The White Canvas

About seven years ago, while in front of my sink doing the mundane chore of washing dishes, I heard God. He chose that setting intentionally, to counteract the curse this mundane chore took upon itself.

“No matter how good you are you’ll aways end up in front of pots and pans, so don’t bother trying anything else.” These were the words of my mother, spoken in a moment of personal weakness and pain. But I took it as scripture and hated this mundane task ever since. It mocked my potential, reminding me I was nothing more than a dishwasher.

God chose this setting intentionally to speak to me for a season, raising in me a desire to wash dishes.

“You must forgive, Carmen.” Easy said. The people who brought pain in my life are not worthy of my forgiveness, I thought.

“You must forgive. You must leave the past behind.” What is the past? A day? A month? A year?

“Every second that moves from present to past is your past.” A shiver ran down my spine. I began understanding something new, something powerful, but I needed assurance more than I needed a further explanation. I believe when we need further explanation, in fact, we simply need further assurance in the form of a repetitive pattern of hearing something good. Bad, we seem to accept right away, many times without investigating the source and their intention. Like all wounded human being I needed that assurance.

“Every second you live is your present, every second past that is your past.” The repetition was necessary and welcomed. I pondered amazed. This is too good to be true, I thought.

“Carmen, with every present second the canvas of your life starts white. You decide the pattern and colors of your life. You no longer have to drag the mucky colors of your past into the new canvas. Leave it behind. I made it possible for you. You can start new every second of your life. How do you want your canvas of life to look now?” Tears ran down my face as I slowly absorbed the unbelievably great news. I had the freedom provided by Jesus to start new every second. I didn’t need to bring the ugly of the past, which was weighing me down so much, into my new canvas. I had billions of chances and billions of white canvasses to paint my life the way I wanted it to be and not the way others tried to manipulate me into painting it. I was free to choose. Free of past, free of pain, free of guilt, free of fear, free of bitterness, free of insecurity and the list kept going. How do I want my new canvas to look like now? So many possibilities! All so very wonderful! A new beginning with every breath of my life.

How about you? How do you want your canvas to look like? You have a new start with every breath of your life:) Think of the fantastic possilities. No more hold backs, no more past to drag you down. Just paint! Use the beautiful colors and smile while you decide the look of your canvas:)))))

God Bless:)



A week of food deprivation took it’s tool on the body as I laid in bed shivering, frail and faint.

Why didn’t I eat this week? Was it laziness? Was it ignorence? What was it?

The knock on the door only irritated me further. It took all my remaining strength to get up and answer the door. I squinted my eye from the pain the light reflecting through the window gave me. A UPS guy stood in front of my door. A huge box sat next to him.

“Sighn here, please.” I signed. The unexpected blow come from my left and I fell down too weak to get up as he hit me over and over leaving behind broken bones, gashes with fresh blood dripping all over my bruised and semiconscious self. Then he leaves. I lift my fist in utter bitterness and anger.

“Where is my neighbor when I really need them? Where is everyone? Can’t they see I’m hurting here?” The UPS left, not bothering to bring the big box inside the house. Now I’m left struggling with the box and cursing all the people, so called friends, too selfish to come and help me.

This is a fictional story, based on something God tried to help me understand. When we choose not to feed ourselves regularly -everyone eats a different amount of food and their diets are different than yours- you weaken and are easy prey to the unforeseen battle ahead. Same with soul/spiritual nourishment. If we don’t regularly feed ourselves -encouragement, pozitive thoughts and faith (in God in my case), we’re left just as weak and vulnerable as the example given, and simple tasks- like lifting a heavy box- became overwhelmingly frustrating. To blame God or other’s for us freely choosing not to nourish ourselves is just as ridiculous as the example given. Stop over-spiritualizing -myself included- our actions or lack there of. We must take responsibility for our actions. More times than not, we suffer from being unprepared.

God bless:)

Tennis match

Today, for the first time in…let’s not even try to go there but finish the sentence with, many years, I played tennis. Our family went to a very nice tennis court only minutes away from where we live, formed teams and began to play. Mind you, we skipped the stretching part or any of the warming up, because that’s for sissies:) In our own eyes, we played like champions and within minutes felt the weight of the gold metals around our necks, enjoying the imaginary cheers coming from the imaginary audience near by too flabbergasted by such an incredible performance.

I pulled a muscle, but what’s a champion without its injuries? We came, we fought, we conquered.

