Author: Carmen McKnight

The road towards health

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How did I recover?

There are many roads to recovery, one for each body and soal. What do I mean by that?  Individually, our DNA and cellular built are unique for each of us even if there are many similarities between us, and recovery should be approached with this in mind.

But enough of the philosophical talk and let’s get into the practical. How did I recover?

Before I received the diagnosis of chronic Neuro Lyme Disease with multiple co-infections (on October 2014, eight months into the whole thing) I’ve already decided to be the 1% who will recover 100%. With that in mind, I began my journey and every time I heard: There’s no cure for this, I would respond: Not yet. There’s a cure for everything we just haven’t found it yet. I really believe that.

I also had to accept one true fact: It was up to me to get healthy. Sure the doctors were going to help if they could, but ultimately it was up to me to want to heal, which meant perseverance, asking questions, doing lots of research work and ultimately be a guinea pig if that meant success. That’s what I did.

Here are some of the steps I took towards recovery.

  1. I believed I would heal. (I believed my body had what it took to heal, I only needed to figure out what was that, hoping that it wasn’t too late. Faith in God and myself kicked in at full speed… and maybe my stubbornness too;)
  2. I focused on healing. (Persevered, argued with doctors, asked questions, researched, refused to accept other’s doubt, I put distance between me and fearful/toxic people, surrounded myself with positive music, preaching and meditative words such as Psalm 23, and I believed God was on my side.)
  3. I changed my diet. (I was already on a gluten-free diet, but, at my naturopath doctor’s advise eliminated all dairy products to reduce the high inflammation present already in my body, I eliminated sugar which suppresses the immune system and added lots of greens, organic, non-processed foods and drank (still do) a high amount of green tea (for its antioxidants properties), herbal tea, especially chamomile (also for its antioxidants properties, digestive and restful benefits and drank LOTS of water, for the obvious reasons of detoxification and hydration. No soda pop or natural juices just water (filtered) and tea (organic).
  4. I followed to the T all treatments prescribed, especially the supplements. The home page can give you a better idea of the high amount of supplements I took in order to built up my immune system, in addition, all the IV’s I’d endured, shots, pokes, tests meanwhile thinking “I’ll get you, disease! I’ll win not you.”
  5. I had all the mercury fillings removed. Too weak to have this process done right away I had to go first through two years of treatment to even get me strong enough to endure such a process, which began in March 2017 and ended in September/October of the same year, with IV treatments between each dental session to rebuild enough so I could withstand the next dental appointment, one of which lasted three hours and dislocated my jaw. But once all mercury was out the dramatic improvement in my health was unreal, literally within hours. The chelation beforehand and the detox afterward helped.
  6. I focused on being a mom, wife, and friend. If I could muster it, I cooked, cleaned my house, did laundry, visited friends etc, even if the entire time I felt horrible, I focused on what I had and not the other way around. I also learned to rest, say no, and feel no guilt over the fact that I needed rest.
  7. Forgive.  Chet helped and supported me in the most amazing of ways possible, financially and emotionally, along with Elizabeth, my brothers and sisters and many friends, but I had to forgive not only myself but the painful past. I had to set myself free through forgiveness, a new habit and like all new habits this one I must repeat a lot and often so it will stick.
  8. Re-learn. I’m still smacked in the middle of this one. What do I mean by re-learn? This is where the memory muscles have to remember that once I drove long distances, I used to work full-time, be part of society and among people without panicking, I used to be outgoing and love the presence of people, take vacations etc. I’ve overcome some and I must overcome others, like being in an airport and get on a plane, (still terrified of that one). One step at the time. But I’m thankful:) Hope this article will help any of you out in this world fighting your own Lyme disease or autoimmune battles. God Bless:)

Vacation

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Four years ago, in the middle of suffering and when my life was spent mostly in bed for months at the time in unimaginable pain, I kept my focus on a particular image; a sunny day in the future enjoying myself as a healthy woman in the middle of nature- God’s creation.  This day came to past a few months back, however, a week ago we enjoyed our first vacation since 2014, four years ago when I fell ill. I can not express the intense joy I felt during multiple moments throughout this vacation and the thanksgiving my heart expressed to God for having the opportunity to re-live such moments, even if at some point the body began to protest intense fatigue. All I did, was to take time and rest, then resume our activities.

