Lyme's sufferers prayer

We are the hosts of utter frightful monsters

who hunt and hurt and spread with rapid glee

Too small to see, too tough to kill, oh me!

And here an now our limited existence,

Must be the grounds of such rebellious resistance?

We cry and hurt, and hurt with such persistence,

but doctors stare and give us no assistance,

and all we want is that our frail existence

be void of pain, but full of sheer emittance

of health and joy but not of coexistence.

My God, how can such lack of balance

exist in tissues? Why so much present malice?

Why are we hunted from within, asks us?

When will these monsters be unmasked?

A cure is all I ask today

I’m not alone in this I say

For such dark monsters our bodies they decay

And we need hope, for that I’ll surely pray. – Carmen McKnight-

Step 8- Hormones

The adrenals, thyroid and menopause mess our hormones radically. Pregnancy, for some reason, improves the wellbeing of the mother but after delivery there’s another story.

Personally I had to reboot the adrenals, and pre-menopause began in 2017 during my mercury fillings removal procedures. Another can of worms opened as pre-menopause settled in and later on in 2019, menopause.

“Adrenals sit on top of the kidneys, one for each kidney. The middle portion of the gland secrets the hormone epinephrine, better knows as adrenaline. The outer portion of the adrenal gland secrets cortisol. These two stress hormones define how you will react to stress of any sort. “*

I was operating in the sympathetic response only, the fight and flight response, unable to relax any longer and let the body heal. This was not intentionally done. I was severely fatigued all the time without the ability to rest, as I’ve previously mentioned. This is very typical in Lyme patients. I’m being tested in March for Addison’s disease since the latest blood test looking at the levels of cortisol in the morning came back low.

Hormones influence our emotions, and depression, anxiety, moodiness and other similar emotions are the results. My adrenals are fatigued and among Lyme patients this is a prominent finding.

This area is so in- depth I would only bore you to death talking about it and there are lots of youtube videos which do a better job at it than I would, so I’ll leave it at that.

How can you help your hormones and stress level?

Slow down your activities and try to slow down your mind, it’s very difficult I know because I’m still trying. Meditate, do yoga, watch non-violent shows and movies, choose non-violent subjects in your daily communications, walk barefoot on the grass and dirt outside, stay in the sun as much as possible.

Ashwagandha, Licorice and Asian Ginseng (panax ginseng) are good herbs to take. Avoid Licorice if you have insomnia and high blood pressure.

If you have a thyroid disfunction there are prescription drugs the doctor will prescribe for you. Ashwagandha, iodine or L-tyrosine are a natural route for supporting the Thyroid gland.

Menopause, a natural tornado as I call it, brings along with it too many imbalances and for those fighting Lyme, chronic Lyme, and other serious illnesses and diseases it’s a very unpleasant layer of crap on top of all the other layers of crap they have to deal with already. Ashwagandha helps to reduce the hot flashes, the herb VITEX restores progesterone secretion and normalizes the menstrual cycle and abstinence from sugar helps reduce the hot flashes (something nearly impossible to do with all the cravings that come along with menopause).

I hope some of this info can help someone, and chin up, the cure is coming.

God Bless:)

Seizure

 

 

I hope you get a chance to relax and enjoy this little video I shot and put together for you. Meditate on the things that matter to you, as I also do.

You see last week I had a nasty seizure which threw me back on my progress chart a few degrees, both physically and emotionally. It’s not easy to climb over thoughts such as “not again”, “will I ever”, “I just want to be” etc but giving up its not an option for me since I have too much to lose and would hurt too many people that I love. So I must go on. But getting back up, and moving forward while hurting, having half of my body not functioning as it should and wondering how long will it take until I fully recover is not as easy as you may think. I wish I could be poetic about all this but pain and struggle bring more misery than poetry (unless its some sort of emotional heartbreak and then you should see my muse dance and come up with all sorts of rimes and wisdom:) But for now I try not to fall on my face as I experience dizziness, I try not to walk into walls as my balance seems to be taking a vacation, and I try to smile through the pain all my limbs seemed to join in. I am weak and strong, frail and tough, happy and sad.

