It’s not that we’re dead, it’s that we barely feel alive.

This post is dedicated to one amazing young lady, you know who you are:)

The pain within is masked by how well we look on the outside. If only the world knew how much suffering is enveloped within each cell, each joint, each muscle and each neurological signal hidden in the matrix of our bodies. If only our friends knew how much we hoped to be part of what once was, if only the world would understand how loud they really are and how much that seems to bother us, suddenly. At one point we were part of the busy, loud and aggressive world but now we hide in suffering beds, feeling every surface of our tissues and wondering “what’s going on?” We’re silent about our suffering because, at times, we feel like we’re losing our minds, something truly terrifying. We can no longer comprehend what we’re reading and when you want to talk to us, we stare with a smile on our face trying to grasp the words that no longer make sense in our mind. Our bones hurt,  our identity and value hurt alongside as well.

We used to be normal. God, what happened?

These are the inner cries of those suffering from any autoimmune issues, such as Lyme disease, Chronic Lyme with multiple co-infections, Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome, ME, Lupus, and many more. These are some of the unspoken words and emotions, fears and concerns lingering within.

But, on the other side of these emotions and fears (at one point in the past I felt them all and then some), stand those of us whom, with God’s help, are slowly coming out of such a dark road. We’re here to let you know that you’re not alone, not even close to it and THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS AWFUL TUNNEL. I’m starting to re-live my life, even better than before because I know now how valuable life truly is, how important people are but ultimately how important I also am. You are just as important:) I have boundaries, I keep toxicity at bay, I smile to the things I used to ignore and I ignore the things I should’ve deemed unimportant a long time ago.

Cheer on dear one, this too shall pass, and one day you’ll be back among your friends, most likely some new ones, and you’ll build new memories and you’ll laugh again full of life and most impotantly- full of health.

Thank you, God, for each day and God Bless:)

To the ride ahead and not behind I say “hello” with a smile on my face:)

There is no discrimination, in suffering

At one point in our lives, we’ll experience pain in some form. When the pain is so unbearable that the only prayer coming out of our lips is “Help me, God!” don’t stress over the fact that it’s not lengthy or theologically rich. In those moments the very help we receive is God himself in the person of the Holy Spirit. This presence can be through a particular person, thought of hope or strength, a book someone was inspired to write just so you can find courage through reading it, etc.  Here’s one of my own experience during one of such unbearable painful moments in the past.

Quote from my future novel.

“Laying in bed was the new activity I reluctantly had to accept, chained down by the mystery of unbearable pain. This pain brought along a certain amount of fear at times. But then there was a level of pain I’ve achieved where nothing but silence reigned, no questions, no reasoning, no fear, only silence. It’s in this horizontal position with a face washed by tears that I saw my bed expend quickly suddenly holding millions upon millions of broken diseased infested (physically or emotionally) humans. Their faces also washed in tears, millions upon millions of tears. People of all ages, from every nation, both genders and from all sorts of belief backgrounds. Holy Ghost in the shape of motherly presents sat, tears in her eyes, next to me ever so gently wiping my brow. I found temporary relief every time she did that and I was very grateful. I was not mad, angry, demanding answers or asking questions, because I saw how much God cared for me and her presence by my side day and night was constant. I don’t feel alone. She didn’t have to say one word for I understood every emotion or thought she exchanged with me. In her eyes, I saw how she mourned every single one of us, not just me, and on the bed of suffering, there wasn’t discrimination. It was equally devastating for her to see our suffering. Her heart was wounded and her face was burdened by our collective suffering, an emotion she felt far deeper than we’ll ever understand. Silent, loyal and everpresent by the side of suffering and pain she sat and wiped our sorrows softly.

I had no strength to finish a fragmented prayer I began, but she did it for me by looking deeply into my soul through my eyes and uttering the most intense pleading prayer without as much as parting her lips. But I could hear it. I didn’t understand the strange language full of color and sounds no human being will ever understand or utter. But I knew this was Trinity’s language and I only heard it from the outside, but there was an inner depth I could not hear or see but somehow know it was there. The language was meant for them that much I understand, on behalf of us, their children, whom at one point or another chose to divide among themselves driven by fear and hate. Our choice. Not theirs. A set of chains called “human will” were wrapped around her hands. Every hateful act against one another added more tears and pain to the bed of suffering which began to groan with a fresh wave of pain affecting all of us and her. I looked into her eyes but she didn’t hate us for hurting her. She loved us. Because we were her children.”

