I’m back with another blog on the Series: Bride of Christ Breaking Free. For the next few months, I’ll cover “Identity Crisis”. Your voices, struggles, and victories are my fuel for now.

What is an Identity Crisis?

Google – An identity crisis is a period of confusion and doubt surrounding one’s sense of self. It often occurs during times of transition or when someone is forced to confront aspects of their life that conflict with the roles they have taken on.

Medical News Today.– An identity crisis is a phase many people go through when they question or reassess who they are. A search for identity is common during the teenage years, but people may also reassess their lives after a major life event, such as retirement.

Bible – 1 Peter 2:9: This verse establishes identity as being a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, and a peculiar people. It also states that people have been called out of darkness and placed into God’s light.

Romans 8:14- 17: This passage states that people are adopted children of God.

• Romans 8:29
• Matthew 5:48
• Romans 12:3
• Psalm 139:13-14
• Ephesians 2:10
• Romans 12:4-5
• Romans 12:6-8
• Ephesians 3:19
• Ephesians 4:13
• Joshua 1:8

Your Experience:

Anonymous, age 20-30, Eastern European heritage, born in America.

Part 2– Please read the last blog for Part 1 if you haven’t done so yet:)

When I shifted, even before I went back to Christ, even for the last couple of years, knowing who I am, because of the trauma that I’ve endured and the growth that I’ve had to basically be forced to do, and the praise for my resilience, leadership, and the influence that I’ve been asked on in the calling of leadership.
For me when I was younger, the thing that made me so desirable for many people, was my confidence. I know who I am, I’m confident of what I can do, and I also know that if I struggle, I can ask for help; I’m not afraid to learn or grow. There’s a little bit of bravery and courage to be in the new environment and be willing to change and adapt. Because I’ve seen my family not adapt, and I want to because I have to because it’s a survival mechanism.