What caused such a relapse? Accumulation of stress (I like to collect:) Nasty flue which left a frail immune system exposed, taking up nursing duties as my family laid ill in their beds, work, and the happy visit of my cuz. But the body can’t recognize happy stress from bad stress, just files all that info in the “STRESS” file of my life while smiling knowing what’s to come. But I drove downtown! Took my cuz and my daughter to the Seattle Space Needle and other places and I’m sure inside my head there was a small voice protesting to all the exitement…which I clearly ignored. Did I learn my lesson? Depends on which side of the lesson you are. I would say, yes, then explain. I’ve learned that I have the strength to drive downtown (even if for a day every few months:) I’ve learned that my body is getting strong and able to handle more fun, I learned that relapses do happen and not to focus on them, I learned I’m fun again! Even if in a small increment at the time:) Did I learn my lesson? You be the judge, but I no matter what you decide I smile the whole way because I DROVE DOWNTOWN SEATTLE AND HAD FUN WITH MY CUZ AND DAUGHTER ON TOP OF THE SPACE NEEDLE, and that to me is priceless and worth every muscle twitch and pain;) I would do it all over again the same way, no regrets. Now go have a good time living life in whichever increments of strength you can muster, and when herxing (for my Lyme warriors or all with any autoimmune troubles:) smile because you got to the herxing reaction by living life and in the end you had a say, a choice, not the stupid illness that’s trying to kill us:)

God Bless:)

There is no discrimination, in suffering

At one point in our lives, we’ll experience pain in some form. When the pain is so unbearable that the only prayer coming out of our lips is “Help me, God!” don’t stress over the fact that it’s not lengthy or theologically rich. In those moments the very help we receive is God himself in the person of the Holy Spirit. This presence can be through a particular person, thought of hope or strength, a book someone was inspired to write just so you can find courage through reading it, etc.  Here’s one of my own experience during one of such unbearable painful moments in the past.

Quote from my future novel.

“Laying in bed was the new activity I reluctantly had to accept, chained down by the mystery of unbearable pain. This pain brought along a certain amount of fear at times. But then there was a level of pain I’ve achieved where nothing but silence reigned, no questions, no reasoning, no fear, only silence. It’s in this horizontal position with a face washed by tears that I saw my bed expend quickly suddenly holding millions upon millions of broken diseased infested (physically or emotionally) humans. Their faces also washed in tears, millions upon millions of tears. People of all ages, from every nation, both genders and from all sorts of belief backgrounds. Holy Ghost in the shape of motherly presents sat, tears in her eyes, next to me ever so gently wiping my brow. I found temporary relief every time she did that and I was very grateful. I was not mad, angry, demanding answers or asking questions, because I saw how much God cared for me and her presence by my side day and night was constant. I don’t feel alone. She didn’t have to say one word for I understood every emotion or thought she exchanged with me. In her eyes, I saw how she mourned every single one of us, not just me, and on the bed of suffering, there wasn’t discrimination. It was equally devastating for her to see our suffering. Her heart was wounded and her face was burdened by our collective suffering, an emotion she felt far deeper than we’ll ever understand. Silent, loyal and everpresent by the side of suffering and pain she sat and wiped our sorrows softly.

I had no strength to finish a fragmented prayer I began, but she did it for me by looking deeply into my soul through my eyes and uttering the most intense pleading prayer without as much as parting her lips. But I could hear it. I didn’t understand the strange language full of color and sounds no human being will ever understand or utter. But I knew this was Trinity’s language and I only heard it from the outside, but there was an inner depth I could not hear or see but somehow know it was there. The language was meant for them that much I understand, on behalf of us, their children, whom at one point or another chose to divide among themselves driven by fear and hate. Our choice. Not theirs. A set of chains called “human will” were wrapped around her hands. Every hateful act against one another added more tears and pain to the bed of suffering which began to groan with a fresh wave of pain affecting all of us and her. I looked into her eyes but she didn’t hate us for hurting her. She loved us. Because we were her children.”

I felt the need to add this fragment now before the book is being done (maybe in a couple of years), because some of us may need to read this today.

God Bless:)

Lyme flare-up

This post is specifically intended for Lyme sufferers out in the world. It’s meant to inform not to extract sympathy. 

It began about one month ago, with abnormal fatigue on top of the regular fatigue I still feel most days, then my vision began suffering then my joints began aching, predominantly my hip joints. It got so bad I had a hard time walking. I began tripping constantly, dropping things and walking into furniture or walls. My brain saw the object but could not shoot a response fast enough for me to avoid the collision. I am bruised all over. I began having muscle spasm, forgetting words, and extra sensitivity to noise.  Headaches and constant flu-like symptoms. I’m still sneezing. But when I felt the muscles of my jaw begin to tighten up, the first symptom of a seizure, I knew I needed to do something.

