opinion

Do it anyway.

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

How many of us have helped someone who took advantage of your kind heart? I’m sure there are some invisible hands raised, mine including.

Do it anyway, especially those who are ambassadors of Jesus. Showing love, forgiveness, mercy, and patience is not the same as letting others walk all over you, because what you give freely can’t be taken. In the past, I had many discouraging moments and felt much fatigue after people took advantage of my good intentions, but God’s been teaching me to “do it anyway”. In the beginning, I didn’t understand the importance of such advise, and I’m sure I haven’t completely grasped its benefits even today, but I have learned a few things along the way.

  1. When “I did it anyway” by choosing freely (not guilted into, manipulated, or forced) to show love and mercy, since forgiveness was a lesson I would learn it later on in the midsts of the great sadness of 2014-2016 which was the worst part of illness time, what I was really doing was to train my heart, train it to be more flexible, bendable and malleable, positive properties of one’s soul which God can work with. A hard, rigid and bitter heart, shatters when help comes in a form of constructive criticism, conviction or new information.
  2. When “I did it anyway” I made friends and not enemies, memories and not grievances.
  3. When “I did it anyway”, I chose my action but didn’t have to worry if the outcome was not as I expected, that responsibility was not mine to shoulder.
  4. When “I did it anyway”, I taught better lessons to my children.
  5. When “I did it anyway” I became closer to God.
  6.  When “I did it anyway”, even when it was hard, I protected my family’s hearts from anger and bitterness, a poison more deadly than most of us realize.
  7. When “I did it anyway”, without realizing, I collected favors which were returned at the most opportune time,  favors such as your prayers while too weak to fight alone in my own battles, favors like encouraging words when I had no strength left to encourage myself, favors like reminding me the right way when I was too scared and confused to see that way myself, but mostly the favor of life:) So do it anyway and see what happens in the long run. Life will not be void of pain, but it the midst of pain you will not lack friends and love, something far more precious than we realize.  God Bless:)

The Resting Place of Your Soul

/ Carmen McKnight / 2 Comments
“You who want peace can find it only by complete forgiveness.” Helen Schucman, A Course in Miracles
Miracles   |   

“Peace cannot be achieved through violence; it can only be attained through understanding.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Inspirational Quotes   |   

“The freest people in the world are those who have senses of inner peace about themselves: They simply refuse to be swayed by the whims of others, and are quietly effective at running their own lives.” Wayne Dyer,

In front of me stood a memory of long ago- an orchard- and in the inner quietness of my still body and mind, I began to tear up. The trees were past the blooming season, and its fruits, far to early to eat, were a great promise of what was to come. The orchard belonged to a female classmate’s parents, back in Romania, and at the tender age of thirteen, I had no idea this image would come back to me years later to teach me a lesson, a good lesson.

“What does it mean, God?”

“What does it mean to you, Carmen?” So I thought some more, this time letting my heart speak to me.

“Resting point. But why am I crying from a memory so very beautiful?”

“Because of its significance.”

“Which is?”

The silence meant I had to figure that one out.

“Rest.”

“And do you have it?”

“Mostly, I do.”

“Today?”

“No, not today.”

There are some inner changes happening in my soul, good changes, but as most of you know change brings along a certain mix of emotions, none need to be frightening.

I’ve never denied my love for God, but I’ve denied church and religion, especially lately. After all, I met people in church willing to hurt me and my family, some in the name of God, most in the name of self-satisfaction and egotistical needs. I’m sure you have met some yourself. But I wonder how many times I too was placed in those categories by another? But this is a subject for another post, another day.

My need, a healthy one, to form relationships with people and attend a church comes from a want to heal. Isolation, even from a medical point of view and scientifical evidence is not healthy. I’ve had a fantastic support group when I was too weak to go anywhere but now that I can, I want to find a church and hopefully grow in a healthy way, not a religious way.

I’ve prayed and meditated, I’ve listened to a sermon done by Rick Warren called “the Battle of the Mind” and a podcast called “You Listen to you” by Rob Bell (considered by some religious folks a heathen). To me, Rob Bell is a very intelligent human being with some amazing answers or explanations to some of the questions I’ve carried in my heart for many years.

Two styles of thinking and speaking: the first one, although intelligently put, left a trace of guilt (not conviction) behind, the second one left a trace of hope and goodwill. First one spoke in the familiar language of the church the second one in a new and upcoming style. I got some answers to the inner struggle but not a complete picture and I’m fine with that. It’s my search, thus my effort.