And so, for me, what really changed my whole life was, I think, after my 3rd suicide attempt? 16 or 17? I don’t remember; I was young. I was sick all the time, I was miserable and overweight, and just one day, cause I hated myself for being fat and ugly, I remember I was watching a TV show, and I got up, and I was like: “I’m done. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m not doing this anymore.” And I began doing workouts in my room, you know, just “stop being miserable!” intentionally to myself, and I just got to the point where I hit rock bottom so hard that it was like, I’m done doing this. And from that day on, I was kind of like, okay, I’m not going to obsess over being a victim. I’m going to soldier on and put my head down and just keep suffering. I also took identity in the suffering: okay, I have been destined to suffer in God’s name to some extent because I’ve been told that by other Christians.
I also think it’s important to note that the media has a HUGE influence on identity in young people and older people. Movies, books, TV shows, music. I was so obsessed with fantasy books, science-fiction movies, and superhero movies. There have also been amazing shows that have taught and inspired me to practice stewardship, endurance, and suffering and to still choose honor and integrity when bad things happen to you. So, there are also good things about media; I’m not saying all shows are bad. And video games. I played a lot of video games growing up, and a lot of these games have stories to them; there’s been a lot of amazing influence that I’ve gotten from a young age from media that have encouraged and taught me to endure and to have integrity because we do cope with escapism as well. And that really helped me.
Also, work helped me. I started when I was 15; I was forced to work. In high school, I had two jobs, so when you’re busy, you’re also escaping from suffering, so I quickly accepted being the hard-working girl. I accepted bad things happening to me, kind of like: “It is what it is” cause you become desensitized to a level. It gave me a lot of quiet confidence and a lot of desire cause people could see that I could handle stress, so I was put into stressful situations, I was put into high-pressure roles and asked to do complicated things. Captain of the soccer team and director for theater for three and a half years, I produced live events all the time when I was in high school. On average, we would produce anywhere from 10-20 live events throughout the school year. I would also host live events when I was in high school, so I became known as the “jack of all trades,” if you will. That got me higher opportunities, better relationships with my teachers, job opportunities, references, and a good reputation. But I was still miserable. Horribly miserable. I was drinking, I was doing drugs still, and it wasn’t until I turned 21, shockingly enough, that I decided to be sober, at least for a while.
I knew that what I was doing was bad. Remember, we were also partying when we were growing up with other Slavic kids and adults, and we were all drinking all the time and things like that. So when I turned 21 and chose not to drink and chose to be sober, it was a shock to people because, in that culture, it’s normalized to be addicted in some way. Everyone’s heard the saying, “Nobody can out-drink a Russian”. I began drinking again when I turned 22, really heavily again, because of my alcoholic friends. They normalized it and I accepted it, because I wanted to be accepted by my friends and have good times with them still. It was bad. I was drinking a lot, and I had bad things happening at work, so stress on stress on stress. My job was a very stressful, fast-paced job, so I go to work, I’m stressed, I go home, I’m stressed, in school- college- I’m stressed, there were so many things happening to me that time that I didn’t have the time to be miserable most of the time, cause I was too busy having shit happen to me.
I was also around older people who I was able to learn maturity from, so when we tie back to sexual and gender identity, I was around those people who shared the same identity, but they didn’t make it who they were. Meaning, I’ve known tons of people who were gay, but it’s not a big deal. You wouldn’t have known that they were gay because they don’t make it obvious to the naked eye, and I really respected that from a young age. Like, okay, so I don’t have to wear my issues or my differences on my sleeve every minute of every day just to feel accepted because these people have accepted themselves or they’re okay with their lifestyle to a level that does not require external validation. And I want that.
That’s where I kind of was like when I got older, and now that I’ve returned to Christ and have my identity in Christ, it’s made suffering a lot easier, but I feel like I’ve crossed the threshold. Meaning I understand both sides of the battle, meaning “Christianity vs gay people” or “pray the gay away”. When you’ve been on both sides, there comes experience with it. And I see immaturity in a lot of people, as well as defensiveness in Christians and non-Christians alike. I’ve learned so much and met so many great people.
Traveling also helps; being in a major city helps because you talk to people and learn things, and you challenge things. And when you’re in an environment where you’re able to have discourse and disagree in a healthy way, it’s so healing because you’re able to unpack and dissect these things that you might fester and think about, for example, if I’m gay, I can’t go to heaven, I won’t be accepted by my Christian parents, and being in an environment where I’m able to unpack that with people and discuss the layers of this and the truth about it or the lack of truth, etc. You know what I mean? Not being babied and cuddled, but being able to speak and to discuss is incredibly important.
And now, there’s just a lot of people that don’t want to have this conversation which is why I’m always about having this conversation cause it’s so important for people and it so healing, cause you also need people to help you push you in the right direction when you’re putting your ego and identity in the wrong thing. Because a lot of the time, our ego is a huge part of our identity. Self-worth, the sense of self, the self equation, where is the self in the world? Cause when you’re taught as a child that your duty as a child is to serve your parents and to be a slave and to serve your husband and to serve the church and that’s all you’ve made for is service, you do not have autonomy. It was kind of hard to get along with my friends to the point of not being able to understand their freedom because, for me, it was the extreme opposite. We’re not allowed to say no, you don’t have an opinion, you are made to serve, you will do as I say when I say, you’ll have this restriction, this restriction, this restriction, not for discipline but for control.
There’s also that resentment of wanting autonomy, independence, and a sense of self and feminism and all of these things that stem from this level of familial trauma and abuse, and cultural trauma. It just snowballs. We’re all connected in that way because it’s all generational; it’s a lot of curses that we don’t know about, and all of these things. And you see, a lot of the time, insecure people love to be around other insecure people because it makes them feel better. When you see somebody who’s secure, quiet, and confident, people hate them, which is what I’m experiencing now. Authenticity, honesty, and confidence are perceived as a threat because everybody else hates themselves so much or is insecure in some way that they want to tear down the confident person because it’s better to make people go on their level than to level up. Leveling up, accepting, and growing is painful. It’s simply complicated. We do have the free will to choose, so don’t choose this, but it’s also, okay, yeah, it is that simple, but here’s the complicated way, here’s the trauma, and the ego, and the influence, and the control, etc. I can’t stand being around people who make their problems their identity. “Many of us have heard the offended response: “Oh, is it because I’m gay? Or is it because I’m this?” When I’m just asking you if you want apples or bananas! What are you talking about? Being gay has nothing to do with apples or bananas. Being around offended people is fatiguing; why are you always trying to find a fight as a victim?