I cut the sugar out of the diet ( high cravings and consumption the past few months). As some of you know sugar suppresses the immune system. I got back on Lyme treatment (see the picture- missing from the photograph is EHB or Immune Supporting Nutrients by Integrative a fantastic supplement and spirulina or chlorella), I continued drinking tea (sarsparilla, green, and calming, mushroom, all organic), I began drinking the juice of a squeezed lemon in the morning to help clean the liver, since it was found stagnant in my recent acupuncture appointment (What? Yes I do acupuncture, it has helped me about 8 times more than any western medicine ever did). Proverbs 18:9. I increased the intake of vegetables (I don’t really like vegetables:) in my diet and cut out meat for now since I noticed a bloating presence after consumption. I’m still on a gluten-free and dairy-free diet, you could say I’m slowly becoming a vegan, something Chet will be happy about (he’s been a vegan for two years now). Two days ago I’ve had the first decrease sign in joint pain (that’s also when I began taking the spirulina/chlorella pills so it’s no coincidence there) and I no longer walk in slow motion while wobbling, my energy is gradually increasing and my brain is clearing up. I’m still walking into things but not as often, I’m still dizzy at times, I’m still sneezing and have a runny nose but my joint pain is much lower. I sleep better and can go for a walk.

What caused it? Stress. 

From what? From the noise caused by the construction workers who drill and hammer all day long. Noise and bad vibrations affect those with a compromised immune system far quicker than otherwise healthy people, but I knew it was bad when every single person on our floor, minus the workers, complained how bad it is. Work. Despite the fact that my work is a positive element in my life, the body can not differentiate positive stress from negative and the damage is still present. Am I going to quit my job? Heck no. I love it too much. Noise: I love the loud mouth Damian/Romanian blood running through my kid’s veins:)))) They’re loud when they are in the comforts of their home, which for now is here with us. They joke constantly and tease each other mercilessly with a contagious humor flare that put both, Chet and I, in good moods while we giggle alongside:) But this sort of happy loud environment does not go well with sensitivity to noise flare-ups, so many times I have to find refuge in my bedroom and veggie with a book or my I pad. Diet. Too much sugar and not enough veggies in my diet as I’ve mentioned before would do the trick:) Emotional: The only issue I can see is our lack of view to the world out there since the building is still wrapped in white plastic and will remain wrapped until May, obstructing the natural light and sun from coming in our condo unit.  Low Vit. D is a doozie.

I‘m fighting my way, happy to have the knowledge and know how to get back on track. So far so good, no doctor appointments of IV’s (which I loathe).

Every Lyme sufferer that reads this blog, please keep in mind (as most of you already know) that Lyme affects different organs and systemically can run with small symptom differences. Every single body reacts differently to medicine, so be cautious and pay attention to your own body if you have Lyme flare-ups and need to get back on treatment. Some treatments that at one point worked for me I noticed they don’t work now and I have to back away.

All in all, I’m so grateful to God for everything I have, the knowledge to know how to handle a situation like this without being scared, the strength to go through a flare-up and still be able to work (that right there to me is a sign of fantastic improvement), to be able to slowly introduce myself back into society (I’m part of a book club here in Magnolia, and Chet and I have game or movie nights with different neighbors. I drive all over Magnolia as if I own the place, but I haven’t adventured farther then upper Queen Anne yet:) No matter the troubles in life there is always hope. Always.

God Bless:)

IMG_4927

ME/CFS or Conversion Disorder speech on Ted Talk

ME or Myalgic Encephalopathy, also known as CFS or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Conversion Disorder. 

It’s surprising how about 99% of her symptoms I dealt with and some which remain still deal with. The good news is that I feel soooo much better, despite the mild relapse the past month where I couldn’t touch my chin to my chest due to stiffness and intense pain in the back of my neck and fatigue unusually higher than usual. I’m back on Lyme 2 a tincture that helps calm down the symptoms. I still have a very stiff back neck that crunches all the time I touch but I am so grateful for life in general that I move along:) I have a part-time job now; two hours two times a week cleaning a house, and I’m so happy and proud of myself to be a working woman again. I have deep anxiety before I have to leave, but I take Neurocalm which helps me and this week I’ve just begun drinking Sarsaparilla organic tea which gives me quite a bit of energy and calms my central nervous system as well. Amazon has a brand I use called Buddha Teas, but there are other brands out there to choose from.

For all fellow Lyme Disease, ME, CFS, Conversion Disorder, Cancer and other Autoimmune Issues too many to name, I honestly pray for your complete health or at least bearable symptoms. The cure is out there, we haven’t found it yet. Meanwhile, keep fighting, keep researching and do whatever it takes to heal yourself because if we are to wait for western medicine to do it for us we’d all be dead by now. Maybe one day they’ll catch up as well because they’re seriously behind in autoimmune disease knowledge.

Merry Christmas to everyone reading this blog and a Happy New Year full of an unexpected improvement in your lives.