But back to the orchard; to me signifies peace and rest, a season I had to be in these past four years in order to heal, but in this season I’ve learned more than any season of health and busyness taught me, and I do confirm: we can hear God better in the stillness of self, in the intimacy of time, space, and effort.

What is your resting place? I don’t like telling people what to do, I figure everyone already knows what they want to do and their actions prove it, but as a gentle advise I can tell you one thing that seems to be valuable; we all need a resting place and we all need to visit this place often.

I’ve been able to forgive (and mean it) my parents finally, after 40 years of struggle and pain and I’m at peace. I trust God more than ever now, for that, I’m at peace. I’m very thankful for my life, for that I’m at peace. Don’t confuse temporary irritations and frustrations that come and go from living this life, I go through them, I feel them fully, I react to them, but I forgive and move on because I want to be healthy.

I sincerely want you to be at peace in the midsts of your life, even if it’s not functioning as you dreamed of, hoped for or envisioned it would. May God’s peace be upon you and your family, within you and your family and all around you like a healing oitment.

God Bless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For you

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Not sure who needs to read these words, but here I go.

For the one that’s hurting, with tears of sorrow and discouragement running down your face and heart, from yet another blow life just hit you with:

Picture the outcome you want and in due time it will come to pass. The road will not be void of pain, struggles, and failures, but it will not be void of success, victory, and hope either. You must fight for the outcome you’re picturing and never doubt you’re not strong enough:)

God Bless:)

 

Protest

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Last weekend the annual women’s protest happened again and besides hatred towards the current president and the right to abort an unborn baby, I’m not quite sure what else are they protesting for, because the last time I checked we still lived in America where women have far more rights than most women combined in other parts of this world.

Personally, the vaginal hats and F*** signs are extremely insulting to me, but don’t worry that does not define me as a woman; my children do, my husband does and other things that have nothing to do with profanity and genital hats.

I’ll tell you a story- my story.

I was born with few health issues.

For one thing, my reproductive organs did not fall into place as they should’ve and my mother was told I would not be able to have children.

My Fontanella (the soft spot between the parietal bones and frontal bone) was bulged out- the doctor said I was going to be a retard or an idiot, in other words neurologically I was going to be slower than the norm. The Fontanella it looked and felt like jello and my mother hardly touched me for the first few months after birth for fear of hurting me further. So I lacked the bonding time, very important and necessary to a healthy development, but life was different back then and information was lacking.

I also had a severe vitamin D deficiency and I began having regular shots of vitamin D right away that lasted a whole year. These were among the issues that were visible right away and the doctor pressured my mother to have me aborted after I was born, worried that my quality of life would be a burden to the medical system and Marxist society in which I was born. I was a defect product and needed to be discarded so I would not become a useless eater. My mother vehemently refused.

“God’s will be done.” She tolled herself accepting the outcome, but if I wasn’t going to recover I was in danger of a “vaccine shot” that was nothing short of a euthanize method. I did recover.

At home, I grew up in pretty harsh poverty, mostly between the age of 5-19. We went many days in “involuntarily fasting” whether we liked it or not, but for that now some of us are rounder than we’d like to be:) God, yes God, took care of us. That is what I choose to believe, despite the skepticism of others.

We also went through physical and emotional trauma, abuse and at times torture methods until the day each and every one of us left home. Emotionally, if we give way the emotional abuse would continue to this very moment, but all of us have chosen peace, so we have departed from the source of the abuse.

So from many people’s modern standards of today, I should’ve been aborted. After all I had too many physical issues putting a burden on the family or society, I was born in extreme poverty (Eastern Europe poverty), and raised in a very abusive family environment. I fit most of the reasons given for an abortion, right?

Yet, I’m thankful for every day on this earth despite its hardships. I thank God every day for his love towards me shown mostly through other people, some of which are reading these words. We see the goodness in others. We see hate in others as well. So choose. I’ve chosen. I stand for life.

I do not judge anyone who had an abortion- I wasn’t in your shoes when you made the decision and it’s not my place to judge what I don’t know. But I do know the fetus is a living being and I’ve always fought for the underdog. Its just part of my character and I will continue to do so.

God Bless.

 

Exercise and Autoimmune Disease

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

I’ve expressed in my last post of my desire to write more. Don’t you know by now that most New Year Resolutions are simply a “to do” list for the first week of January:)))))

I have been writing more, in fact, two hours a day on my new fiction adventure novel called “Finding Home”, but enough about that.