I felt the need to add this fragment now before the book is being done (maybe in a couple of years), because some of us may need to read this today.

God Bless:)

Living Proof-MS Hope

http://www.mshope.com/

https://www.seelivingproof.com/

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6604174/

I’ve watched this documentary a couple of days ago while in sickation (sick vacation) on MS, knowing people who struggle with this disease, and I strongly recommended to all MS patients out in the world.

About a month ago, unbeknownst to me I began eating a vegan product (fake bacon) and loving it. I would make sandwiches with it and top it with pepperoncini, lettuce, cucumbers, and vegan cheese and smile all the way to the last bite. Then I began feeling some of the old symptoms creeping up, symptoms such as severe fatigue, foggy memory, walking into things, nausea, fever, dropping things all the time, to name a few. Relapse or Lyme-flare was my diagnosis and began treatment right away. It would work until it wouldn’t. I upped the dose and went around the same circle. I would get better only to get worse. What in the world was happening? My joints hurt so bad, especially my hips, I was having a very hard time walking. Meanwhile, I was happily eating my vegan bacon sandwiches. About one week ago, as I was getting ready to make yet another sandwich Chet read the ingredients, for his own reasons, and exclaimed.

“Carmen, did you know this bacon has gluten? Sugar, water and gluten in concentrated form?” My brain was too foggy to process the info I was just receiving and it took me a good while before the truth absorbed between the smoky creases of my brain and into the information center where it could be processed before a response was delivered.

“What?”

“You’ve been on a gluten feast for a month!” He exclaimed in response as we both began laughing. Such privilege yet no recognition.

Well, my vegan sandwich days came to an abrupt halt. It will take a good while until this intake of gluten will be out of my system, meanwhile, I learned a few more lessons.

  1. I’ll stick to real bacon and leave the vegan diet for Chet (who’s been a vegan for the past two years now).
  2. This gluten intolerance issue is not in my head, it’s not a mental/emotional issue I came up with and just need to snap out of it, it’s real and there’s a reason why. This second point goes along with some of the information in the Living Proof MS hope documentary done by Matt Embry who was diagnosed with MS about twenty years back and fights it different ways but mostly through diet, exercise and supplements like Vit. D. Diet is the evil of most diseases and the medicine for all cures.
  3. Read and inform yourself well, without assuming, like I did, that a vegan product automatically means a gluten-free product.
  4. I balanced back quite fast once I stopped the gluten, which tells me my body and mind are serious about getting better:)))) But, I got the flue, along with every single member of my family except Alex. They’ve been in bed for a whole week before showing any signs of life. Today is Chet’s first day back to work after an entire week spent on a horizontal sickation.
  5. Grateful. There’s always a solution for every problem, just read the fine print:)
  6. P.S The words look a little funny to me so any grammatical or expressive mistakes are due to my gluten feast. God Bless:)

Lyme flare-up

This post is specifically intended for Lyme sufferers out in the world. It’s meant to inform not to extract sympathy. 

It began about one month ago, with abnormal fatigue on top of the regular fatigue I still feel most days, then my vision began suffering then my joints began aching, predominantly my hip joints. It got so bad I had a hard time walking. I began tripping constantly, dropping things and walking into furniture or walls. My brain saw the object but could not shoot a response fast enough for me to avoid the collision. I am bruised all over. I began having muscle spasm, forgetting words, and extra sensitivity to noise.  Headaches and constant flu-like symptoms. I’m still sneezing. But when I felt the muscles of my jaw begin to tighten up, the first symptom of a seizure, I knew I needed to do something.