Why am I writing this to you? Because you’ve read and seen the side of me through pain and now I want to share the other side, the side of health, the walk of health, the walk towards health. While in pain, I visualized daily the very moments I finally got to live this past week! In the past, although the body was full of death threats, no one could steal my dream hidden deep within. Never give up and if you feel fatigued in your body or in the spirit, take a few moments to rest, then go on keeping your focus on your own image of hope. For me, that image of hope was in the middle of nature, the very nature where my suffering came from through the tick bite but I was determined not to let this pain keep me a prisoner of fear.

If you are in the midst of suffering right now, what would your focus of hope look like?  Joy, peace, love, safety, new friends, health? These are the most important and in the end, these are the fruits of God’s love for us, the acceptance of our own being (the creation of God) and the love of our neighbor. Forgiveness is the way which leads to them, forgiveness and perseverance. (I know some of you will contradict this last part, as I too contradicted this part in the past, especially forgiveness. I found excuses, telling myself that I was not the one who needed to forgive, I was the hurt one and not the abuser, but I was blinded by my own anger and hurt. I forgive so I can heal. I’m also wise and not allow broken people to determine my destiny.)

I wish you a beautiful summer day, a beautiful holiday for those of you who are or will go on vacation and the grace of God may continue to be upon us as always.

God Bless:)

Prima Vacanta Dupa Patru Ani

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Acum patru ani, in perioada intensa a suferintei si o viata traita in pat luni de zile cu dureri de neimaginat, imi concentram gandurile la o zi insorita pe viitor unde voi putea iesi iara-si in natura bucurandu-ma ca omul sanatos de creatia lui Dumnezeu. Aceasta zi a venit cam de cateva luni, dar acum o saptamana, pentru prima data in patru ani familia noastra a avut parte de prima vacanta de cand am cazut la pat. Nu-mi pot exprima bucuria intensa care am simtit-o in orice clipa pe perioada vacantei si expresiile de multumire ridicate catre bunul Dumnezeu pentru asemenea momente. Desi la un moment dat corpul a inceput sa protesteze oboseala intensa, ceea ce ma facut ca sa ma odihnesc, am reluat activitatea mai apoi.

De ce va zic aceste lucruri? Pentru ca in durere, ceea ce am trait in mod real, era deja real in mintea si sufletul meu, si desi toate semnele trupesti erau pline numai de amenintari de moarte, nimeni si nimic nu ne poate fura visul din inima noastra. Nu va da-ti baruiti niciodata si daca simti-ti obosela in corp sau in spirit, lua-ti cateva momente de odihna, fiecare cum are nevoie, dar pe urma merge-ti mai departe, avand permanent in profilul viziunii imaginea sperantei. Pentru mine imaginea sperantei era in mijlocul naturii, aceeasi natura de unde a venit pericolul si suferinta prin muscatura de capuse. Asta nu insemana ca nu iau pas de precautie cand sunt in natura, asta nu inseamna ca arunc intelepciunea si sfaturile, dar nu las ca ceva care mi-a facut rau sa ma tina prizonierul fricii.

Daca poate esti in mijlocul suferintei acum, ce ai vrea pe viitor sa re-traiesti? Bucurie, pace, iubire, siguranta, prietenii noi, sanatate? Astea sunt cele mai importante si in final astea sunt roadele iubirii lui Dumnezeu fata de noi, a acceptarii propriei fiinte (creatura lui Dumnezeu) si a dragostei fata ce aproapele nostru. Iertarea e calea care duce la acestea, iertarea si perseverenta.

Va doresc o zi frumoasa de vara, o vacanta frumoasa pentru cei care sunt sau vor merge in vacante si har si pacea lui Dumnezeu sa continue sa se reverse peste noi ca si pana acum:)

 

Rugaciune

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Azi dimineata, in timpul petrecut cu Bunul Dumnezeu, am primit aceasta rugaciune atat pentru mine cat si pentru oricine o vrea:)

Mulțumesc, Dumnezeule, pentru abilitatea de a ierta și pentru darul iertării. Până de curând nu puteam ierta desi am încercat, nu știu de ce, dar presupun că a avut de-a face cu ura care a luat tot spațiul disponibil în inima mea, lăsând loc pentru nimic altceva, inclusiv iertare sau bucurie.

Iti mulțumesc Doamne, pentru că ai inmuiat ceara greu calcificată de ură față de ceilalți și de mine insumi și că ai făcut ca acea ceara să se prelingă afara din sufletul meu. Acum am loc pentru iertare, iubire și bucurie. Acum pot să iert atat pe alții cat și pe mine; va lua efort, va lua voința și alegerea mea, dar am puterea de a alege acum si sufletul meu nu mai e blocat în boala urii, nu mai munceste continuu și epuizat, fără progres inafara oboselii. Îți mulțumesc sincer pentru că mi-ai dat părinții pe care îi am, că locuiesc în această parte a lumii, pentru familia mea și trupul pe care îl am. Ce lucruri spectaculoase si extraordinare am învățat datorita acestor privilegii și ce privilegii am de a putea ajuta pe alți.