At home, I pulled out of the freezer a bag of vegetables and happily attached it to my upper thigh where the muscles screamed like a toddler who skipped its nap. But I had a smile on my face. This injury made sense to me. I’ve earned this injury fair and square and was very proud of it. I hurt because I lived. Not some stupid bug biting me and nearly killing me then turning me into a walking zombie for years. Noooo, my friends, this was the kind of injury you get because you live, and you have fun living. And I plan to do it again:) My muscle sores have sores, that’s how I feel now, but I smile and keep on tapping this keyboard because I played a match of tennis with my family and we had a fantastic time doing it.

I hope you get a chance to enjoy life in your own way and keep cool this week because real summer has finally arrived in Pacific Northwest.

God bless:)

Dentist appointment

Wednesday, July 19th, I had another dental appointment. It took almost three hours, I had four mercury (amalgam) fillings removed, decay found under the fillings cleaned out , one molar and premolar filled with new clean and safe resin composite filling and one molar and premolar prepped for crowns. I have temporary crown fits on now and I am still in a certain procentage of pain. One side of the TMJ joint sort of popped out due to the lengthy appointment and the doctor treated that with a laser session which helped it right away.

Within hours -had to wait for the numbing to subside- I noticed a dramatic neurological improvement; no more shadows on the periferal sides of my eyes and the slight blindness I seemed to have learned to live with, had vanished. I was no longer jumpy and agitated. The noise sensibility subsided quite a bit and visually I improved. Next, I noticed-my husband and children as well- an increase in energy. I ran- even if only for a minute- with my son Alex, while playing a game, in the park. I haven’t done that in almost four years! Overall, I felt lighter, happier, and bubbly. I began noticing details around me, somehow I missed seeing them until now. I had a lot of de-ja-vus, all connected to Romania, where I was born and raised. I found myself saying and thinking ‘I want to do that…and that…and that.’ My personality is coming back- love of life and adventure- effortlessly. I made as I call it ‘The Big Breakfast” on Sunday, a tradition I had since…ever. I love a big breakfast! I haven’t done that in years, since I lacked the energy and appetite. I find myself doing and saying things I used to do and say, good stuff and it’s as if I’m waking up from a long and horrible nightmare. I still have dental ache and pain daily since Wed. That was a big project I both dreaded and looked forward to. What remains of the mercury, is a tattoo (as the dentist call it), which is nothing short of a piece of mercury filling lodged directly in my gums (been there for 20 years and freely licked it’s poisons directly into my system) and one last mercury filling that we will take care of mid September. I knew I would have to deal with a certain amount of detox and today was the first day I felt it’s presence, but that is something very familiar to me and not at all frightening and I know it will take a few months of rebuilding, once all the dental work is fully completed- by the end of the year-, but I can see a dramatic improvement, something I treat both with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy and with a certain caution. I can’t believe that after all these years, after all that fighting, it’s finally happening. I can see the joy in my family as well, seeing their mother and wife finally returning to her old self. I’m still in pain, but this is the residual pain and the last paddle through the darkness, as we come to the other side, bathing in the light. I thank God, for everything, I thank my dear Chet for being so strong and solid during this whole nightmare, I thank my kids for being brave, I thank you, my friends and family for all your prayers. This is OUR victory, since I’ve come to fully believe no man is it’s own island. It took all of us, mostly God, to get here and I can’t wait to throw away the paddles of pain, get fully out of the boat of misery and freely walk in full health.

I look forward to take the bus just because, to make spontaneous decisions, to stop fighting the fear of passing out or falling into a neurological convulsion due to the stimulation overload. I look forward to live and not be afraid of it.

For all of you, who are still fully paddling through pain and misery, keep paddling, and one day I would love to celebrate your walk on the shore of health and freedom. There is no greater battle than the battle of a physical disease and wounded soul (mind, will and emotion). There’s no greater victory than the victory of health over them both. I call Lyme disease and MSIDS (Multi-Systemic Infectious Disease Syndrome) as I’ve been diagnosed with, Satan’s disease. It manifests just as darkly both in body and mind, making the patient a perfect target for ridicule from undereducated doctors and selfish fake friends. I’ve dealt with both the entire time, having to rise above and continue to focus on my full recovery. So, I guess the lesson is; keep your focus and disregard the junk. It’s not ease, but it’s possible. There will always be true friends on your side, focus on them, love them and cherish them. And ultimately, thank God for the second (or however many) chance of life. Life is a gift. It does not come void of pain, but despite the pain, life is a gift. Live it well.

God bless:)