God Bless:)

Homelessness of the heart

The heart, fatigued and aging, is always on a journey. She starts full of such light but her innocence has been beaten out by shrewd beasts pretending to be her friends. Promises were made to her only to be broken, and the pattern repeated enough times that she hardened and no longer ventures out to the pastures. For a time sheer anger filled her every corner, as a result, she only lashed out. At other times she received kindness and a soft caress and she melted within and without. She loved back and gave herself gladly for it was worth it, but despite the good life and love, she knew someone was missing. Most everyone else called it something, but to her, it was someone. This, someone, was hard to understand or see, its presence was only felt when she took the time, but most days she was busy giving. She often finds herself homeless, even if for a short period of time, or longer. It’s the rejection that builds the lines of sadness and its the acceptance that builds the wrinkles of life, but despite it all, this someone is who she really longs for, a presence beyond her wisdom and time, someone she heard of from so many voices but there’s still a verdict out for what she really thinks of this someone, yet, it’s the someone she longs for because only that someone understands her potential. At times, the heart rests, fully content within her existence, she wants nothing, she needs nothing, she just is. And that someone is always close by in such moments, so she rests and listens. Maybe today she’ll finally meet someone. If not, she’s still happy, even if tired. -Carmen McKnight

The bubble, or the marshmallow as Chet calls it, is getting to us all. The claustrophobia, the lack of fresh air and the stuffiness are not elements a human being was created to thrive in. This environment is digging out of me an issue still unresolved.

This struggle has been unbeknown to me until earlier this year when my heart divulged, as a result of prayers and contemplation, what’s been hidden very deep within the layers of the soal and once exposed the tear glands shed years of struggled emotions. I’ve felt homeless within my own home and heart for many years. As a result, I’ve operated out of an orphaned spirit for years. While young, I had the strength to pretend otherwise. Age brings a whole lot out of the canister.

Let me explain.

I was told, while young and growing, that the home in which I lived was not mine and I could be kicked out anytime I stepped out of line. Now please remember this, I have forgiven my father, there are some old wounds that still need healing but all in all a lot has been healed already and life is good.

When a child grows up with the notion that there is no place in this world for them a complex called the orphan’s heart sets in and with time builds strong roots. When a heart does not have a home, as I suspect most people feel that, it always stays busy searching. That’s actually good.  Searching means moving and movement is life and life-giving and one day the answer or part of the answer will reach those who search. It was the man, in its weakness that hurt us and it’s man in its strength that helps us heal. God built both of these men from the ground up, man chose, consequences followed. So what was once torn down it can be built up twice as strong.

Thanksgiving is a holiday celebrated in the heart of a home, as it should be. But some may feel like you’re intruding like you’re a foreigner like you don’t belong. But we always belong, maybe not in that home, but there is always a home for everyone.

As I’m walking my road towards growth I keep on asking myself which wolf will it win? Lie or Truth? The answer is The one I feed.  

There is nothing weird about a struggle, it simply means we’re all human beings and the growth process within has not ended yet.

Gob Bless:)

 

P.S When happy, I don’t feel the need to write blogs. It’s as if those moments of happiness are so personal writing about them would only taint and diminish their value. But hardships and trials trigger my creative juices so much that I begin a downloading process of imaginative and heartfelt moments who, by some odd impulse, I need to share. I’m sharing this with you when I’d rather keep it private. Weird.

 

 

 

Smile

Someone got into our ITunes account and purchased a few Tv episodes and a movie, same with our internet, used our data, my mom’s been admitted in the hospital a few days ago with severe pelvic pain, vomiting, shakes, fever, as a result of a catheter infection which spread inside her body now. She’s been in pain around the clock despite medication, and they’ve changed the pain medication a few times looking for something that will give her some comfort. She’s also on antibiotics. Tomorrow, my baby sister Oana’s one twin, Rebeca, has a doctor appointment and it looks like most likely she’ll end up having surgery on her back to remove a hemangioma (benign tumor) she was born with and didn’t shrink in the past two years as expected (she’s only two years old). Due to the stress, I’ve had a small regression and the babesia symptoms are lurking around but I have to smile, I really do…

We, the family, thank you for all your prayers and we thank God for success in the end. I’m so very thankful to have such a strong mother, and family.

Thank you God for being with us in the midsts of our challenges.

God Bless.

ER Trip

I know, I know, I’m getting tired of these ER trips as well, but yesterday, March 25th, that’s where I ended up again after I was woken up at 4 am with severe pelvic pain.