I cut the sugar out of the diet ( high cravings and consumption the past few months). As some of you know sugar suppresses the immune system. I got back on Lyme treatment (see the picture- missing from the photograph is EHB or Immune Supporting Nutrients by Integrative a fantastic supplement and spirulina or chlorella), I continued drinking tea (sarsparilla, green, and calming, mushroom, all organic), I began drinking the juice of a squeezed lemon in the morning to help clean the liver, since it was found stagnant in my recent acupuncture appointment (What? Yes I do acupuncture, it has helped me about 8 times more than any western medicine ever did). Proverbs 18:9. I increased the intake of vegetables (I don’t really like vegetables:) in my diet and cut out meat for now since I noticed a bloating presence after consumption. I’m still on a gluten-free and dairy-free diet, you could say I’m slowly becoming a vegan, something Chet will be happy about (he’s been a vegan for two years now). Two days ago I’ve had the first decrease sign in joint pain (that’s also when I began taking the spirulina/chlorella pills so it’s no coincidence there) and I no longer walk in slow motion while wobbling, my energy is gradually increasing and my brain is clearing up. I’m still walking into things but not as often, I’m still dizzy at times, I’m still sneezing and have a runny nose but my joint pain is much lower. I sleep better and can go for a walk.

What caused it? Stress. 

From what? From the noise caused by the construction workers who drill and hammer all day long. Noise and bad vibrations affect those with a compromised immune system far quicker than otherwise healthy people, but I knew it was bad when every single person on our floor, minus the workers, complained how bad it is. Work. Despite the fact that my work is a positive element in my life, the body can not differentiate positive stress from negative and the damage is still present. Am I going to quit my job? Heck no. I love it too much. Noise: I love the loud mouth Damian/Romanian blood running through my kid’s veins:)))) They’re loud when they are in the comforts of their home, which for now is here with us. They joke constantly and tease each other mercilessly with a contagious humor flare that put both, Chet and I, in good moods while we giggle alongside:) But this sort of happy loud environment does not go well with sensitivity to noise flare-ups, so many times I have to find refuge in my bedroom and veggie with a book or my I pad. Diet. Too much sugar and not enough veggies in my diet as I’ve mentioned before would do the trick:) Emotional: The only issue I can see is our lack of view to the world out there since the building is still wrapped in white plastic and will remain wrapped until May, obstructing the natural light and sun from coming in our condo unit.  Low Vit. D is a doozie.

I‘m fighting my way, happy to have the knowledge and know how to get back on track. So far so good, no doctor appointments of IV’s (which I loathe).

Every Lyme sufferer that reads this blog, please keep in mind (as most of you already know) that Lyme affects different organs and systemically can run with small symptom differences. Every single body reacts differently to medicine, so be cautious and pay attention to your own body if you have Lyme flare-ups and need to get back on treatment. Some treatments that at one point worked for me I noticed they don’t work now and I have to back away.

All in all, I’m so grateful to God for everything I have, the knowledge to know how to handle a situation like this without being scared, the strength to go through a flare-up and still be able to work (that right there to me is a sign of fantastic improvement), to be able to slowly introduce myself back into society (I’m part of a book club here in Magnolia, and Chet and I have game or movie nights with different neighbors. I drive all over Magnolia as if I own the place, but I haven’t adventured farther then upper Queen Anne yet:) No matter the troubles in life there is always hope. Always.

God Bless:)

IMG_4927

Snowpocalypse in Seattle:)

It’s about to start:)))) Alberstons in Magnolia was running out of eggs yesterday, and New Seasons in Ballard was full last night. Thousands of dollars were spent yesterday and I’m sure today is a similar scenario. The school is going to close 75 minutes earlier and since we live on a hill, a shady hill still hosting slippery and snowy patches, Chet’s planning to come home early… if it gets bad out there that is. Thus we prepared. If the weather suddenly decides to remain sunny, warm and void of snow, we’re set with food for the upcoming six months:)))) I think it’s hilarious how much agitation is around the snow but it wasn’t funny when I was running out of certain foods the first time it snowed. My daughter is out driving, on her way home and texted us that’s chaos out here already, a stop and go traffic in Magnolia at the Fisherman’s terminal. The construction workers just stopped working and are leaving. I heard them out there laughing about not wanting to get stuck for the whole weekend here:)

I will most likely get cabin fever soon so I’ll have lots of time to write blogs these coming days, cooped up in here. Baking and writing  I guess:))))))

God Bless:)

Rugaciune

Doamne azi iti multumesc ca m-am trezit si pot respira aerul, pot vedea soarele pe cer, pot merge la baie si imi pot simti fiecare parte a corpului.

