Seizure

 

 

I hope you get a chance to relax and enjoy this little video I shot and put together for you. Meditate on the things that matter to you, as I also do.

You see last week I had a nasty seizure which threw me back on my progress chart a few degrees, both physically and emotionally. It’s not easy to climb over thoughts such as “not again”, “will I ever”, “I just want to be” etc but giving up its not an option for me since I have too much to lose and would hurt too many people that I love. So I must go on. But getting back up, and moving forward while hurting, having half of my body not functioning as it should and wondering how long will it take until I fully recover is not as easy as you may think. I wish I could be poetic about all this but pain and struggle bring more misery than poetry (unless its some sort of emotional heartbreak and then you should see my muse dance and come up with all sorts of rimes and wisdom:) But for now I try not to fall on my face as I experience dizziness, I try not to walk into walls as my balance seems to be taking a vacation, and I try to smile through the pain all my limbs seemed to join in. I am weak and strong, frail and tough, happy and sad.

What caused such a relapse? Accumulation of stress (I like to collect:) Nasty flue which left a frail immune system exposed, taking up nursing duties as my family laid ill in their beds, work, and the happy visit of my cuz. But the body can’t recognize happy stress from bad stress, just files all that info in the “STRESS” file of my life while smiling knowing what’s to come. But I drove downtown! Took my cuz and my daughter to the Seattle Space Needle and other places and I’m sure inside my head there was a small voice protesting to all the exitement…which I clearly ignored. Did I learn my lesson? Depends on which side of the lesson you are. I would say, yes, then explain. I’ve learned that I have the strength to drive downtown (even if for a day every few months:) I’ve learned that my body is getting strong and able to handle more fun, I learned that relapses do happen and not to focus on them, I learned I’m fun again! Even if in a small increment at the time:) Did I learn my lesson? You be the judge, but I no matter what you decide I smile the whole way because I DROVE DOWNTOWN SEATTLE AND HAD FUN WITH MY CUZ AND DAUGHTER ON TOP OF THE SPACE NEEDLE, and that to me is priceless and worth every muscle twitch and pain;) I would do it all over again the same way, no regrets. Now go have a good time living life in whichever increments of strength you can muster, and when herxing (for my Lyme warriors or all with any autoimmune troubles:) smile because you got to the herxing reaction by living life and in the end you had a say, a choice, not the stupid illness that’s trying to kill us:)

God Bless:)

My gratitude towards you explained.

I asked myself today: why the urge, lately, to write about people that made a positive impact in my life?

It’s not a sudden urge. I’ve had these emotions accompanied by fond memories deep within myself for a very long time but I never acted on them. It seems the deeper I care about a person the harder it is for me to express it. Is it a flaw? A weakness? An oddity? Or am I simply a normal human being. Upon reflection, I’ve gathered that is far easier for us humans to express anger, displeasure, and critic of others to their face (even easier behind their backs) than give them an honest compliment. And if any measure of a compliment holds an element of insincerity it shatters something within us, it shatters our trust, and without trust, a real friendship can’t exist.

Only when I became ill, and I myself received encouragements did I realize how valuable spoken support really is to a human mind, soul and spirit and I thought to myself: I may die soon and they’ll never know how much they mean to me! Unless I tell them.

So what was once buried deep within my heart is slowly but surely making its way to the surface. This may be a cheese way to express such gratitude and at times love, but what can I say? Progress and change enter the world one step at the time. The important aspect is that arrives sooner rather than later, right? So, don’t lose heart if your name hasn’t popped up on my blog just yet, it’s coming:)

God Bless:)

Dani Macovei

My cuz, Dani, honored us with a nice visit last week. Coming all the way from Romania is not an easy task but he’s young and traveling is something he clearly loves to do. So this year I was twice blessed with family members coming over for a visit:) As I’m writing this blog Dani’s flying back to Romania and we miss him already:)

I first met him back in 1993, before leaving Romania, when he was only 8 months old. Second time while traveling in Europe with Meleah, my daughter, in 2009, and now was our third time:) We sure had a great time:)

Enjoy the small slideshow I’ve put together for you and if you’re far away from your family as well, focus on the good memories you have gathered in your heart over the course of your lifetime and look forward to future encounters.

I wish you a blessed day:)

Good morning:)

 

I shot and put this little video together yesterday for everyone to enjoy. Take a few deep breaths, for life, lives in the depth of a good, long and deep inhale/exhale. Meditate on life and don’t fear death who’s always hovering nearby, waiting.

