pentru că ele sunt dușmanii viselor tale. Temerile tale, temerile mele, cel mai probabil ne țin departe de potențialul și destinul nostru și ne țin în spate dacă le permitem. Una dintre temerile mele este să scriu bloguri, să-mi expun eșecurile și slăbiciunile. De cele mai multe ori, mă simt ca un laș pentru că este ușor să stai jos și să scrii un blog, dar este mai dificil să fii în public și să mergi sa ajuți pe alții. Înainte de a posta un blog, mă întreb: Ce pot adăuga pentru a te ajuta? Deci, nu Isus mă împiedică să ies în față; ci frica. Dar care ar fi cel mai rău lucru care s-ar putea întâmpla dacă m-aș expune? Eșuare? Toți eșuăm? E temporar. Ne putem ridica înapoi. Mă ridic, bucuroasă că un alt drum greșit spre destinul meu a fost eliminat. Tu poți face la fel. A nu repeta o încercare eșuată este un succes, deci trebuie să mergem într-o direcție nouă și să încercăm din nou. Aceasta este perseverența. A nu te ridica niciodată și a plânge, acceptând pământul pe care te afli ca limita ta, acesta este abandonul. A fi un eșec înseamnă a renunța, dar pentru că tu și eu suntem în picioare și ne desfășurăm ziua, asta îmi spune că nu renunțăm, ci mai degrabă luptăm împreună. Uneori, progresul e încet, dar asta nu înseamnă că renunțăm. Continuăm să mergem înainte și să privim mai des spre cer, pentru că am memorat destul de mult pământul. Uitându-ne în sus ne oferă o perspectivă diferită.

Așadar, în concluzie, cel mai esențial lucru pentru sănătatea noastră generală este o relație bună cu Treimea, în orice formă ne conectăm cu ea.

Psalmul 33:34; 46:1-3; 23:4; Isaia 41:10; Proverbe 29:25; Matei 10:28; 1 Ioan 4:18.

Dumnezeu să te binecuvânteze 🙂

B.O.C. Breaking Free- “The Rushed Testimony”

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

I’ve missed you guys! I’m doing something new, giving you the platform! I’ll start with the series “The Bride of Christ Breaking Free” and the raw truth of our battles in this world, no sugar coating necessary:) It’s tough out there, Christian or not.

Part 1– “The Rushed Testimony” by Anonymous, age range, 20-30’s.

“As a culture, I’ve noticed that we obsess over testimony a little too much, meaning that when something terrible happens to us, whether it is self-inflicted or devil-inflicted, we’re so quick to justify the means and try to get healing and absolution, so that we can have a testimony to share with people. We rush to get there, but we don’t fully heal. We don’t fully understand what happened; we just go and tell the masses what happened. And it’s like–hurry up and heal so we can preach about it! Somewhere down the line, this has morphed into a form of self-righteousness. Not all believers do this, but enough to damage the perception of Christ’s nature to believers and non-believers. 

We preach and share testimonies: seasons of struggle and trauma for glory, but the glory isn’t focused on Christ; it’s focused on us. Look what I went through; woe is me, but look how strong I am. But praise God, thank the Lord for His mercy. 

This isn’t to say we deserve credit for our effort in perseverance, for Christ does want us to be proud of ourselves when transformative work is accomplished, but He must stay at the center. 

The majority of the time, due to our ego and negligence to face insecurity and offense, we put ourselves in traumatic situations that the devil doesn’t even need to partake in. We do all the work already, then we shake our fists at the sky, angry that God doesn’t deliver us, yet we’re the ones holding the gun to our heads. Then, a half-conceptualized and pieced-together testimony is thrown around, and we subconsciously expect praise for our sufferings to be validated and valued by other people. Because of this subtly dangerous mentality, we, as a modern church community, have weaponized trauma and sought out self-righteous suffering hidden under the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. 

Years ago, I felt as if my rehab journey was rushed so that my struggle with addiction could be a testimony to anyone who was bothered to listen. It was all about: “You’ll help so many people with your testimony once you’ve completed the therapy,” and this and that. I remember my family would tell other people about what I was going through, and this changed the way those people saw me. I was perceived differently. Silently judged. Feared. Maybe questionable. How does a believer of Christ become a…drug addict? 

I went to rehab for an addiction that I chose to cope with, for cruel things that were said and done to me that I didn’t deserve. But yet, the conversation only shifted to my testimony’s potential success–from the church’s perspective. A testimony that didn’t exist at that moment but was expected and demanded. To be honest with you? That testimony shouldn’t exist at all. There are battles we can avoid–stories and lessons that don’t need to be created. We’ve twisted brokenness into bragging rights and testimonies into torture.”

