balance

The road to finding health- Part 6

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Read parts 1-5 to context.

Part 6

Rebalance

The book I’ve been quoting from in this mini-series tells us how we became unbalanced: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson, PshyD. I will not focus on that aspect any longer. It’s too hard, too sad and I’ve walked long enough on that path. I want to focus on how we conquer the wrongs which happened to us at one point or another in the past. (Keep in mind that healing takes time, don’t allow others to pressure you in their way or idea of how your healing should happen or its timing. However, don’t use the past pain as an excuse to live in a victimization world of anger where you hurt others.)

That being said lets talk about rebalance. The video I shared above is awesome and I would encourage you to listen to it when you have a moment.

What is the one thing you’ve done wrong in the past that doesn’t help you to move on and live the happy life you dream or hope for?

Mine was guilt. Un unbalanced sense of guilt over every action I took in life- be that good or not. As a consequence I became my worst nightmare. My own prosecutor and judge, sentencing my every cell to labor camp. How about you?

How do I rebalance from that? I look at the root cause, but to get to the root cause I had to peel many layers. Have I fully found the root cause? Not sure, but I don’t seem to care about it any longer. My new focus and desire is to continue to enjoy life as I am at the moment. This means that along my road to finding the cause I found one important and vital element missing in my life- forgiveness. I lacked forgiveness towards my self and others. While dying a motherly presence as I can only account it as a hallucination due to being so close to death, a hallucination non-the-less beautiful I knew it was Godly, stayed by my bed side and taught me some things I desperately needed to learn. How much value I actually have in this universe of ours and how worthy of love I was. Not sure how it happened by forgiveness came as a result of it without any effort.

How will you go about believing that you too matter more than life itself? I’m not sure but read, read, read, pray, meditate and ask yourself one question: Are you truly 100% bad? It’s impossible for someone to be 100% bad. This is from a scientifically and factual point of view. Impossible! And a second question equally important: What if you have been wrong thinking that you were bad or not valuable all these years? What if? What if you are actually the opposite?

These two questions began my journey towards healing. It was hard to accept, let alone believe that I could be good and that I was worth forgiving, but I persisted. I kept asking myself when doubt came: What if I’m wrong? What if I’ve been blind all these years? Others see value in me, what if they were right?

It’s scary, right? Why not try? Why not believe? Why not balance the scale?

Is it selfish to take care of yourself? Coming up in Part 7.

Note: Other books you may be interested in reading: “the highly sensitive person’s guide to dealing with toxic people” by Shahida Arabi, MA

For those who need Bible versus as back up to what I wrote here today: Romans 12; Proverbs 4:23; Colossians 3:2; Romans 8:6; Philippines 4:8.

God Bless:)

Balance Prayer

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

This is a prayer for myself and anyone else who wants it:)

I thank you, God, for the ability to forgive and the gift of forgiveness. Until recently I couldn’t forgive no matter how I went about it, not sure why, but I presume it had to do with the hate taking all the space available in my heart leaving no room for anything else, including forgiveness or joy.

Thank you for breaking that hard calcified wax of hate towards others and myself and melting it away from my soal. Now I have room for forgiveness, love, and joy. Now I can forgive myself and others; sure it’s still an effort, sure it’s still my will and choice but I have the power to choose now versus being stuck within my sick soul with no way out except a continuous and exhaustingly constant squirming and no progress other than fatigue. I earnestly thank you now for giving me the parents I have, for bringing me to this part of the world, for my family, and for giving me the body I have. What tremendous spectacular things I’ve learned because of these privileges and what great privileges I have to help others.

Thank you for waking me up to my potential by revealing to me my fears, fears that captured me in a self-restraining smuggled dark suit all these years. By showing me these fears and their consequences, you opened up the eyes of my soul to the things I’ve missed and the opportunities not taken if choosing to remain in that snuggled dark suit called fear.

I will choose life, love, and joy. I will risk opening up and be vulnerable in order to gain these three qualities. I will re-learn and re-direct my focus, thoughts, and behaviors in order to experience the consequences of life, love, and joy. In my quest, I will fail sometimes but I will get up and continue because my focus has shifted. I finally see that I have the right to experience life, love, and joy, a right you gave me a long time ago but was taken away by other’s fears only to be recently recaptured.

It’s a re-learning process based on the truth that what others said or did in order to keep me down was based on their own insecurities and fears, not mine. Their walls, not mine. I thank you, Father God, for opening not only my eyes but my soul as well to accept this, for acceptance is the bridge between success and failure. In the past, I’ve accepted false versions of someone’s truths and it brought nothing but a vast desert in my soul, now I will accept your truth to choose life, love, and joy. After all, that’s the definition of balance. Not one without the other, not one over the other. Balance. Truth. This time your truth and let’s see what that brings along and where will it end.

Amen.