When we take the time to notice life all around us, it’s impossible not to smile. Some of you may disagree with such a statement usually because you may have a tendency to focus on the shadows and not the sparks of life, shadows manifested in fear of what may happen, or what others will do or say, etc. I’m intimately familiar with such shadows, I too experienced them far too frequently in the past, but recently they have diminished in intensity quite a bit. The sparks of life are found in the morning sunshine or a drop of rain, the love shared in a hug, the knowledge that we’re not alone (even if we all need moments of solitude), the fact that God is personal (some of you disagree with this one and that’s fine, no worries), etc.

Such life sparks I had recently experienced in a parent moment (those with teenagers or those of you who had teenagers will know what I’m talking about) a few weeks back, the type of moment when at 2 am you stand by the door, arms crossed, waiting for your child to step through while going in your mind through all the disciplinary methods applicable for the situation in hand. Then a broad smile (which quickly I had to make it vanish as soon as the child made its presence) washed over my face as I thought:

“Carmen, like many parents before you and long after you’re gone you’re in the midsts of a fantastic moment, a moment that one day will become a memory, make it a good one. Because you’re still alive you get to care, love and discipline (teach) your child even in these types of moments. Walking through that door in a few seconds will be the human being you’ll leave behind once you’re gone who’ll make a good impact in this world. This temporary and momentary failure on his/her behalf does not determine the man/woman this child of mine will become. I get to experience fatigue and frustration because I care because I love because I’m a mother and I will never regret that.”

Taking a deep breath in with the smile still plastered all over my face and in my heart, I lived the moment at its full potential. I didn’t use to feel the same way before I nearly died. I took such moments and made them about me. But I wonder how many times God, in His love, had his arm folded, waiting by the door for us, loving us more because we were a product of BOTH failures and successes, neither diminishing our value and potential. We were loved because we were His/Hers. (God to me has a very feminine presence, unlike the traditional Christian teachings).

When my child walked in I showed that I cared, not that I was disappointed in who they were, I reinforced the house rules and tolled the child why (school the next morning, dangerous souls lurking in the night, soals that already made their own choices to hurt others, but ultimately the discipline came because we (Chet and I) loved the child). The child apologized because it saw love and the rest of the night I slept well knowing my child was safe in bed but mostly the child knew he/she was loved. And ultimately that’s what matters most of all in this world- the sparks of life-love.

God Bless you today:)

It’s been a while since we talked

D516A709-B2B0-4A0F-8052-D12A5AB364E9What a great summer this one was for us:) The apartment construction work is almost done. I had the most wonderful and unexpected visit for Easter from two of my brothers: Sergiu came from Germany and Flesh came from Romania. IMG_0666They took me completely by surprise:) We had a great time showing them Seattle, among other things and after they left and the weather warmed up, Chet and I spent many hours cycling on bike trails with my in-laws:) IMG_8327I also took lots of macro photos, a hobby of mine, and you can see one such photos at the very top (honey bee on a clover:)

I’m getting stronger every day. I have changed my Lyme tincture treatment to a new product and so far I think it helped me the most (or I’ve had lots of help from previous treatments and this one sort of sealed it). It’s a new product I found on Amazon called Holistic Tincture 7, made in Germany. It’s a 13 Herb tincture (Japanese Knotwood herbage, Teasel root, Cats Claw flower, Coriander herbage, Garlic, Hawthorn leave, Sarsaparilla root, Devil’s Claw root, Boneset leave, Astragalus root, Olive Leaves, Panax Ginseng root, Ginkgo leave) specifically design for those suffering from Lyme. Currently unavailable on Amazon as of today, but you can go directly on their website at http://www.biotraxx.eu to order. Heads up their info is in german (Amazon has an English version), and you need to take 20 drops three times a day for 6 months. One bottle lasts about 2.5 weeks. IMG_0265.jpeg

It really helped me so I hope it does the same for you:) (The cost is around $28 per bottle plus shipping $7).

This year we’ve celebrated our 26th Wedding anniversary:)B26CB92F-1A70-4DC3-9F93-62BD8A5CC31E

I’m grateful and I’m looking forward to the wonderful things to come in this life:) So keep on fighting for those ones not yet on the other side because there’s hope:)

Here are a few more pictures I like sharing with you:)

Have a blessed day and talk to you soon:)

There is no discrimination, in suffering

At one point in our lives, we’ll experience pain in some form. When the pain is so unbearable that the only prayer coming out of our lips is “Help me, God!” don’t stress over the fact that it’s not lengthy or theologically rich. In those moments the very help we receive is God himself in the person of the Holy Spirit. This presence can be through a particular person, thought of hope or strength, a book someone was inspired to write just so you can find courage through reading it, etc.  Here’s one of my own experience during one of such unbearable painful moments in the past.

Quote from my future novel.

