writing

Exercise and Autoimmune Disease

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

I’ve expressed in my last post of my desire to write more. Don’t you know by now that most New Year Resolutions are simply a “to do” list for the first week of January:)))))

I have been writing more, in fact, two hours a day on my new fiction adventure novel called “Finding Home”, but enough about that.

New Year brings out the “health nut” portion of ourselves, usually for a couple of weeks for most and a bit longer for others (unless your “health nut” person is out all the time having fun running, in that case, this may only be one of those easy reads for you). The “health nut” usually tends to go right back into hibernation for the better part of the year. It may have a few breaks now and again.  It will come out in full and temporary feverish mood, usually before summer for that amazing bikini look, or before a wedding when you want to look better than the bride herself.

I began my yoga exercise again, after a nice break of six months. Breaks are necessary too, especially when one fights an autoimmune disease. In fact, I must be going through something this very moment because I’m misspelling every single word as if my brain would rather sleep instead of think.

The yoga program I followed for more than ten years now is a Canadian based program called “Namaste” Yoga Practice by Kate Potter. It used to be a television program, maybe still is, but its the only exercise routine I stuck with all these years. I’m not a believer in the spiritual side of the yoga practice, I simply like its smooth moves and relaxing way of moving the body. I tried all sorts of other programs before this one, programs more rigorous, and found them downright annoying.

Anyone fighting Chronic Lyme, Cancer, MS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia to name only a few of the autoimmune diseases, does not have the energy most days to take a shower, or go up and down their own home’s stairs, let alone exercise. In most of these cases, any and all energy present in the body, it is wisely distributed towards activities such as doctor appointments, dinners, laundry, lunches for the kids and maybe sex with your spouse. However, when these diseases are in remission the fun begins. I remember celebrating the walk to my own mailbox, which progressed to being in the car when my husband drove to do the grocery shopping, to taking five, ten then twenty-minutes long walks, to playing tennis and now to driving small distances. Oh, the joy of stabbing one’s toe and crying happy tears because you actually felt that pain, where once used to be a tingling numbing spot.

Well now I’m stronger and I can do the complete 20-minute yoga program. I love the stretching part (although if you decide to start yoga don’t overstretch: it’s like the medication, you take a big dose and a Herx reaction is sure to follow, so build up to it slowly:), I love the smooth movements and the calming music (neuro damage is very often present in people who fight Lyme disease and overstimulating the senses is often very unpleasant, to say the least).

For all out there who are fighting these nasty diseases and live in pain why too much, if you can, yoga is a pleasant possibility of exercise. Mostly, I wish you the best of health so you can choose for yourself what type of exercise you want to do- no matter how strenuous.

Have a blessed new year full of hope and laughter, both are great medicine for the soul.

God Bless:)

 

 

La Multi Ani!

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

In noul an sa aveti parte de bucurii si multa sanatate, ca restul se fac de la sine:) Linga Dumnezeu sa stam, asta nu inseamna ca stim totul, ca nu vom avea greautati si ca nu vom avea intrebari fara raspunsuri. Dar alegem sa crede-m in ciuda faptului ca nu intelegem multe in viata asta. Doresc ca trecutul sa va invete anumite lucruri dar sa nu va tina prizonieri, doresc sa va bucura-ti de present si sa ave-ti speranta viitorului.

Unii din voi ati trecut anul acesta prin multe schimbari, altii sint in doliu, si altii asteapta bucuria unui nou nascut. Eu numai ce am iesit dintr-o criza, a venit fara anunt, cum de obicei vine necazul si a plecat repede dar nu a lasat frica in urma sau deznadejde. Cum am terminat, m-am gindit la voi:)

Vreau sa-mi cer iertare de la toti care poate pe parcusul anilor mei pe pamint pina in prezent, datorita imaturitatii, sau reactionind dintr-o inima ranita v-am suparat cu ceva sau v-am jignit cu ceva. Imi stiu inima, si in mare parte a fost fara intentie.

In noul an voi continua sa intreb intrebari, sa citesc si sa caut adevarul, nu cum o prezinta religia ci cum o prezinta Dumnezeu. Voi avea interbari, poate tot mai putine raspunsuri dar stiu clar ca voi avea multe experiente vrednice de trait si memorii pretioase de acumulat. Vreau ca in anul nou sa citesc si sa scriu mai mult, si sa continui sa ma bucur de momentele mici de zi cu zi ale vietii care in realitate sint foarte importante.

Fie ca Bunul Dumnezeu sa fie cu voi, in mijlocul vietii de zi cu zi, cu toate esecurile si victoriile noastre care impacheteaza characterul important al fiecarui individ.