Iti mulțumesc, Doamne, pentru că m-ai trezit la potențialul meu, dezvăluindu-mi temerile mele, temerile care m-au capturat într-un costum întunecat si restrans de-a lungul acestor ani. Prin faptul că mi-am arătat aceste temeri și consecințele lor, ai deschis ochii sufletului meu la lucrurile pe care le-am pierdut și la oportunitățile care nu le voi avea dacă aleg să rămân în acest costum întunecat, numit frică.

Eu voi alege viața, dragostea și bucuria. Voi risca să mă deschid și să fiu vulnerabila pentru a câștiga aceste trei calități. Voi re-învăța și re-direcționa atat atenția mea cat si gândurile și comportamentul meu pentru a experimenta consecințele vieții, iubirii și bucuriei. În căutarea mea, voi eșua uneori, dar mă voi ridica și voi continua pentru că focalizarea mea sa schimbat. În cele din urmă, văd că am dreptul să experimentez viața, dragostea și bucuria, un drept pe care mi la-i dat tu cu mult timp în urmă, dar care a fost rapit de temerile altora doar pentru a fi recucerit recent.

Este un proces de re-învățare bazat pe adevărul aratat de tine: ceea ce au spus sau făcut alții impotriva mea cu intentia de a mă dobora este bazat pe propriile lor sentimente de nesiguranță și temeri nu pe caracterul constuit in mine de Tine, Doamne. Sunt pereții lor de restrangere, nu ai mei. Iti mulțumesc, Tată, pentru că mi-ai deschis atat ochii, cat și sufletul pentru a accepta acest lucru. Acceptarea este diferenta între succes și eșec. În trecut, am acceptat adevărurile false a altora și mi-a adus numai un deșert vast in suflet, acum voi accepta adevărul Tău de a alege viața, dragostea și bucuria. La urma urmei, aceasta este definiția echilibrului. Nu unul fără celălalt. Echilibru. Adevăr. De data aceasta aleg adevărul Tău și vom vedea unde se va sfârși.

Amin.

Deuteronomi 30: 15-20

Balance Prayer

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This is a prayer for myself and anyone else who wants it:)

I thank you, God, for the ability to forgive and the gift of forgiveness. Until recently I couldn’t forgive no matter how I went about it, not sure why, but I presume it had to do with the hate taking all the space available in my heart leaving no room for anything else, including forgiveness or joy.

Thank you for breaking that hard calcified wax of hate towards others and myself and melting it away from my soal. Now I have room for forgiveness, love, and joy. Now I can forgive myself and others; sure it’s still an effort, sure it’s still my will and choice but I have the power to choose now versus being stuck within my sick soul with no way out except a continuous and exhaustingly constant squirming and no progress other than fatigue. I earnestly thank you now for giving me the parents I have, for bringing me to this part of the world, for my family, and for giving me the body I have. What tremendous spectacular things I’ve learned because of these privileges and what great privileges I have to help others.

Thank you for waking me up to my potential by revealing to me my fears, fears that captured me in a self-restraining smuggled dark suit all these years. By showing me these fears and their consequences, you opened up the eyes of my soul to the things I’ve missed and the opportunities not taken if choosing to remain in that snuggled dark suit called fear.

I will choose life, love, and joy. I will risk opening up and be vulnerable in order to gain these three qualities. I will re-learn and re-direct my focus, thoughts, and behaviors in order to experience the consequences of life, love, and joy. In my quest, I will fail sometimes but I will get up and continue because my focus has shifted. I finally see that I have the right to experience life, love, and joy, a right you gave me a long time ago but was taken away by other’s fears only to be recently recaptured.

It’s a re-learning process based on the truth that what others said or did in order to keep me down was based on their own insecurities and fears, not mine. Their walls, not mine. I thank you, Father God, for opening not only my eyes but my soul as well to accept this, for acceptance is the bridge between success and failure. In the past, I’ve accepted false versions of someone’s truths and it brought nothing but a vast desert in my soul, now I will accept your truth to choose life, love, and joy. After all, that’s the definition of balance. Not one without the other, not one over the other. Balance. Truth. This time your truth and let’s see what that brings along and where will it end.

Amen.