An hour and a half later we were in the ER where the seizure medication I was given intravenously helped me regain my speech (slurped speak, among other symptoms- if interested the home page has the details) and visual focus.

I’m extremely grateful I’m alive and we keep on going with all the good, bad, and everything in between. Chet was amazing, yet again, through the whole ordeal, since I couldn’t talk really well and mostly out of it.  I pray that God will give him health and strength forever. My son Merrill, who was visiting us came along as well, and I hope he wasn’t too freaked out seeing his mother seizing like that. But he’s a strong young man and I’m so very grateful to God for my entire family. People are what matters in this world, not material things. People.

God Bless.

 

Cancer society

Why some of us get really sick despite a good healthy diet & exercise? Why so many autoimmune illnesses in our world today, especially in a western economy?

While what I’m about to write is a partial response to the previous questions, it’s important none-the-less.

Chronic Inflammation is a killer. As most of us have realized by now, hopefully, the western medical system is set in place to manage diseases not induce health. Inflammation is combated by our immune system, but an overburdened weak immune system which 60% of its volume and 80% of its work is done in the gut, will fail to do so.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” -Hippocrates- is not a wack job or hippy expressions as some may think. The modernized mentality of western medicine and society is either intentionally (greed and power, like Monsanto for example), or through ignorance (we can all fall into this category) killing us. I believe in this regard the older generations can teach us so many great things. Farming (non-GMO, non-toxic), gardening and a healthy relationship with each other and this earth of ours is a far better approach to life than isolation ignited by the computerized devices we’ve become addicted to.

I’m a faith believer (I don’t call myself a Christian) and I do believe in Science, but I don’t believe Science alone is the answer to anything or everything but rather a healthy relationship between these two and human relationships. Same goes for the health of the body. As soon as communication between cells ceases to exist cancer cells form. It’s the isolation which produces cancer since the cell no longer receives information, does not know what its suppose to do and begins losing self-identity. “A cancer cell is the most damaged cell in the body because it is not been able to mobilize repair processes and it’s gotten so isolated that it forgot its part of you.”- Zach Bush M.D. This is one quote from the youtube interview I shared with you at the top of this blog entry. The whole interview is almost two hours long and worth listening to multiple times.

In the midsts of my illness fight, about two years ago, one day as I waited in the car while Chet did our grocery shopping, I watched as an obese young lady shouting angrily at her family ate a hamburger from McDonald’s. From the words coming out of her mouth, the self-entitled attitude she was ill of was extremely evident. I sat there in silence, fighting to breath, white as a ghost thinking: Please be happy. Realize how good life is. Why so angry? Why so miserable? Then a slideshow of flashing images began running in my visual sight and as I watched, surprised while wondering if this was a symptom requiring medical attention, God was trying to help me understand a depth of our life I’ve never considered before. The vivid images showed me a whole process of life, connection, pain, consequences and depth; it began with life at a cellular level than to grass, trees, flowers, animals until it focused on a pig, to the cruel conditions of the pig’s life, it’s pain and fears, the hatered of the workers raising the pig attaching to the pig on a cellular level, to his cruel slaughter, to the cold manner and toxic methods of it’s meat being processed, to the stressed out meat packers working in different stages of emotional battles of their own lives, to the transportation of the meat, and the ignorant and often impatient workers at McDonalds where the meat (by now proccessed multiple times in unatural manners) ended up and to the woman I was now watching eating it. “Think of all the energy, dark or light, good or bad, that entered that hamburger and bacon. She’s not only eating all those people’s anger, hatred, despair etc, who came in contact with the meat but the pig’s pain and fear, the polluted rain it fell on him while caged, and the toxic food he was fed. Every living thing is connected to each other in ways no one imagines, you are more energy than matter, and can you see how it’s all connected?”

I haven’t talked to anyone, except Chet, about this experience due to my own skepticism on such a subject usually heard from the new age community, but in the past ten years, I have been shown some things, similar to this experience that made me ponder on certain things and do lots of research.  My strict and very conservative religious background made me shy away from such thinking, but, in my opinion, God was trying to show me something bigger than religion and old set beliefs. Over the years and with a great deal of personal studying I’m coming to the realization that God is immensely bigger than any religious upbringing and my once fearful questions: “What if the world is not the way I was taught to believe? What if God is bigger than my parents belief? Should I dare consider such a thought?” The answer is -yes. Every generation has great things to teach but we should never stop searching and ask questions.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that cancer is not only a disease of the body but of the society as well. Lack of relationships and social intereaction through isolation is cancerous.

We can change that. Let’s take care of each other and this earth, both people, and the earth were given to us as a gift from God to take care of not abuse it.

God Bless.