New Year brings out the “health nut” portion of ourselves, usually for a couple of weeks for most and a bit longer for others (unless your “health nut” person is out all the time having fun running, in that case, this may only be one of those easy reads for you). The “health nut” usually tends to go right back into hibernation for the better part of the year. It may have a few breaks now and again.  It will come out in full and temporary feverish mood, usually before summer for that amazing bikini look, or before a wedding when you want to look better than the bride herself.

I began my yoga exercise again, after a nice break of six months. Breaks are necessary too, especially when one fights an autoimmune disease. In fact, I must be going through something this very moment because I’m misspelling every single word as if my brain would rather sleep instead of think.

The yoga program I followed for more than ten years now is a Canadian based program called “Namaste” Yoga Practice by Kate Potter. It used to be a television program, maybe still is, but its the only exercise routine I stuck with all these years. I’m not a believer in the spiritual side of the yoga practice, I simply like its smooth moves and relaxing way of moving the body. I tried all sorts of other programs before this one, programs more rigorous, and found them downright annoying.

Anyone fighting Chronic Lyme, Cancer, MS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia to name only a few of the autoimmune diseases, does not have the energy most days to take a shower, or go up and down their own home’s stairs, let alone exercise. In most of these cases, any and all energy present in the body, it is wisely distributed towards activities such as doctor appointments, dinners, laundry, lunches for the kids and maybe sex with your spouse. However, when these diseases are in remission the fun begins. I remember celebrating the walk to my own mailbox, which progressed to being in the car when my husband drove to do the grocery shopping, to taking five, ten then twenty-minutes long walks, to playing tennis and now to driving small distances. Oh, the joy of stabbing one’s toe and crying happy tears because you actually felt that pain, where once used to be a tingling numbing spot.

Well now I’m stronger and I can do the complete 20-minute yoga program. I love the stretching part (although if you decide to start yoga don’t overstretch: it’s like the medication, you take a big dose and a Herx reaction is sure to follow, so build up to it slowly:), I love the smooth movements and the calming music (neuro damage is very often present in people who fight Lyme disease and overstimulating the senses is often very unpleasant, to say the least).

For all out there who are fighting these nasty diseases and live in pain why too much, if you can, yoga is a pleasant possibility of exercise. Mostly, I wish you the best of health so you can choose for yourself what type of exercise you want to do- no matter how strenuous.

Have a blessed new year full of hope and laughter, both are great medicine for the soul.

God Bless:)

 

 

La Multi Ani!

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

In noul an sa aveti parte de bucurii si multa sanatate, ca restul se fac de la sine:) Linga Dumnezeu sa stam, asta nu inseamna ca stim totul, ca nu vom avea greautati si ca nu vom avea intrebari fara raspunsuri. Dar alegem sa crede-m in ciuda faptului ca nu intelegem multe in viata asta. Doresc ca trecutul sa va invete anumite lucruri dar sa nu va tina prizonieri, doresc sa va bucura-ti de present si sa ave-ti speranta viitorului.

Unii din voi ati trecut anul acesta prin multe schimbari, altii sint in doliu, si altii asteapta bucuria unui nou nascut. Eu numai ce am iesit dintr-o criza, a venit fara anunt, cum de obicei vine necazul si a plecat repede dar nu a lasat frica in urma sau deznadejde. Cum am terminat, m-am gindit la voi:)

Vreau sa-mi cer iertare de la toti care poate pe parcusul anilor mei pe pamint pina in prezent, datorita imaturitatii, sau reactionind dintr-o inima ranita v-am suparat cu ceva sau v-am jignit cu ceva. Imi stiu inima, si in mare parte a fost fara intentie.

In noul an voi continua sa intreb intrebari, sa citesc si sa caut adevarul, nu cum o prezinta religia ci cum o prezinta Dumnezeu. Voi avea interbari, poate tot mai putine raspunsuri dar stiu clar ca voi avea multe experiente vrednice de trait si memorii pretioase de acumulat. Vreau ca in anul nou sa citesc si sa scriu mai mult, si sa continui sa ma bucur de momentele mici de zi cu zi ale vietii care in realitate sint foarte importante.

Fie ca Bunul Dumnezeu sa fie cu voi, in mijlocul vietii de zi cu zi, cu toate esecurile si victoriile noastre care impacheteaza characterul important al fiecarui individ.

