My gratitude towards you explained.

I asked myself today: why the urge, lately, to write about people that made a positive impact in my life?

It’s not a sudden urge. I’ve had these emotions accompanied by fond memories deep within myself for a very long time but I never acted on them. It seems the deeper I care about a person the harder it is for me to express it. Is it a flaw? A weakness? An oddity? Or am I simply a normal human being. Upon reflection, I’ve gathered that is far easier for us humans to express anger, displeasure, and critic of others to their face (even easier behind their backs) than give them an honest compliment. And if any measure of a compliment holds an element of insincerity it shatters something within us, it shatters our trust, and without trust, a real friendship can’t exist.

Only when I became ill, and I myself received encouragements did I realize how valuable spoken support really is to a human mind, soul and spirit and I thought to myself: I may die soon and they’ll never know how much they mean to me! Unless I tell them.

So what was once buried deep within my heart is slowly but surely making its way to the surface. This may be a cheese way to express such gratitude and at times love, but what can I say? Progress and change enter the world one step at the time. The important aspect is that arrives sooner rather than later, right? So, don’t lose heart if your name hasn’t popped up on my blog just yet, it’s coming:)

God Bless:)

Familia Macovei

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Cand ma gandesc la familia Macovei (unchi si matusa), automat ma gandesc la satul Ibanesti, la tanti Ticuta si la strabunica mea. Unele dintre cele mai fericite clipe ale vietii mele au fost petrecute la Ibanesti si la Botosani, in copilarie. In Romania, pe timp de vara copii de obicei sunt trimisi la tara, la bunici, si acolo petrec multe ore pe camp, la cules de mere, ajutand bunicii sau facandu-le necazuri. Si eu cad in ambele categorii, am si ajutat am facut si necazuri. Dar trebuie sa revin la povestea de azi. Pe tanti Marcela am intalnit-o ca domnisoara la Ibanesti (eu eram copila), si mai tarziu dupa ce sa casatorit cu unchiu Valer si sa mutat la Certej ne vizita des la Hunedoara unde am locuit in acea perioada. Chet a avut si el ocazia, in 1993 sa-i cunoasca si isi aduce aminte cu drag de acele momente.

Familia Macovei, pentru mine si pentru Chet vor ramane intotdeauna una dintre cele mai indragite familii si rude:) Energia positiva si simtul umorului traieste din plin in aceasta familie, dar si faptul ca sunt oameni muncitori si prietenosi:) Deabea astept, cand ajungem si noi pe viitor inapoi in Europa sa ne revedem:)

P.S. Am multe persoane care le indragesc foarte multe de care inca nu am scris un blog la adresa lor inca:) Va urma:)

Va doresc o zi minunata tuturor:)

Good morning:)

 

I shot and put this little video together yesterday for everyone to enjoy. Take a few deep breaths, for life, lives in the depth of a good, long and deep inhale/exhale. Meditate on life and don’t fear death who’s always hovering nearby, waiting.

When we take the time to notice life all around us, it’s impossible not to smile. Some of you may disagree with such a statement usually because you may have a tendency to focus on the shadows and not the sparks of life, shadows manifested in fear of what may happen, or what others will do or say, etc. I’m intimately familiar with such shadows, I too experienced them far too frequently in the past, but recently they have diminished in intensity quite a bit. The sparks of life are found in the morning sunshine or a drop of rain, the love shared in a hug, the knowledge that we’re not alone (even if we all need moments of solitude), the fact that God is personal (some of you disagree with this one and that’s fine, no worries), etc.

Such life sparks I had recently experienced in a parent moment (those with teenagers or those of you who had teenagers will know what I’m talking about) a few weeks back, the type of moment when at 2 am you stand by the door, arms crossed, waiting for your child to step through while going in your mind through all the disciplinary methods applicable for the situation in hand. Then a broad smile (which quickly I had to make it vanish as soon as the child made its presence) washed over my face as I thought:

“Carmen, like many parents before you and long after you’re gone you’re in the midsts of a fantastic moment, a moment that one day will become a memory, make it a good one. Because you’re still alive you get to care, love and discipline (teach) your child even in these types of moments. Walking through that door in a few seconds will be the human being you’ll leave behind once you’re gone who’ll make a good impact in this world. This temporary and momentary failure on his/her behalf does not determine the man/woman this child of mine will become. I get to experience fatigue and frustration because I care because I love because I’m a mother and I will never regret that.”

Taking a deep breath in with the smile still plastered all over my face and in my heart, I lived the moment at its full potential. I didn’t use to feel the same way before I nearly died. I took such moments and made them about me. But I wonder how many times God, in His love, had his arm folded, waiting by the door for us, loving us more because we were a product of BOTH failures and successes, neither diminishing our value and potential. We were loved because we were His/Hers. (God to me has a very feminine presence, unlike the traditional Christian teachings).

When my child walked in I showed that I cared, not that I was disappointed in who they were, I reinforced the house rules and tolled the child why (school the next morning, dangerous souls lurking in the night, soals that already made their own choices to hurt others, but ultimately the discipline came because we (Chet and I) loved the child). The child apologized because it saw love and the rest of the night I slept well knowing my child was safe in bed but mostly the child knew he/she was loved. And ultimately that’s what matters most of all in this world- the sparks of life-love.

God Bless you today:)

Do it anyway.

How many of us have helped someone who took advantage of your kind heart? I’m sure there are some invisible hands raised, mine including.

Do it anyway, especially those who are ambassadors of Jesus. Showing love, forgiveness, mercy, and patience is not the same as letting others walk all over you, because what you give freely can’t be taken. In the past, I had many discouraging moments and felt much fatigue after people took advantage of my good intentions, but God’s been teaching me to “do it anyway”. In the beginning, I didn’t understand the importance of such advise, and I’m sure I haven’t completely grasped its benefits even today, but I have learned a few things along the way.

