Author: Carmen McKnight

Lacrimi

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Lacrimi, ca margelele, cad pe obrazul nostru ca expresie a durerii sau a bucuriei explozive. Vin, si Doamne iti multumim ca vin si curata sufletul, usurandu-ne de durere, de dezamagire sau de suferinta. Pe de alta parte, valul imens al unei bucurii traite din plin produc margele indentice pe obrazurile noastre.

Azi dimineata am aflat ca sora mea Delia si fratele meu Iulian cu sotia lui Cornelia, insarcinata cu primul copil, o fetita, au gasit-o pe mama plangand si cantand, uitandu-se in sus spre cer, pregatita de plecare la Bunul Dumnezeu unde odihna atat in trup cat si in suflet ii asteapta pe toti. Langa ea, statea tata, sprijin neincetat in ultimele zile. Doarme acolo cu ea la spital, in patul lui langa ea si are grija de ea. Delia ii viziteaza zilnic, de obicei cu bratele pline de mancaruri bune si zimbete pe fata. Mama era umflata rau din cauza toxinelor si in testul de sange iua gasit paraziti de la carne cruda, trichineloza. Lacrimi, ca margele, curg pe fetelor celor raniti si indurera-ti fie ele vizibile sau nu.

I-am dat telefon si am vorbit cu ea jumate de ora, o conversatie extrem de placuta, plina de dragoste si imbarbatare, ea in patul ei de suferinta eu in al meu. Se pare ca infectiile mele urinare in ultimele doua luni isi au un punct genetic, sau poate nu. Timpul le va descoperi pe toate. Dar lacrimi, ca margelele, de bucurie sau prelins pe fata mea numai cand i-am auzit glasul. Ce mult mi-e dor de mama. Ce distanta infernala e intre noi, dar ce posibilitati frumoase tehnologia prezinta. Mama era in dializa, si se simtea mai bine, i-am auzit zimbetul de pe fata si am stat la taifas bucurandu-ne una de alta cateva momente pretioase si pline de iubire.

Doamne iti multumesc pentru o mama asa de minunata si puternica:)

Lacrimi, ca margelele, cad de bucuria unei mame asa de minunate si ma rog pentru insanatosirea ei completa:)

P.S. Mama nu a murit, in caz ca ceva-i confuz in randurile mele se mai sus, dar inca nu-i stabilita din punct de vedere medical, are zile bune si zile foarte rele, dar noi avem speranta in Bunul Dumenzeu si ii multumim pentru toate.

Stiri noi de mama

/ Carmen McKnight / 1 Comment

Dupa o noapte plina de dureri insuportabile, calmantele nu si-au facut efectul deloc, mama a primit morfina, nu a rezistat la MRI, si a facut CT, unde au descoperit o punga de puroi, abces, intr-un muschi langa coloana vertebrala. E pe calmante foarte puternice acuma, si combinatie de trei antibiotice, si miine vor decide daca-i ii prea riscant sa faca drenaj. Acuma mama se odihneste dupa ce a putut manca un pic si va multumim din inima de sustinerile in rugaciune. Ne rugam pentru o vindecare completa.

Rebeca nu va fi operata!!! Doctorul a spus ca nu-i periculos, asa ca vor reveni inapoi cand va avea 6 ani.

Doamne multumim mult de o asa mama puternica:)

Update

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God is good. Thank you for your support in prayers:)

Mom had a horrible night, full of severe pain, non-stop, and none of the sedatives worked. Today after some morphine, the pain became bearable and did a CT scan, right after she could’t lie down in the MRI more than a few minutes due to pain. The CT shows an abscess in a muscle close to her spine, which most likely is pushing against some nerves to produce such pain and none of the surgeons present there felt qualified to drain it. Neuro will tell us tomorrow if they could. She’s on a strong combination of three antibiotics now and strong sedatives, and mom was finally able to eat something and now she’s resting. Due to her kidney failure the toxins from all the medication is a concern, but we, the family, are so very glad to see her void of pain. No mother should have to endure such pain, no one in fact. She’s such a strong woman.

Thank you for your continued prayers and we’re glad they’ve found the infection and treatment is on.

After the doctor appointment today, my baby niece Rebeca will not have surgery:) The doctors don’t think it’s problematic other than the esthetics of it. So that’s good news as well:)

 

God Bless

Zambeste

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Desi incercarile vin multumim lui Dumnezeu pentru puterea de a zambi cand durerea ne inconjoara.