“Laying in bed was the new activity I reluctantly had to accept, chained down by the mystery of unbearable pain. This pain brought along a certain amount of fear at times. But then there was a level of pain I’ve achieved where nothing but silence reigned, no questions, no reasoning, no fear, only silence. It’s in this horizontal position with a face washed by tears that I saw my bed expend quickly suddenly holding millions upon millions of broken diseased infested (physically or emotionally) humans. Their faces also washed in tears, millions upon millions of tears. People of all ages, from every nation, both genders and from all sorts of belief backgrounds. Holy Ghost in the shape of motherly presents sat, tears in her eyes, next to me ever so gently wiping my brow. I found temporary relief every time she did that and I was very grateful. I was not mad, angry, demanding answers or asking questions, because I saw how much God cared for me and her presence by my side day and night was constant. I don’t feel alone. She didn’t have to say one word for I understood every emotion or thought she exchanged with me. In her eyes, I saw how she mourned every single one of us, not just me, and on the bed of suffering, there wasn’t discrimination. It was equally devastating for her to see our suffering. Her heart was wounded and her face was burdened by our collective suffering, an emotion she felt far deeper than we’ll ever understand. Silent, loyal and everpresent by the side of suffering and pain she sat and wiped our sorrows softly.

I had no strength to finish a fragmented prayer I began, but she did it for me by looking deeply into my soul through my eyes and uttering the most intense pleading prayer without as much as parting her lips. But I could hear it. I didn’t understand the strange language full of color and sounds no human being will ever understand or utter. But I knew this was Trinity’s language and I only heard it from the outside, but there was an inner depth I could not hear or see but somehow know it was there. The language was meant for them that much I understand, on behalf of us, their children, whom at one point or another chose to divide among themselves driven by fear and hate. Our choice. Not theirs. A set of chains called “human will” were wrapped around her hands. Every hateful act against one another added more tears and pain to the bed of suffering which began to groan with a fresh wave of pain affecting all of us and her. I looked into her eyes but she didn’t hate us for hurting her. She loved us. Because we were her children.”

I felt the need to add this fragment now before the book is being done (maybe in a couple of years), because some of us may need to read this today.

God Bless:)

Living Proof-MS Hope

http://www.mshope.com/

https://www.seelivingproof.com/

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6604174/

I’ve watched this documentary a couple of days ago while in sickation (sick vacation) on MS, knowing people who struggle with this disease, and I strongly recommended to all MS patients out in the world.

About a month ago, unbeknownst to me I began eating a vegan product (fake bacon) and loving it. I would make sandwiches with it and top it with pepperoncini, lettuce, cucumbers, and vegan cheese and smile all the way to the last bite. Then I began feeling some of the old symptoms creeping up, symptoms such as severe fatigue, foggy memory, walking into things, nausea, fever, dropping things all the time, to name a few. Relapse or Lyme-flare was my diagnosis and began treatment right away. It would work until it wouldn’t. I upped the dose and went around the same circle. I would get better only to get worse. What in the world was happening? My joints hurt so bad, especially my hips, I was having a very hard time walking. Meanwhile, I was happily eating my vegan bacon sandwiches. About one week ago, as I was getting ready to make yet another sandwich Chet read the ingredients, for his own reasons, and exclaimed.

“Carmen, did you know this bacon has gluten? Sugar, water and gluten in concentrated form?” My brain was too foggy to process the info I was just receiving and it took me a good while before the truth absorbed between the smoky creases of my brain and into the information center where it could be processed before a response was delivered.

“What?”

“You’ve been on a gluten feast for a month!” He exclaimed in response as we both began laughing. Such privilege yet no recognition.

Well, my vegan sandwich days came to an abrupt halt. It will take a good while until this intake of gluten will be out of my system, meanwhile, I learned a few more lessons.

  1. I’ll stick to real bacon and leave the vegan diet for Chet (who’s been a vegan for the past two years now).
  2. This gluten intolerance issue is not in my head, it’s not a mental/emotional issue I came up with and just need to snap out of it, it’s real and there’s a reason why. This second point goes along with some of the information in the Living Proof MS hope documentary done by Matt Embry who was diagnosed with MS about twenty years back and fights it different ways but mostly through diet, exercise and supplements like Vit. D. Diet is the evil of most diseases and the medicine for all cures.
  3. Read and inform yourself well, without assuming, like I did, that a vegan product automatically means a gluten-free product.
  4. I balanced back quite fast once I stopped the gluten, which tells me my body and mind are serious about getting better:)))) But, I got the flue, along with every single member of my family except Alex. They’ve been in bed for a whole week before showing any signs of life. Today is Chet’s first day back to work after an entire week spent on a horizontal sickation.
  5. Grateful. There’s always a solution for every problem, just read the fine print:)
  6. P.S The words look a little funny to me so any grammatical or expressive mistakes are due to my gluten feast. God Bless:)