When you are a victim in a conflict, it gives you validation to be in pain. And to regress, which I’ve learned the hard way. I sawed off conflict so much when I was younger and up until recently because being in conflict, being the victim, being in pain, self-inflicted or not, justifies my position, my pain, and my anger, and I’m allowed to be depressed and miserable because I’ve had something bad happen to me. And if I’m depressed and miserable without something bad happening to me, then I feel bad that I’m depressed and miserable, and I don’t want to change, so I’m going to find something to hurt me intentionally so that I can have something to talk about. Do you know what I mean? That’s what I’m experiencing with my friends now. I’ve seen this happen many, many, many times, and it breaks my heart. It really does. And there’s also the generational gap of not understanding young people. I know for a fact that I don’t understand my parent’s generation, and they don’t understand me to that level…there’s just this gap. And the refusal for them not to adapt and change, cause I’ve adapted and changed to know my parents’ generation and their culture, no problem. Also, going and visiting the country they were born in, seeing where they were born, living in their home, and being around that side of the family, you start to understand where they got the mentality from. For me, you have those conversations about masculinity, independence and hyper-individualism, and all that crap, and I understood transitioning to be a man was not the solution to solve my problems but accepting and being happy and understanding that I’m more of a masculine girl, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s been made that way, meaning that the masculine traits, quote on quote, make men not like masculine women or women not like masculine women because we have to be in our feminine energy all the time and we have to be a princess and have men do everything for us, which to a level is true, the masculine traits of being loud, being a leader, having influence, logic, applying logic, being community-focused, being popular, being a planner, an organizer, a go-getter, congregating around men, challenging men and women, you know what I mean? I opened doors for girls, opened doors for myself, respect, integrity, honor, please and thank-yous, got girls flowers, dressed modestly, and all these “masculine” things that originally stood in chivalrous, good behavior. And I think a lot of the time, integrity and honor are more of a man thing because of the warriors in history. We have to die in battle with honor!
Accepting that, personally, I’m more of a masculine girl, more of a leader. I have my own crown that has been anointed by the King, God, so I think from a spiritual perspective, once we understand that we are, in fact, born as royalty, as princes and princesses, kings and queens of Christ, in the Kingdom of Christ, there is a level of that authority and anointing of knowing I wear my crown because God gave it to me. And so I will sit in my authority that I’ve been anointed with because God gave it to me, and I will operate within my means of what that is. And instead of receiving that as a threat, as I did when I was younger, now I’m experiencing that really as a superpower and a blessing. Like, oh my gosh! Isn’t that so crazy that we’re really anointed to be queens and kings for the Creator of the universe? Isn’t that nuts?
But I’m learning that you can be both, being masculine and feminine, meaning I can still be a submitting woman or wife or be the healing woman but still be a leader. Because the way I was taught and raised, by mainly my father, I can go be in the kitchen, cook and clean, and be a cute little wife but I can also go outside and work on fixing the car engine, and go mow the lawn. Really, the Jack of all trades again, and knowing that I’m able to do those two things- being in my femininity and masculinity- and to lead men, and to lead women, and to lead children, you know, being in a leadership position that I’ve been for so long, having to be a leader to older people, younger people, men and women, you learn to adapt. So there’s a way you are able to walk into the room by having this experience: I know that I have periods, I’m biologically a girl, but I am masculine, and I do man-traits and I’m happy about it, but I need to be able to apply them appropriately to my life, without needing to spiral and hate myself for not being a man, because I have masculine traits that many men lack in this generation while still being a girl. That’s more of a power but I can’t weaponize it to be: “oh I’m better than you because I can go work on my car and be the leader and you can.” You know? Cause that’s where the ego will come in because I can understand my masculine traits more, so I can’t let the ego think that I’m better than others, cause that’s where deception comes in. That’s where you get the narcissist, and the self-righteous snobs, which is not what we’re suppose to do. But really is about integrity and honor, and that comes from priorities and values in your life.
From a young age also from TV shows, books and in church- church helped a lot- they were all about priorities. What are your values in your life? What are your priorities in your life? So we talked briefly with my counselors in therapy, the first time I was in therapy for a long time, and the second time I was in therapy briefly. So, from a young age, I have also known about what my values and what my priorities are, and these change significantly year-to-year, causing everything to change. But also from a young age of having to go through rehab when you have to make do lists and plans, I had to make suicide safety plan, I had to have a five people emergency list, I need to have checklist for when I’m spiraling, I need to do this, this and this, so you kind of organize your thoughts from a young age as well. I still have a suicide safety plan, I update it every year, who is my emergency contact, who is my therapist, my doctor, identifying the triggers, and all of these things that are very important for a person to know, and for the people around you to know for when something happens. And is just being organized in that way and really knowing: okay, let me sit down and figure out what’s going on with me. If I’m having “an identity crisis”, why do I feel like I’m having an identity crisis? And listing: I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel this, that, etc.
But the problem with most people my age, they will not do that! They will not meditate, they will not steward, they will not sit in the muck, and the gross, and the nasty, and they don’t want to cry, they don’t want to feel their feelings, they don’t journal, they don’t want to have conviction, they don’t want to feel the trauma because it’s so much. And I get it. It sucks. It’s the worst. And that’s why when we get older we get sick, and we regress and become drug addicts, all this stuff, and I know for a fact that’s why I got sick so much when I was growing up, up until last year, because I was holding in so much trauma that I refused to handle, and my body broke. Just shattered. I had nowhere to go. And so because I was forced to sit in this moment of suffering, that’s when I looked up to God and I was like: Oh my goodness gracious, what do I do? There was nowhere I could go except suffer. So I was literally in the pit, like David, just suffering for that period of time. And that changed my perspective. My priorities changed in health, and friends, and God, you know? Like I got a factory reset. I got a reboot, if you will. Because you really don’t know what you have until you loose it. You don’t know about your health until you loose it. And I was so scared of being in that position again, of being at that level of pain again, that I wanted to do anything and everything not to go through it again.
Let me learn my lesson and get my shit together. And it sucked, but that stewardship has really saved me and made me who I am right now and being able to understand the difference of trauma, unfair oppression, self-inflicted consequences. Instead of running from the mirror, turning towards the mirror and looking, accepting, undoing. And that radical acceptance which takes a long time and the five stages of grief that follows with that. There’s so much grief. There are so many levels of grief, that I’m in. It’s so messy. But its necessary. And I see all these people flip out, and I’m seeing my friends flip out about their own issues, and I’m like, I just need you to sit in your suffering. I need you to sit in this, I need you to be alone, I need you to cry it out, I need you to just get through it. And yet, the most common choice is to be distracted messing with other people, and avoiding facing that pain, and I’m like: Agh, I was there! I get it! I get it! I get it! But it does not work long term. It will catch up with you eventually.

God Bless:)