Mama e internata de Sambata, desi durerile puternice de sold au inceput cu cateva zile inainte si mama nu mai putea merge. Infectia de la caterer (pentru dializa -rinichii nu mai functioneaza), ia intrat in corp si se pare ca sa asezat la sold, e in dureri imense non-stop de cateva zile in ciuda medicamentelor calmante, dar doctorul tot schimba medicamentele incercand medicamente din ce in ce mai puternice. Nu stiti cat de mult apreciem rugaciunile tuturor, si-i multumim Bunului Dumnezeu ca ne-a binecuvantat cu o mama asa de puternica.

Miine, sora mea cea mica merge la doctor cu una din gemenele ei, Rebeca, si se pare ca va urma ca Rebeca, numai doi ani, sa aiba operatie la spate unde sa nascut cu un hemanghion si in loc sa se retraga a crescut.

Va multumim din inima pentru sustinerile in rugaciune si ne bucuram mult ca putem vedea dragostea lui Dumnezeu atat direct in viata nostra dar si prin voi:)

O zi binecuvantata va doresc la toti.

Smile

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Someone got into our ITunes account and purchased a few Tv episodes and a movie, same with our internet, used our data, my mom’s been admitted in the hospital a few days ago with severe pelvic pain, vomiting, shakes, fever, as a result of a catheter infection which spread inside her body now. She’s been in pain around the clock despite medication, and they’ve changed the pain medication a few times looking for something that will give her some comfort. She’s also on antibiotics. Tomorrow, my baby sister Oana’s one twin, Rebeca, has a doctor appointment and it looks like most likely she’ll end up having surgery on her back to remove a hemangioma (benign tumor) she was born with and didn’t shrink in the past two years as expected (she’s only two years old). Due to the stress, I’ve had a small regression and the babesia symptoms are lurking around but I have to smile, I really do…

We, the family, thank you for all your prayers and we thank God for success in the end. I’m so very thankful to have such a strong mother, and family.

Thank you God for being with us in the midsts of our challenges.

God Bless.

Introverts and Extroverts

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My orchard (my resting place) had a simple wood bench under one tree, and I sat there waiting for God today. He came and looked exactly like the religious images I’ve seen through the years have portrayed him: a young man with a long beard and hair dressed in a long gray rope. He reached out and took my hand. We both got up and before taking one step further he changed into an identical version of myself when I was ten years of age. I was suddenly ten years old as well. Hand in hand we skipped and laughed with the purest touches of laughter and the richest form of happiness.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Why do we need to go somewhere in order to be?” And he/she reminded me of something I once knew: as a child, you go nowhere but you are.  And that’s where happiness, contentment, love in its purest of forms, acceptance of everyone, embracing the new, trusting, eagerness to learn and explore, ability to change mind and will if necessary, lives.

Its as if somewhere is an extrovert rushing on the road to nowhere, passing by be millions of times, blind to the importance of stopping and having a relationship together. Soon the rushing shallows, emties, frustrates, closes somewhere’s mind, making it rigid. Every time somewhere passes an opportunity to be, loses a potential for growth until its very essence is dipleated of health and sickness of the mind, soul and spirit settle.

Be, on the other hand, has time to live, to think, to love and to express the importance of many things. Be slows time down and listens, but needs somewhere once it knows its purpuse. Be is an introvert.

Be and somewhere are better together than apart, and our western culture glorifies somewhere while marginalizing be. It’s a big imbalance which leads to all sorts of pain and loss. They’re equally important.

For those who read this and are a bit uncomfortable with the phrasing (may seem new-age to you), God wants you to be at ease and gives you evidence in the Bible for what I’ve written above.

Psalm 46:10; Exodus 14:14; Psalm 62:5; Proverbs 8:34; Luke 24:2; these are only a few of the many Bible verses that go along to what he showed me. I understand its a new point of approach but we both know God speaks in many ways to all of us. That’s the beauty of it all.

God Bless:)

The Resting Place of Your Soul

/ Carmen McKnight / 2 Comments
“You who want peace can find it only by complete forgiveness.” Helen Schucman, A Course in Miracles
Miracles   |   

“Peace cannot be achieved through violence; it can only be attained through understanding.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Inspirational Quotes   |   

“The freest people in the world are those who have senses of inner peace about themselves: They simply refuse to be swayed by the whims of others, and are quietly effective at running their own lives.” Wayne Dyer,

In front of me stood a memory of long ago- an orchard- and in the inner quietness of my still body and mind, I began to tear up. The trees were past the blooming season, and its fruits, far to early to eat, were a great promise of what was to come. The orchard belonged to a female classmate’s parents, back in Romania, and at the tender age of thirteen, I had no idea this image would come back to me years later to teach me a lesson, a good lesson.