La Multi Ani!!!!

Happy New Year!!!

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Happy New Year to all my friends and family:) May this coming year help you move towards your goals while leaving behind the hindrances of the past. Let the past teach you but not hinder you:) Enjoy the present and hope for a good future.

Some of my friends have gone through drastic transitions this year, some of my friends have lost loved ones and are in mourning, while others are celebrating the gift of new life:) I just came out of a herxheimer reaction a few minutes ago, however my focus is on this wonderful new year and all its possibilities. I have a few new year resolutions, like: write and read more, but I’m not overly obsessed with issues that seem unrealistic to me. Simple is better.

Before I move forward I must say “I’m sorry” to all and any of you that I may have offended at any point in my life, most likely without intention, most likely from sheer ignorance, and at times out of a defensive emotional approach in order to protect myself.  Please forgive me.

This new year, I’m sure I’ll continue my struggle in finding the truth, I’ll have lots more questions, even fewer answers, but I will not lack in collecting more experience.

May God bless you and I wish you all the best.

Happy New Year!

The Accusation

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

“You’re possessed by demons!” The critical eyes on the other side of this accusation always turned out to be trouble makers within the Christian circle with a very poor example of their own personal lives. Despite me being aware of that obvious fact, I blinked, taken a back by such a bold insult packaged as a statement. My heart got hit, yet again. Can it be true? The doubt sneaked in inevitably.

Why does this particular accusation bothers me- besides the obvious reason; who wants to be tolled they have demons?- and creates such unease within my soul? I’ve meditated on these words many times while asking God for his advise.

Conclusion: While growing up, my siblings and I were called “devil’s children” or “piu de drac” in the Romanian language, regularly. Our role- according to our accuser- was to torment him. That wasn’t very nice and I’ve tried to break away from such a stigma for years. I’ve succeeded only recently, right after God tolled me to look at the evidence- an evidence between how God treated me during the course of my life versus my accuser. The evidence speaks for itself and I no longer need to worry about a lie, passed around with such ease while leaving behind such damage.

Let me ask you this: What person full of the true spirit of God, would say something like this in your weakest of moments (first one was during my first pregnancy and the second was during these past four years while fighting a diagnosed disease). Only a hurt person would hurt another. Religion, hate, pain and misery would speak out such things while the true spirit of God brings you comfort in your weakness.

Some of you know what I’m talking about. You’ve hurt because of such accusations done in hate against you and excused by religious beliefs.

I do believe in being attacked, as we all are either by disease, disappointment, fear, anger, etc and if not resolved it turns chronic. But when “help” comes with a big dose of guilt, condemnation, accusation and down right hate, it no longer falls in the category of help. And when you’re already fighting a battle you don’t need sand in your eyes.

Thank God for healthy friends, like Chet, Elizabeth, Natalya, Gabi, Lynn, other American friends, my brothers and sisters, my Romanian friends and my family here in America,,, thank God for so many of you, full of love, that outnumbered the other ones. I hope you’re all doing well:)

God Bless:)

My first hi tops

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Back in the 90’s in Romania-1991 to be precise- while in 11th grade, the town was hit- probably an American famous pop singer brought it about- by a new fashion must; white hi tops sneakers.

Like any respectable poor person -not sure what’s respectable about being poor:)- I dreamed of having a pair but lacked the money to purchase such an outrageous item -the cost was two months of a laborer’s paycheck. Food was much higher on the priority list than some silly notion of fashion-I knew, if I asked my parents for a pair, their answers would be along those lines. So I had to take matters in my own hands; after all a poor young girl can only forgo so many earthy pleasures before resenting her social status; and I was way past that level.

After the revolution of 1989, where communism supposedly fell- only to be replaced by the same corrupted politicians wearing hats with different political agendas- my family began receiving packages of clothing and food- a perk for being poor. Most of the clothes were of a “worldly style”, meaning too racey (sexy) for our conservative Christian life style, so I sold them to my classmates who seemed to love such style. (I loved some of those clothes too, but I would’ve been blue and purple if my father caught me wearing them). It was the two gold necklaces that I sold who brought me real dough. I purchased food and my favorite (and only) new pair of shoes as far back as I remembered. I admired those white beauties for a long time, too afraid to get them dirty. Eventually I put them on and walked, chest high, all over town. Yes, I did get a few looks of envy and admiration, which was all so worth it. The first crack -after only 15 minutes of wear- was the most painful rip through my heart. By the time I go home there were big cracks on top. Pieces of fake junk. Bought them directly from a store but that held no guarantee of quality for any client. Well, I felt foolish, sad and still loving those sneakers but soon after, I had to throw them in the trash -a sad day full of mournful thoughts and a plan to learn the difference between real leather and the plastic fakes. I still remember those nice pairs of hi tops -never bought another one- and for a few days I felt as rich as everyone else in town, a feeling well worth all that trouble:)

 

The White Canvas

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

About seven years ago, while in front of my sink doing the mundane chore of washing dishes, I heard God. He chose that setting intentionally, to counteract the curse this mundane chore took upon itself.

