It’s not that we’re dead, it’s that we barely feel alive.

This post is dedicated to one amazing young lady, you know who you are:)

The pain within is masked by how well we look on the outside. If only the world knew how much suffering is enveloped within each cell, each joint, each muscle and each neurological signal hidden in the matrix of our bodies. If only our friends knew how much we hoped to be part of what once was, if only the world would understand how loud they really are and how much that seems to bother us, suddenly. At one point we were part of the busy, loud and aggressive world but now we hide in suffering beds, feeling every surface of our tissues and wondering “what’s going on?” We’re silent about our suffering because, at times, we feel like we’re losing our minds, something truly terrifying. We can no longer comprehend what we’re reading and when you want to talk to us, we stare with a smile on our face trying to grasp the words that no longer make sense in our mind. Our bones hurt,  our identity and value hurt alongside as well.

We used to be normal. God, what happened?

These are the inner cries of those suffering from any autoimmune issues, such as Lyme disease, Chronic Lyme with multiple co-infections, Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome, ME, Lupus, and many more. These are some of the unspoken words and emotions, fears and concerns lingering within.

But, on the other side of these emotions and fears (at one point in the past I felt them all and then some), stand those of us whom, with God’s help, are slowly coming out of such a dark road. We’re here to let you know that you’re not alone, not even close to it and THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS AWFUL TUNNEL. I’m starting to re-live my life, even better than before because I know now how valuable life truly is, how important people are but ultimately how important I also am. You are just as important:) I have boundaries, I keep toxicity at bay, I smile to the things I used to ignore and I ignore the things I should’ve deemed unimportant a long time ago.

Cheer on dear one, this too shall pass, and one day you’ll be back among your friends, most likely some new ones, and you’ll build new memories and you’ll laugh again full of life and most impotantly- full of health.

Thank you, God, for each day and God Bless:)

To the ride ahead and not behind I say “hello” with a smile on my face:)

Vacation

Four years ago, in the middle of suffering and when my life was spent mostly in bed for months at the time in unimaginable pain, I kept my focus on a particular image; a sunny day in the future enjoying myself as a healthy woman in the middle of nature- God’s creation.  This day came to past a few months back, however, a week ago we enjoyed our first vacation since 2014, four years ago when I fell ill. I can not express the intense joy I felt during multiple moments throughout this vacation and the thanksgiving my heart expressed to God for having the opportunity to re-live such moments, even if at some point the body began to protest intense fatigue. All I did, was to take time and rest, then resume our activities.

Why am I writing this to you? Because you’ve read and seen the side of me through pain and now I want to share the other side, the side of health, the walk of health, the walk towards health. While in pain, I visualized daily the very moments I finally got to live this past week! In the past, although the body was full of death threats, no one could steal my dream hidden deep within. Never give up and if you feel fatigued in your body or in the spirit, take a few moments to rest, then go on keeping your focus on your own image of hope. For me, that image of hope was in the middle of nature, the very nature where my suffering came from through the tick bite but I was determined not to let this pain keep me a prisoner of fear.

If you are in the midst of suffering right now, what would your focus of hope look like?  Joy, peace, love, safety, new friends, health? These are the most important and in the end, these are the fruits of God’s love for us, the acceptance of our own being (the creation of God) and the love of our neighbor. Forgiveness is the way which leads to them, forgiveness and perseverance. (I know some of you will contradict this last part, as I too contradicted this part in the past, especially forgiveness. I found excuses, telling myself that I was not the one who needed to forgive, I was the hurt one and not the abuser, but I was blinded by my own anger and hurt. I forgive so I can heal. I’m also wise and not allow broken people to determine my destiny.)

I wish you a beautiful summer day, a beautiful holiday for those of you who are or will go on vacation and the grace of God may continue to be upon us as always.

God Bless:)

ER Trip

I know, I know, I’m getting tired of these ER trips as well, but yesterday, March 25th, that’s where I ended up again after I was woken up at 4 am with severe pelvic pain.

An hour and a half later we were in the ER where the seizure medication I was given intravenously helped me regain my speech (slurped speak, among other symptoms- if interested the home page has the details) and visual focus.

I’m extremely grateful I’m alive and we keep on going with all the good, bad, and everything in between. Chet was amazing, yet again, through the whole ordeal, since I couldn’t talk really well and mostly out of it.  I pray that God will give him health and strength forever. My son Merrill, who was visiting us came along as well, and I hope he wasn’t too freaked out seeing his mother seizing like that. But he’s a strong young man and I’m so very grateful to God for my entire family. People are what matters in this world, not material things. People.

God Bless.