 

 

Pastor Gordon Calmeyer

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Today Pastor Gordon Calmeyer passed away after a life well lived. I love his wife’s words, Stella, on Facebook, and I’ll add them here:

“Choose to make today count.

Even if we find ourselves in unpleasant places or going through tough or hard times, or even if we feel like we could give up because of trying circumstances, let’s use the power of choice which we all have at our disposal, and choose to benefit from bad times and allow them to cause spiritual growth and development. Let us wait for the Lord, staying strong and allowing our hearts to be filled with courage so that we will finish the race strong! (Psalm 27: 13-14) Have a blessed weekend everyone!”

Beautiful.

Chet and I met both Stella and Gordon during our volunteering times at CFC (Christian Faith Center Church) and right away we were taken (like everyone else) with Stella’s sweet personality, and pastor Gordon’t charismatic personality, warmth, and vulnerability. Their short time at CFC as pastors were full of richness and they walked away loving and being loved.

Both Chet and I will miss him because he touched our lives with love and authenticity. I ache because he died, but I’m grateful that I had the privilege to know both him and his wife, I’m richer because of that. His good humor and love for life will be missed. It only hurts because we loved, we’ll never regret loving.

I’m sorry to hear about the suicides of both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, condolences to their family and loved ones, it’s hard when departure from this life happens in such a state of despair and sadness. I’m truly sorry for that. If anyone reading this blog is suffering from depression, please reach out to someone and ask for help. You’re welcome to reach out to me anytime you want.

Thank you, God, for all people from all walks of life. Being human is beautiful and precious.

God Bless.IMG_1318

 

Life is good

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Life is good.

Last weekend Chet and I had an argument. Gasp. What? You guys fight and argue too? Yep, we sure do:) We’re both red-blooded people with strong opinions and the need to make our points shine brightly. Through our 25 years of marriage, (wow those years went by fast with a touch of slow) we’ve learned how to fight (I’m sure the 70-year-old me is laughing hard at such a bold statement, thinking “you fool”).

It began, like everything new and glorious usually does, with the usual super passionate arguments over the most nonsensical of stuff, made up by lots of fun spelled s-e-x. Since our marriage had a meeting of two cultures with a healthy dose of language barriers (meaning we could not talk to each other), our nonsensical stuff multiplied exponentially;) Now, if the older me could’ve beamed back in time and had a talk with the younger me, I’m sure the younger me would’ve beaten her up first then maybe paid partial attention to what she had to say. Don’t sweat the small stuff- fantastic advice! Yes, he thinks you’re beautiful, no your butt is not bigger than usual, you’re boobs are perfect and what are we fighting about?

Next phase is called “the exhaustive faze”. This phase arrives, oddly enough, with the presence of babies, and lasts way too long. Through this phase, you fight mostly by mumbling and eye rolling since you’re too exhausted to come up with smart alec remarks, not after you’ve been sleep deprived for millions of seconds, you can’t seem to walk in straight lines some days, you have vomit and dried food tattooed all over your clothes and haven’t worn a sexy dress in decades, partly because you no longer fit in one or you don’t see the point in wearing anything that would end up with sex, mostly because you’re too exhaused for such rigurous workout. Now is not the time to ask: How do I look, honey? He still loves you with the extra this, that, and the other, what will turn him away is your whining or showiung his disrespect. Find a good girlfriend and let it all out remembering that afterwords is her turn. Here’s when you would love the old you to come and give you advise, but she’s too bruised from the earlier phase and missing in action.

Next phase is the “teenage trial phase”, a phase you spend most days on the accused bench while all your faults are thrown in your face with the passion of a volcano that just erupted and does not show signs of slowing down. Here you spend many days praying the trial will end soon and no permanent damage was done in the process. This is a phase where you could very well lose your marbles, as you’re facing your accuser (in the case of multiple accusers, God help you! we’re praying for you), and you get so fatigued from all the explanations you’ve come up with, that you don’t have time to argue with your spouse and he/she either becomes your best friend (in our case) or your worst enemy.

The phase we’re now in, title-wise it’s still up for grabs, due to disease and a near-death-experience, there’s hardly any issues that come up worth enough to argue over. Life comes into prospective and priorities are re-aligned into a much healthier pattern, also there’s the partial short-term-memory-loss which helps:))))) Or the low energy level. Chet and I spend lots of time enjoying each other now, we choose both our friends and battles wisely and let life be lived in the moment. However, now and again tentions arise and even though our arguments are rare, not dramatic like before, more philosophical while trying to emprove our communciation sklills, they do end up teaching us something (because we let). Like the argument we had last week. I’ve learned that Chet’s expressed  frustration everytime he drives and encounters bad roads, construction and bad drivers, is not directed at me even if his words come across as so.