Doamne iti multumesc ca desi stiu ce inseamna durerea, azi am pauza, si pot incuraja pe altul.

Doamne iti multumesc ca ma pot duce la munca azi, ca pot retine informatiile din jurul meu, ca pot comunica fara episoade de epilepsie.

Dar cel mai adanc sentiment fata de tine e faptul ca ma iubesti, ca existi, si ca esti cu mine chiar daca nu te vad in anumite zile, nu te simt in altele si am indoile de multe ori. Te iubesc pentru cine esti nu pentru ce poti face pentru mine. Cu tine in viata mea nu ma simt singura, si nu ma intereseaza daca altii cred ca-s bolnava mintal pentru ca am o asa credinta.

Doamne continua sa ajuti pe toti copii tai, printre ei sunt si prietenii si familia mea:)

Amin

John and Paulette Stabb

img_4081

(In limba Romana la sfarsit)

On Christmas day while on the ferry making our way to my sister-in-law for Christmas dinner we ran into old and excellent friends, in fact, if not for John Stabb and his trips to Romania after the Revolution in 1989, I would’ve never met Chet:) God works through people.

It’s through them that we found out about Summer and Aurel Macsim, his daughter and son-in-law who live in Hunedoara, and that’s how we found out about Aurel’s Glioma tumor diagnosis on December 31, located in the right side of his head. Since he had an operation on January 4th in Timisoara and the recovery road, although good, is long and tiresome. Just like many of you who know them and their situation we kept them in prayers and thank God for brother Aurel, as some of you know him, recovery. I believe tomorrow he’ll be transferred back to the hospital from Hunedoara.

For some, the recovery is short of a miracle while for others may take time, but if we have faith and believe we don’t go through the suffering alone. God is on our side. Caringbridge.com (aurelmacsim) has regular updates done by Summer, his wife.

We continue to pray for Aurel and Summer through the recovery process and thank God for their well-being.

 

 

În drum spre cumnata mea în ziua de Crăciun ne-am întâlnit cu niște prieteni dragi pe care nu-i mai văzuse-m de mulți ani.

După Revoluția din 1989, John și Paulette Stabb au bătut pământul românesc mulți ani de zile ca misionari, aducând biblii și propovăduind evanghelia. Prin John l-am întâlnit pe Chet 🙂 Dumnezeu lucrează prin oameni.

Stând la povești am aflat că Summer, fata lor, este căsătorită cu un băiat din Hunedoara, Aurel Macsim și împreună au adoptat o fată. Pe 1 Ianuarie anul ăsta Aurel a fost diagnosticat cu o tumoare la cap. Operația a avut loc pe 4 Ianuarie în Timișoara și drumul de recuperare, deși bun, este lung și obositor.

Ca mulți din voi care-i cunoașteți și cunoaște-ți situația lor, i-am păstrat în rugăciuni și mulțumim lui Dumnezeu pentru succesul operației. Cred că mâine va fi transferat înapoi la Hunedoara. Operația, în general, este scurtă în comparație cu procesul, de multe ori descurajator, al recuperării. Dar victoria este a lui Dumnezeu și spre slava lui Dumnezeu. Amin.

Pentru mulți care suferă recuperarea poate veni sub formă de miracol, pentru majoritatea din noi timpul suferinței se prelinge dar dacă avem credință nu vom trece niciodată prin suferință singuri. Dumnezeu este de partea noastră.

Caringbridge.com (aurelmacsim) are actualizări făcute de Summer, soția sa.

Continuăm să ne rugăm pentru Aurel și familia lui, pentru procesul de recuperare și mulțumim lui Dumnezeu pentru bunăstarea lor.

Psalmul 23 este și va rămâne pentru mine un capitol special din Biblie care mi-a adus mângăiere în timpul suferinței. Vi-l recomand:)

Dumnezeu să vă binecuvinteze pe fiecare în parte. Amin.