You got married, the honeymoon passed and the child or children arrived. As a wife you start to feel less beautiful or desirable since your hubby does not spend as much time courting you like he used to. (Most likely he’s too stressed out figuring ways to be a good provider for his growing family.) The fatigue coming with having children makes you cranky, easily irritable and annoyed and you start picking your hubby apart, subconsciously unaware what a disaster awaits you at the end of this road. He does his best to provide but maybe you don’t feel that’s good enough. Such feeling usually arrives from comparing your material stock, or lack there of, with someone else who “has bigger and better stuff.” They’re maybe a rival of yours or someone you perceive more important than you meanwhile forgetting to compare your wealth with someone who has much less than you have. So you argue and pick him apart because he does not fit into your “happily ever after prince” version. He ignores you more often which escalate those inner insecurities until internal questions such as “does he still love me? Am I still beautiful?” etc show up. Does this sound familiar for some of you?
You want some advise from an older woman who has been through her fair share of struggles? Before I move on let me confess something to you. Any man or woman who emotionally and physically abuses their spouses and children need medical and psychological help. If they refuse to change and continue to abuse, they’re not worthy of keeping that family and should take responsibilities of the outcomes-which of course that rarely happens. I do believe battered spouses should leave their abusers even if that goes against my Christian teachers, family and friend’s believes. I saw first hand the devastating result of such violence. I also saw, experienced and still do experience what love looks like in comparison and the flourishing results it has. Some call it God, others call it “the big guy”, but without a doubt there is a bigger picture than what we see with our physical eyes and there is a better explanation for the miracles that do happen than most of us have or try to concoct.
But I got side-tracked so back to today’s subject. Here it goes.
- If you’re insecure you have to ask yourself why? Find the core of your own insecurity. Most likely has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with something else that happened earlier in your life which damaged certain views and values directly linked to you, even if that means a sense of entitlement, which is a damaged view of self and the world, by-the-way. Then take responsibilities and start changing. I’ve lost most of you here, haven’t I? No one likes to take responsibilities over their bad actions, only recognition over the good ones. (Ex: Here’s one way I handle this one. When I get annoyed by something I ask myself why then look deeper within, beyond the irritating present issue. If I see a pattern, meaning if I see myself always getting annoyed when this or that happens, or so and so said or did something that bothered me, then I know I got a bad root. I begin asking myself the why question and with every answer I keep on asking myself why, until I get to the root. I don’t always get to the root right away, and that’s alright as long as I make progress. Healing happens in layers at times. But you have to keep yourself honest and stop blaming, especially yourself during this process.)
- Just like you, he’s never been married before (talking to first marriages), and he’s trying to figure the whole thing out as best as he can. Most likely the responsibility as a provider is high and as a result of that his focus and energy is spent in providing. You can’t tear his efforts down (even if they’re not in line with what you think they should look or be like) just like you wouldn’t want him to tear your efforts of figuring the motherhood and spousal responsibilities you now have. The whole marriage is a process not an advertisement poster, perfect and complete.
- Smile. This is a big one. Even if you don’t feel like it. A man finds a smile to be the sexiest part of your body and soul. So smile. If he’s hanging around bringing home the bacon you’re his babe.
- Communication. Oh my gosh! This is a killer or a healer! For crying- out-loud ladies he’s not a woman! He does not speak female, he speaks male, which means keep it simple, direct and to the point. He gets that. And try to keep cool, imagine that you’re talking about someone else when you describe your frustrations. Ex: Babe I’m too tired, can you help me with the trash? Can you take it out? When you see certain facial expressions or hear certain groans as a result, don’t take it personally,. He loves you, he just hates taking the trash out but because he loves you, even if he does not like it he’ll do it. Give him credit. It is like dealing with a big kid at times. Don’t read into it and make a big deal about it. If the trash is gone be happy and move on.
- Don’t nag. Ugh, it’s so unpleasant when I talk with another woman and she nags so I can only imagine a man would feel the same. Stop it. Talk. Like an adult.
- This-too- shall- pass you heard the saying and its categorically true, if you let it. Nothing lasts forever. Even good moments, like a nice date, a fun party, an emotional speech, so on, which is always good when hardships bust through our doors. They will not last forever!
- Work hard and choose to be happy instead of right. That right there will fix most of your issues:) Well, I’ll stop here so I won’t bore you further, unless that’s too late already:) Live well, be nice and let your soul smile more often:)
- P.S. If you have more wonderful suggestions, let me know:) God Bless:)