“Why is this road closed? Why is that car cutting us off? Why is he crossing the road on a red light?” My defensive attitude comes from waaaay back, from a time of childhood dramas and traumas when I was made to believe that everything bad in this world was my fault even if I had nothing to do with it. Once I realized the connection, and mourned for a few minutes all the years of stress I could’ve eliminated out of my life if this lesson came to me sooner, things were explained accordingly. Chet can express all his frustrations freely, only slightly redirected:

“That guy’s a bad driver!” Here’s where I come in and cheer him on “You’re right, he really is a bad driver.”

I’m not sure about the next phase since we’re not there yet but it will be better, because with every phase we’ve accumulated data and enough information to graduate with a doctorate degree. I’m sure most of you have graduated with excellent degrees and have lots of experience:) Have a great day today and remember when you argue next, the degree is coming:)

Gid Bless:)

 

 

 

Prayers for the Pelvic Area

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The pelvic area stores lots of emotions, here’s where we experience sexual intimacy, new life, here’s where elimination of no longer needed elements in the body happens, the process of filtration and hormonal activity.

Father God, I ask for complete pelvic healing in my body and everyone else suffering from pelvic related illnesses, diseases, and emotional traumatic trapped memories. I pray full relief in the hearts of raped or sexually molested people, hormonal imbalance issues, inflammation, ovarian issues, bowel problems, genital damages, colon and kidney issues, urinary bladder issue, uterus health let us learn how to filter out of our souls and bodies damaging pain, let our body re-adjust to the proper health as we let go of what once was, but no longer is. Let us see the past hurts no longer delegating our present functionality. For those who lost certain body parts (ovaries, uterus, genitals, colon, rectum, kidneys) we pray that any grieving they’re going through over the missing parts is heard by you and that healing takes over and a new outlook is built.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

God Bless:)

Prayer for Lower Back Pain

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The lower back is the gate between the lower part of the body and the upper part, it’s where stability lies. Do you feel instability in your life? Do you have a hard time grounding your feet in your situation? Do you feel the troubles bend your shoulders heavily adding pain to the lower back?

Father God, may the lower back pain in us be restored to the original design, may we look up to you and see how in fact you wipe the pain off our brows and with a smile larger than life are asking us to give you our burdens so we could regain our balance between the lower part of us and the higher part which is you. The imbalance we may have felt at one point, be fixed. All pain, inflammation, bone and the synovial fluid between the spinal vertebrae issue be restored fully. God paint back the strength of a complete person so we can stand tall and unashamed before man and you, God, as well. Whatever shame have bent us midway be undone, and true healing of the soul may bring us back into the upright position. May the weight most men feel due to the responsibilities of their family be transformed into the joy of the privilege loved ones bring. The men in our lives are so very important and let them feel it daily. God, you’re the belt that keeps us upright and strengthens our shoulders in the weary times and for that, we’re so very grateful, so very grateful. Thank you for the balance our mid-section brings to our body, and our soul. Thank you for healing, today and every day all lower back pain, disease and uneasiness until we’ve done all the good in this world that we could and are ready to come home to you:)

Thank you for loving us:) And thank you for our healed lower backs:)

Tomorrow I’ll be praying for anyone with pelvic pain:)

God Bless:)

 

Prayer for anyone battling an Autoimmune Disease

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Father God, there may be more days lately of pain, sorrow and tears than joy and victory for some, but in the midst of such shadows, I thank you for our lives, for family, for friends, for this breath of life, even if quivering. You are on our side in the midsts of all this, and for that we’re thankful. We are not alone, you may feel alone, but you are not alone. Touch and shrivel cancer, MS, Lyme Disease, Chronic Fybromialgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, back pain, pelvic pain, Heart Disease, tumors, mental issues, bone problems, cardio problems, breathing problems, lymphatic problems, depression, neuro problems, muscular problems, broken heart, discouragement, trauma, abuse, and all other issues and illnesses not mentioned here, we wrap them in one bouquet of shattered pasts, and we let the light of God invade our bodies, minds, and souls with the  hope and joy, health in the body and mind, and our relationships restored between each other and God. Amen.

 

P.S. Tomorrow I’ll be praying specifically for lower back problems, please leave me your name only so I can bring you up in my prayers. Join me in prayer because where two or more are joined in the name of Jesus, he’ll be amongst us:)

God Bless:)