  1. When “I did it anyway” by choosing freely (not guilted into, manipulated, or forced) to show love and mercy, since forgiveness was a lesson I would learn it later on in the midsts of the great sadness of 2014-2016 which was the worst part of illness time, what I was really doing was to train my heart, train it to be more flexible, bendable and malleable, positive properties of one’s soul which God can work with. A hard, rigid and bitter heart, shatters when help comes in a form of constructive criticism, conviction or new information.
  2. When “I did it anyway” I made friends and not enemies, memories and not grievances.
  3. When “I did it anyway”, I chose my action but didn’t have to worry if the outcome was not as I expected, that responsibility was not mine to shoulder.
  4. When “I did it anyway”, I taught better lessons to my children.
  5. When “I did it anyway” I became closer to God.
  6.  When “I did it anyway”, even when it was hard, I protected my family’s hearts from anger and bitterness, a poison more deadly than most of us realize.
  7. When “I did it anyway”, without realizing, I collected favors which were returned at the most opportune time,  favors such as your prayers while too weak to fight alone in my own battles, favors like encouraging words when I had no strength left to encourage myself, favors like reminding me the right way when I was too scared and confused to see that way myself, but mostly the favor of life:) So do it anyway and see what happens in the long run. Life will not be void of pain, but it the midst of pain you will not lack friends and love, something far more precious than we realize.  God Bless:)

Lacrimi

Lacrimi, ca margelele, cad pe obrazul nostru ca expresie a durerii sau a bucuriei explozive. Vin, si Doamne iti multumim ca vin si curata sufletul, usurandu-ne de durere, de dezamagire sau de suferinta. Pe de alta parte, valul imens al unei bucurii traite din plin produc margele indentice pe obrazurile noastre.

Azi dimineata am aflat ca sora mea Delia si fratele meu Iulian cu sotia lui Cornelia, insarcinata cu primul copil, o fetita, au gasit-o pe mama plangand si cantand, uitandu-se in sus spre cer, pregatita de plecare la Bunul Dumnezeu unde odihna atat in trup cat si in suflet ii asteapta pe toti. Langa ea, statea tata, sprijin neincetat in ultimele zile. Doarme acolo cu ea la spital, in patul lui langa ea si are grija de ea. Delia ii viziteaza zilnic, de obicei cu bratele pline de mancaruri bune si zimbete pe fata. Mama era umflata rau din cauza toxinelor si in testul de sange iua gasit paraziti de la carne cruda, trichineloza. Lacrimi, ca margele, curg pe fetelor celor raniti si indurera-ti fie ele vizibile sau nu.

I-am dat telefon si am vorbit cu ea jumate de ora, o conversatie extrem de placuta, plina de dragoste si imbarbatare, ea in patul ei de suferinta eu in al meu. Se pare ca infectiile mele urinare in ultimele doua luni isi au un punct genetic, sau poate nu. Timpul le va descoperi pe toate. Dar lacrimi, ca margelele, de bucurie sau prelins pe fata mea numai cand i-am auzit glasul. Ce mult mi-e dor de mama. Ce distanta infernala e intre noi, dar ce posibilitati frumoase tehnologia prezinta. Mama era in dializa, si se simtea mai bine, i-am auzit zimbetul de pe fata si am stat la taifas bucurandu-ne una de alta cateva momente pretioase si pline de iubire.

Doamne iti multumesc pentru o mama asa de minunata si puternica:)

Lacrimi, ca margelele, cad de bucuria unei mame asa de minunate si ma rog pentru insanatosirea ei completa:)

P.S. Mama nu a murit, in caz ca ceva-i confuz in randurile mele se mai sus, dar inca nu-i stabilita din punct de vedere medical, are zile bune si zile foarte rele, dar noi avem speranta in Bunul Dumenzeu si ii multumim pentru toate.

Smile

Someone got into our ITunes account and purchased a few Tv episodes and a movie, same with our internet, used our data, my mom’s been admitted in the hospital a few days ago with severe pelvic pain, vomiting, shakes, fever, as a result of a catheter infection which spread inside her body now. She’s been in pain around the clock despite medication, and they’ve changed the pain medication a few times looking for something that will give her some comfort. She’s also on antibiotics. Tomorrow, my baby sister Oana’s one twin, Rebeca, has a doctor appointment and it looks like most likely she’ll end up having surgery on her back to remove a hemangioma (benign tumor) she was born with and didn’t shrink in the past two years as expected (she’s only two years old). Due to the stress, I’ve had a small regression and the babesia symptoms are lurking around but I have to smile, I really do…

We, the family, thank you for all your prayers and we thank God for success in the end. I’m so very thankful to have such a strong mother, and family.

Thank you God for being with us in the midsts of our challenges.

God Bless.

ER Trip

I know, I know, I’m getting tired of these ER trips as well, but yesterday, March 25th, that’s where I ended up again after I was woken up at 4 am with severe pelvic pain.

An hour and a half later we were in the ER where the seizure medication I was given intravenously helped me regain my speech (slurped speak, among other symptoms- if interested the home page has the details) and visual focus.

I’m extremely grateful I’m alive and we keep on going with all the good, bad, and everything in between. Chet was amazing, yet again, through the whole ordeal, since I couldn’t talk really well and mostly out of it.  I pray that God will give him health and strength forever. My son Merrill, who was visiting us came along as well, and I hope he wasn’t too freaked out seeing his mother seizing like that. But he’s a strong young man and I’m so very grateful to God for my entire family. People are what matters in this world, not material things. People.

God Bless.