La Multi Ani!!!!

The Accusation

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

“You’re possessed by demons!” The critical eyes on the other side of this accusation always turned out to be trouble makers within the Christian circle with a very poor example of their own personal lives. Despite me being aware of that obvious fact, I blinked, taken a back by such a bold insult packaged as a statement. My heart got hit, yet again. Can it be true? The doubt sneaked in inevitably.

Why does this particular accusation bothers me- besides the obvious reason; who wants to be tolled they have demons?- and creates such unease within my soul? I’ve meditated on these words many times while asking God for his advise.

Conclusion: While growing up, my siblings and I were called “devil’s children” or “piu de drac” in the Romanian language, regularly. Our role- according to our accuser- was to torment him. That wasn’t very nice and I’ve tried to break away from such a stigma for years. I’ve succeeded only recently, right after God tolled me to look at the evidence- an evidence between how God treated me during the course of my life versus my accuser. The evidence speaks for itself and I no longer need to worry about a lie, passed around with such ease while leaving behind such damage.

Let me ask you this: What person full of the true spirit of God, would say something like this in your weakest of moments (first one was during my first pregnancy and the second was during these past four years while fighting a diagnosed disease). Only a hurt person would hurt another. Religion, hate, pain and misery would speak out such things while the true spirit of God brings you comfort in your weakness.

Some of you know what I’m talking about. You’ve hurt because of such accusations done in hate against you and excused by religious beliefs.

I do believe in being attacked, as we all are either by disease, disappointment, fear, anger, etc and if not resolved it turns chronic. But when “help” comes with a big dose of guilt, condemnation, accusation and down right hate, it no longer falls in the category of help. And when you’re already fighting a battle you don’t need sand in your eyes.

Thank God for healthy friends, like Chet, Elizabeth, Natalya, Gabi, Lynn, other American friends, my brothers and sisters, my Romanian friends and my family here in America,,, thank God for so many of you, full of love, that outnumbered the other ones. I hope you’re all doing well:)

God Bless:)

Power of prayers

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

“Does prayer really work?”

I’ve wondered that often in the past, and there was always a level of doubt lingering around my heart, especially right after a prayer seemingly was not answered.

Since 2014, I feel very differed about prayer. I was meant to die, but God had other plans. He touched my heart so many times before, but through the “valley of shadows” or “Satan’s disease” as I eloquently put it, I’ve seen his care, like never before. Sure, the battle is not over, not yet, but that does not mean I’m not at peace. Prayers do work. It’s as simple as that. I should’ve been dead by now, maybe you too, but we’re not and, personally I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful for my friend Lynn and the fact that she is fighting her battle, or my friend Gabi, or my mother-in-law, Janet, who fought hard and succeeded:) Or Miha, or tanti Nina, or Lena, or, or , or. I’m so glad I have them in my life and I see how strong they really are.

Last night, as I was praying for someone close to my heart, I was allowed to see fragments of the invisible world- the action behind the curtain- is one way of putting it. It was brief, powerful and left my hair standing up all over my body.

A baby elephant was raising his trunk up to the sky, crying (the dear one I was praying for). Circling above his head, like vultures, were a few shadow spirits. They really looked like shadows, circling over the baby elephant. I knew the person needed help. So I continued to pray. Within minutes, brief and powerful, I saw three angels, dropping from the sky with the spread of light- just like lightning- powerful, spears drawn (meaning judgement) and going straight for the shadows. A battle was about to take place. Than all went back to normal, but I felt my heart light and there was peace.

“Well Carmen, that could be a result of your religious brainwashing…” This is a doubt I would’ve (and I did) addressed myself, in order to explain away what just happened. Not today. I do not consider myself religious at all, in fact, I avoid religion when possible. But there are realities out there beyond our understanding and it does take faith to believe them or not. Oh, come on, we all have faith in something. How about when you sit in a chair? You have faith that it will hold you up, based on repeated past experiences, etc.

So, in my humble opinion, prayers work far better than we realize and can cause a very powerful ripple in our lives. I’ll keep praying, that’s for sure. I’ll also have lots of questions, I’ll have realizations of things I thought wrong about in the past, mistakes I’ve made that I need to change, but isn’t this part of living, and hopefully living well?

So keep on praying, because in the invisible realm, powerful being (angels) go to battle for us.

God Bless.