Context: Young Bride of Christ struggling with life, multiple suicide attempts as a result of a toxic mother, an enabling father, and unfulfilled, empty church teachings. Blame was put upon this young Bride of Christ to be demon-possessed. Further, blame was spit in hate over the years regarding just about everything. As a result, this Bride of Christ walked away from Christ and lingered in the valley of shadows for some years until it found its way back to Christ. The return is strong, the healing is confirmed, the joy is present, and the reunion is celebrated. However, the old ways of church culture are not what did this.

My input: (even if not needed). Please think how many times you cursed and cussed the enemy that caused you harm, out loud or otherwise. It hasn’t been all “Praise the Lord,” kumbaya; I got this. I’m sure there have been a few #$%&% and *^^%# words and attitudes embedded in that testimony because we’re imperfect humans. Letting go must start somewhere, and realizing you’re not alone in the muck and the downright filthy pits of darkness is where we begin. God starts a relationship with you between your snotty and salty teary meltdowns. Yes, we all mess up; we’re all imperfect versions of humanity, so stop photoshopping your testimony for the sake of a higher rate of approval. I’m sure homeless people can teach us more than most preachers who’ve never had to eat out of a garbage can. Most of us have never truly felt discarded, mocked, ignored, trashed, and invisible. As the Bride of Christ, we should be real with each other, even if we don’t like it. Truth is better.

God Bless:)

Romanian

M-ia fost dor de voi! Încep ceva nou, vă dau vouă platforma! Încep cu seria ‘Mireasa lui Hristos eliberată‘ și adevărul crud al luptelor noastre în această lume, din perspectiva voastră:) E grea viața, fie că ești creștin sau nu.

Partea 1 – ‘Mărturia grăbită‘ de Anonim, vârsta 20-30 de ani.”

“Ca și cultură, am observat că ne obsedăm prea mult cu mărturiile, adică atunci când ni se întâmplă ceva teribil, fie că este auto-infligat sau provocat de diavol, suntem atât de grăbiți să justificăm mijloacele și să căutăm vindecare și absolvire, astfel încât să avem o mărturie de împărtășit cu oamenii. Ne grăbim să ajungem acolo, dar nu ne vindecăm complet. Nu înțelegem pe deplin ce s-a întâmplat și pur și simplu mergem să spunem maselor ce s-a întâmplat. Și este ca și cum—grabă să ne vindecăm ca să putem predica despre asta! Undeva pe parcurs, acest lucru s-a transformat într-o formă de dreptate proprie. Nu toți credincioșii fac asta, dar suficient de mulți pentru a afecta percepția naturii lui Cristos atât în rândul credincioșilor, cât și al necredincioșilor.

Predicăm și împărtășim mărturii: sezoane de luptă și traumă pentru slavă, dar slava nu este concentrată pe Cristos, este concentrată pe noi. Uitați prin ce am trecut, vai de mine, uitați cât de puternic sunt eu. Dar slavă lui Dumnezeu, mulțumire Domnului pentru mila Lui, e mail rară.

Aceasta nu înseamnă că nu merităm credit pentru efortul nostru în perseverență, pentru că Cristos vrea să fim mândri de noi înșine atunci când se realizează o lucrare transformatoare, dar El trebuie să rămână în centrul atenției.

De cele mai multe ori, din cauza ego-ului nostru, a neglijenței de a ne confrunta cu nesiguranța proprie și a ne ofensa, ne plasăm singuri în situații traumatizante în care diavolul nici măcar nu trebuie să participe. Facem deja toată munca, apoi ne aruncăm pumnii spre cer, furioși că Dumnezeu nu ne eliberează, totuși noi suntem cei care ținem pistolul la cap. Apoi, o mărturie în jumătate conceptualizată și asamblată este aruncată în jurul nostru și ne așteptăm subconștient ca suferințele noastre să fie validate și valorificate de către alte persoane. Din cauza acestei mentalități subtil periculoase, noi, ca comunitate a Bisericii moderne, am folosit traumele ca armă și căutăm suferința dreptății proprii ascunsă sub numele Tatălui, al Fiului și al Sfântului Spirit.

Cu ani în urmă, am simțit că drumul meu de reabilitare a fost grăbit astfel încât lupta mea cu dependența să poată fi o mărturie pentru cei care au avut răbdare să asculte. Totul era despre: „Veți ajuta atât de multe persoane cu mărturia ta după ce vei termina terapia”. Îmi amintesc că familia mea spunea altor persoane prin ce treceam și asta a schimbat modul în care acele persoane mă percepeau. Eram văzut diferit. Judecat în tăcere. Frică. Poate contestat. Cum poate un credincios în Cristos să devină… dependent de droguri?

Am mers la dezintoxicare pentru o dependență pe care am ales-o ca mecanism de adaptare, pentru lucruri crude care mi-au fost spuse și făcute și pe care nu le-am meritat. Dar totuși, conversația s-a schimbat doar spre potențialul de succes al mărturiei mele—din perspectiva Bisericii. O mărturie care nu ar trebui să existe în acest moment, dar era așteptată, cerută. Să vă spun sincer? Acea mărturie nu ar trebui să existe deloc.