“No matter how good you are you’ll aways end up in front of pots and pans, so don’t bother trying anything else.” These were the words of my mother, spoken in a moment of personal weakness and pain. But I took it as scripture and hated this mundane task ever since. It mocked my potential, reminding me I was nothing more than a dishwasher.

God chose this setting intentionally to speak to me for a season, raising in me a desire to wash dishes.

“You must forgive, Carmen.” Easy said. The people who brought pain in my life are not worthy of my forgiveness, I thought.

“You must forgive. You must leave the past behind.” What is the past? A day? A month? A year?

“Every second that moves from present to past is your past.” A shiver ran down my spine. I began understanding something new, something powerful, but I needed assurance more than I needed a further explanation. I believe when we need further explanation, in fact, we simply need further assurance in the form of a repetitive pattern of hearing something good. Bad, we seem to accept right away, many times without investigating the source and their intention. Like all wounded human being I needed that assurance.

“Every second you live is your present, every second past that is your past.” The repetition was necessary and welcomed. I pondered amazed. This is too good to be true, I thought.

“Carmen, with every present second the canvas of your life starts white. You decide the pattern and colors of your life. You no longer have to drag the mucky colors of your past into the new canvas. Leave it behind. I made it possible for you. You can start new every second of your life. How do you want your canvas of life to look now?” Tears ran down my face as I slowly absorbed the unbelievably great news. I had the freedom provided by Jesus to start new every second. I didn’t need to bring the ugly of the past, which was weighing me down so much, into my new canvas. I had billions of chances and billions of white canvasses to paint my life the way I wanted it to be and not the way others tried to manipulate me into painting it. I was free to choose. Free of past, free of pain, free of guilt, free of fear, free of bitterness, free of insecurity and the list kept going. How do I want my new canvas to look like now? So many possibilities! All so very wonderful! A new beginning with every breath of my life.

How about you? How do you want your canvas to look like? You have a new start with every breath of your life:) Think of the fantastic possilities. No more hold backs, no more past to drag you down. Just paint! Use the beautiful colors and smile while you decide the look of your canvas:)))))

God Bless:)

 

Nourishment

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

A week of food deprivation took it’s tool on the body as I laid in bed shivering, frail and faint.

Why didn’t I eat this week? Was it laziness? Was it ignorence? What was it?

The knock on the door only irritated me further. It took all my remaining strength to get up and answer the door. I squinted my eye from the pain the light reflecting through the window gave me. A UPS guy stood in front of my door. A huge box sat next to him.

“Sighn here, please.” I signed. The unexpected blow come from my left and I fell down too weak to get up as he hit me over and over leaving behind broken bones, gashes with fresh blood dripping all over my bruised and semiconscious self. Then he leaves. I lift my fist in utter bitterness and anger.

“Where is my neighbor when I really need them? Where is everyone? Can’t they see I’m hurting here?” The UPS left, not bothering to bring the big box inside the house. Now I’m left struggling with the box and cursing all the people, so called friends, too selfish to come and help me.

This is a fictional story, based on something God tried to help me understand. When we choose not to feed ourselves regularly -everyone eats a different amount of food and their diets are different than yours- you weaken and are easy prey to the unforeseen battle ahead. Same with soul/spiritual nourishment. If we don’t regularly feed ourselves -encouragement, pozitive thoughts and faith (in God in my case), we’re left just as weak and vulnerable as the example given, and simple tasks- like lifting a heavy box- became overwhelmingly frustrating. To blame God or other’s for us freely choosing not to nourish ourselves is just as ridiculous as the example given. Stop over-spiritualizing -myself included- our actions or lack there of. We must take responsibility for our actions. More times than not, we suffer from being unprepared.

God bless:)

Tennis match

/ Carmen McKnight / 4 Comments

Today, for the first time in…let’s not even try to go there but finish the sentence with, many years, I played tennis. Our family went to a very nice tennis court only minutes away from where we live, formed teams and began to play. Mind you, we skipped the stretching part or any of the warming up, because that’s for sissies:) In our own eyes, we played like champions and within minutes felt the weight of the gold metals around our necks, enjoying the imaginary cheers coming from the imaginary audience near by too flabbergasted by such an incredible performance.