“What does it mean, God?”

“What does it mean to you, Carmen?” So I thought some more, this time letting my heart speak to me.

“Resting point. But why am I crying from a memory so very beautiful?”

“Because of its significance.”

“Which is?”

The silence meant I had to figure that one out.

“Rest.”

“And do you have it?”

“Mostly, I do.”

“Today?”

“No, not today.”

There are some inner changes happening in my soul, good changes, but as most of you know change brings along a certain mix of emotions, none need to be frightening.

I’ve never denied my love for God, but I’ve denied church and religion, especially lately. After all, I met people in church willing to hurt me and my family, some in the name of God, most in the name of self-satisfaction and egotistical needs. I’m sure you have met some yourself. But I wonder how many times I too was placed in those categories by another? But this is a subject for another post, another day.

My need, a healthy one, to form relationships with people and attend a church comes from a want to heal. Isolation, even from a medical point of view and scientifical evidence is not healthy. I’ve had a fantastic support group when I was too weak to go anywhere but now that I can, I want to find a church and hopefully grow in a healthy way, not a religious way.

I’ve prayed and meditated, I’ve listened to a sermon done by Rick Warren called “the Battle of the Mind” and a podcast called “You Listen to you” by Rob Bell (considered by some religious folks a heathen). To me, Rob Bell is a very intelligent human being with some amazing answers or explanations to some of the questions I’ve carried in my heart for many years.

Two styles of thinking and speaking: the first one, although intelligently put, left a trace of guilt (not conviction) behind, the second one left a trace of hope and goodwill. First one spoke in the familiar language of the church the second one in a new and upcoming style. I got some answers to the inner struggle but not a complete picture and I’m fine with that. It’s my search, thus my effort.

But back to the orchard; to me signifies peace and rest, a season I had to be in these past four years in order to heal, but in this season I’ve learned more than any season of health and busyness taught me, and I do confirm: we can hear God better in the stillness of self, in the intimacy of time, space, and effort.

What is your resting place? I don’t like telling people what to do, I figure everyone already knows what they want to do and their actions prove it, but as a gentle advise I can tell you one thing that seems to be valuable; we all need a resting place and we all need to visit this place often.

I’ve been able to forgive (and mean it) my parents finally, after 40 years of struggle and pain and I’m at peace. I trust God more than ever now, for that, I’m at peace. I’m very thankful for my life, for that I’m at peace. Don’t confuse temporary irritations and frustrations that come and go from living this life, I go through them, I feel them fully, I react to them, but I forgive and move on because I want to be healthy.

I sincerely want you to be at peace in the midsts of your life, even if it’s not functioning as you dreamed of, hoped for or envisioned it would. May God’s peace be upon you and your family, within you and your family and all around you like a healing oitment.

God Bless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

La urgenta iara-si

/ Carmen McKnight / 5 Comments

Din pacate am ajuns la urgenta iara-si ieri, cu atac de apoplexie si dupa ce mi-au dat un tratament intravenous mi-a revenit pronuntarea corecta a vorbirii si ochii sau putut concentra iara-si. Durerile severe pelviane, ma-u trezit la 4 dimineata si de acolo am intrat in atac de apoplexie. Acuma sunt okay, slabita dar bine, multumesc Bunului Dumnezeu pentru asta.

Fratele meu, Sergiu a avut operatie, si m-as bucura de suport in rugaciune pentru el:)

Si o sora de-a mea are probleme cu microcitemie si toate rugaciunile vor fi bine primite.

Multumesc:)

Domnul cu noi toti.

ER Trip

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I know, I know, I’m getting tired of these ER trips as well, but yesterday, March 25th, that’s where I ended up again after I was woken up at 4 am with severe pelvic pain.

An hour and a half later we were in the ER where the seizure medication I was given intravenously helped me regain my speech (slurped speak, among other symptoms- if interested the home page has the details) and visual focus.

I’m extremely grateful I’m alive and we keep on going with all the good, bad, and everything in between. Chet was amazing, yet again, through the whole ordeal, since I couldn’t talk really well and mostly out of it.  I pray that God will give him health and strength forever. My son Merrill, who was visiting us came along as well, and I hope he wasn’t too freaked out seeing his mother seizing like that. But he’s a strong young man and I’m so very grateful to God for my entire family. People are what matters in this world, not material things. People.

God Bless.