Există bătălii pe care le putem evita—povești și lecții care nu trebuie create. Am transformat ruina în drepturi de laudă și mărturii în tortură.”

Context: Tânăra Mireasă a lui Hristos luptând cu viața, cu mai multe încercări de sinucidere ca rezultat al unei mame toxice, a unui tată permisiv și a învățăturilor goale și nesatisfăcătoare ale bisericii. S-a pus vina pe această tânără Mireasă a lui Hristos că ar fi posedată de demoni. Mai mult, vina a fost scuipată în ură de-a lungul anilor în legătură cu aproape orice. Ca rezultat, această Mireasă a lui Hristos s-a îndepărtat de Hristos și a rătăcit în valea umbrelor timp de câțiva ani până când a găsit din nou drumul către Hristos. Întoarcerea este puternică, vindecarea este confirmată, bucuria este prezentă și reuniunea este sărbătorită. Cu toate acestea, vechile moduri ale culturii bisericești nu au fost cele care au făcut acest lucru.

Contribuția mea (chiar dacă nu este necesară). Gândește-te de câte ori l-ai blestemat pe dușmanul care ți-a cauzat suferință, fie în gând, fie cu voce tare. Nu a fost totul “Slavă Domnului.” Sunt sigură că au fost câteva cuvinte și atitudini obscene încorporate în acea mărturie pentru că suntem oameni imperfecți. Să renunți la egou trebuie să înceapă de undeva, și realizarea că nu ești singur în mocirla și întunericul murdar este locul unde începem. Dumnezeu începe o relație cu tine în timpul prăbușirilor tale lacrimogene și sărate. Da, greșim cu toții; suntem versiuni imperfecte ale umanității, deci nu mai retuși mărturia ta pentru a obține o mai mare aprobare. Sunt sigur că oamenii străzii ne pot învăța mai mult decât cei mai mari predicatori care nu au trebuit niciodată să mănânce dintr-un coș de gunoi. Majoritatea dintre noi nu am simțit cu adevărat că suntem aruncați la o parte, batjocoriți, ignorați, și invizibili, cum se simt vagabonzii străzilor. Ca Mireasa lui Hristos, ar trebui să fim sinceri unii cu alții, chiar dacă nu ne place. Adevărul este mai bun.

Your Story

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Photo by MART PRODUCTION from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/colored-haired-adult-holding-a-carton-with-message-8078510/

I’m doing something different! This platform is yours. Let us know what you’ve been through lately. What helped. What didn’t? How was the road to recovery? Or are you still walking it out? Can’t wait to hear from you! E-mail anything you want to say to mcknightcarmen@yahoo.com or go to my contact page. Can’t wait to see what you have to tell us:)

God Bless:)

Encouragement for your deep pain

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Say this out loud to yourself

I am the worrier of God

The one He’s waited to wake up

I am the strength I’ve longed for all along

The power I’ve dreamed of many times before

I am the victory prayed for

I am the voice the opposition is afraid of

I am the one who can start to change

I am the child who just woke up.-Carmen McKnight

Happy International Women’s Day!

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Happy and wonderful day to all the wonderful, brave, strong, resilient, dear friends! I apologize for the friends I didn’t have a picture of to add to my slideshow, but you’re just as important and amazing, and I wish you a great day! These women went through hell and back and are still standing strong, and I’m so proud of you! Love you!

“Fericită și minunată zi tuturor prietenelor minunate, curajoase, puternice, rezistente și dragi! Îmi cer scuze pentru prietenele cărora nu am avut o poză să adaug la prezentarea mea, dar sunteți la fel de importante și uimitoare, și vă urez o zi minunată! Aceste femei au trecut prin iad și încă stau în picioare, și sunt atât de mândră de voi! Vă iubesc!”

Sharp rise in Lyme cases due to changes in how they are reported

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

https://www.lymedisease.org/sharp-rise-in-lyme-cases

“Sharp rise in Lyme cases due to changes in how they are reported

Reported Lyme disease cases in the U.S. rose nearly 70% in 2022. The CDC says it’s not because of a large increase in new infections but rather because of a change in reporting requirements.

According to the CDC, there were more than 62,000 reported cases in 2022. This was up from about 37,000 a year from 2017 through 2019.

Although the CDC estimates that about half a million people get Lyme disease in the US every year, “reported cases” are those that follow a strict case definition and specialized requirements.

In the past, in order for a Lyme case to be officially counted, local health departments needed to go through a complicated verification process for each case. In 2022, reporting requirements were eased in states the CDC considers “high incidence.” In those states, Lyme cases are now counted based solely on a positive Lyme test.”- article on Lymedisease.org site. I’ve added the link first thing.

Yep, not demon-possessed as I was blamed by some, not drama queen as I was addressed by others, simply fighting something along many others. Getting better, thank God!

God Bless:)