I pulled a muscle, but what’s a champion without its injuries? We came, we fought, we conquered.

At home, I pulled out of the freezer a bag of vegetables and happily attached it to my upper thigh where the muscles screamed like a toddler who skipped its nap. But I had a smile on my face. This injury made sense to me. I’ve earned this injury fair and square and was very proud of it. I hurt because I lived. Not some stupid bug biting me and nearly killing me then turning me into a walking zombie for years. Noooo, my friends, this was the kind of injury you get because you live, and you have fun living. And I plan to do it again:) My muscle sores have sores, that’s how I feel now, but I smile and keep on tapping this keyboard because I played a match of tennis with my family and we had a fantastic time doing it.

I hope you get a chance to enjoy life in your own way and keep cool this week because real summer has finally arrived in Pacific Northwest.

God bless:)

Dentist appointment

/ Carmen McKnight / 2 Comments

Wednesday, July 19th, I had another dental appointment. It took almost three hours, I had four mercury (amalgam) fillings removed, decay found under the fillings cleaned out , one molar and premolar filled with new clean and safe resin composite filling and one molar and premolar prepped for crowns. I have temporary crown fits on now and I am still in a certain procentage of pain. One side of the TMJ joint sort of popped out due to the lengthy appointment and the doctor treated that with a laser session which helped it right away.

Within hours -had to wait for the numbing to subside- I noticed a dramatic neurological improvement; no more shadows on the periferal sides of my eyes and the slight blindness I seemed to have learned to live with, had vanished. I was no longer jumpy and agitated. The noise sensibility subsided quite a bit and visually I improved. Next, I noticed-my husband and children as well- an increase in energy. I ran- even if only for a minute- with my son Alex, while playing a game, in the park. I haven’t done that in almost four years! Overall, I felt lighter, happier, and bubbly. I began noticing details around me, somehow I missed seeing them until now. I had a lot of de-ja-vus, all connected to Romania, where I was born and raised. I found myself saying and thinking ‘I want to do that…and that…and that.’ My personality is coming back- love of life and adventure- effortlessly. I made as I call it ‘The Big Breakfast” on Sunday, a tradition I had since…ever. I love a big breakfast! I haven’t done that in years, since I lacked the energy and appetite. I find myself doing and saying things I used to do and say, good stuff and it’s as if I’m waking up from a long and horrible nightmare. I still have dental ache and pain daily since Wed. That was a big project I both dreaded and looked forward to. What remains of the mercury, is a tattoo (as the dentist call it), which is nothing short of a piece of mercury filling lodged directly in my gums (been there for 20 years and freely licked it’s poisons directly into my system) and one last mercury filling that we will take care of mid September. I knew I would have to deal with a certain amount of detox and today was the first day I felt it’s presence, but that is something very familiar to me and not at all frightening and I know it will take a few months of rebuilding, once all the dental work is fully completed- by the end of the year-, but I can see a dramatic improvement, something I treat both with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy and with a certain caution. I can’t believe that after all these years, after all that fighting, it’s finally happening. I can see the joy in my family as well, seeing their mother and wife finally returning to her old self. I’m still in pain, but this is the residual pain and the last paddle through the darkness, as we come to the other side, bathing in the light. I thank God, for everything, I thank my dear Chet for being so strong and solid during this whole nightmare, I thank my kids for being brave, I thank you, my friends and family for all your prayers. This is OUR victory, since I’ve come to fully believe no man is it’s own island. It took all of us, mostly God, to get here and I can’t wait to throw away the paddles of pain, get fully out of the boat of misery and freely walk in full health.

I look forward to take the bus just because, to make spontaneous decisions, to stop fighting the fear of passing out or falling into a neurological convulsion due to the stimulation overload. I look forward to live and not be afraid of it.

For all of you, who are still fully paddling through pain and misery, keep paddling, and one day I would love to celebrate your walk on the shore of health and freedom. There is no greater battle than the battle of a physical disease and wounded soul (mind, will and emotion). There’s no greater victory than the victory of health over them both. I call Lyme disease and MSIDS (Multi-Systemic Infectious Disease Syndrome) as I’ve been diagnosed with, Satan’s disease. It manifests just as darkly both in body and mind, making the patient a perfect target for ridicule from undereducated doctors and selfish fake friends. I’ve dealt with both the entire time, having to rise above and continue to focus on my full recovery. So, I guess the lesson is; keep your focus and disregard the junk. It’s not ease, but it’s possible. There will always be true friends on your side, focus on them, love them and cherish them. And ultimately, thank God for the second (or however many) chance of life. Life is a gift. It does not come void of pain, but despite the pain, life is a gift. Live it well.

God bless:)