This post is dedicated to one amazing young lady, you know who you are:)
The pain within is masked by how well we look on the outside. If only the world knew how much suffering is enveloped within each cell, each joint, each muscle and each neurological signal hidden in the matrix of our bodies. If only our friends knew how much we hoped to be part of what once was, if only the world would understand how loud they really are and how much that seems to bother us, suddenly. At one point we were part of the busy, loud and aggressive world but now we hide in suffering beds, feeling every surface of our tissues and wondering “what’s going on?” We’re silent about our suffering because, at times, we feel like we’re losing our minds, something truly terrifying. We can no longer comprehend what we’re reading and when you want to talk to us, we stare with a smile on our face trying to grasp the words that no longer make sense in our mind. Our bones hurt, our identity and value hurt alongside as well.
We used to be normal. God, what happened?
These are the inner cries of those suffering from any autoimmune issues, such as Lyme disease, Chronic Lyme with multiple co-infections, Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome, ME, Lupus, and many more. These are some of the unspoken words and emotions, fears and concerns lingering within.
But, on the other side of these emotions and fears (at one point in the past I felt them all and then some), stand those of us whom, with God’s help, are slowly coming out of such a dark road. We’re here to let you know that you’re not alone, not even close to it and THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS AWFUL TUNNEL. I’m starting to re-live my life, even better than before because I know now how valuable life truly is, how important people are but ultimately how important I also am. You are just as important:) I have boundaries, I keep toxicity at bay, I smile to the things I used to ignore and I ignore the things I should’ve deemed unimportant a long time ago.
Cheer on dear one, this too shall pass, and one day you’ll be back among your friends, most likely some new ones, and you’ll build new memories and you’ll laugh again full of life and most impotantly- full of health.
Thank you, God, for each day and God Bless:)
To the ride ahead and not behind I say “hello” with a smile on my face:)
I began this web/blog site with the intent to keep a track on my medical info, since my short-term memory was seriously injured- still is to a certain degree, which can be a fantastic blessing when I get frustrated over small things, because I soon forget them and I’m left without a reason to stay mad:). Another reason was to encourage, if possible, anyone out there in the same situation as mine.
I had a great job and relationships before the illness, my life was on a high peak of happiness and contentment and I worked hard to get there. That changed literally overnight. But something that took me by surprise was the loneliness that trickled in along with the illness, like two best friends, inseparable and intent on causing trouble. I was cast aside, no longer a productive and effective member of the society. I call it “the silent depression” and I now understand how horribly it afflicts the ill, especially the chronically ill, and the senior citizens. With Lyme, as with other toxic and neurological illnesses, the mental clarity and health deteriorates and one’s personality changes. I used to feed off the energy of multitudes of people and found solitude boring and useless. Not now.
So I sat down this morning having my breakfast of tea and a gluten-free/vegan carrot/banana bread (not my usual breakfast, but I baked last night:) thinking of all the other ill people out there in the world and the loneliness they may be experiencing. What can I say to be of encouragement? What encouragement can I receive for myself?
For those who believe in God remember that He used the most imperfect people, men and women, to do great things through. It’s never too late, you’re never too weak, to ill or too fragile to be a strong force for those around you. I am like Issac who was a dreamer, but God ended up doing great things through. What about you?
Rom. 12:15; 1 Pet. 4:10; Ex. 14:14-The Lord shall fight for you, and you shall hold your peace:) These are some verses to encourage you:)
Meditate on good things (health and a cure and remember not everything has been discovered. I strongly believe there is a cure for Lyme, Chronic Lyme, Neuro Lyme etc, even if it has not been discovered yet, but above that I believe that our body has the ability to heal from anything if given the proper balance of nutrients and extracting all toxicity out of it).
Help others. (That means even if you can only pray for them, or smile at them, or give one word of encouragement, it gives you a temporary break away from your troubles).
Make a plan for what you want to do when feeling better and start planning towards that. Here you’ll have to be realistic and change some of the past goals and plans.
The internet is a source to reach out, through support groups, but be careful not to get stuck in the negative cycle of complaining only. Some days you’ll need to unload, and you should do so keeping in mind that your audience is hurt too, but than don’t forget to smile and laugh. (Watch comedies).
The best cure for loneliness is health and being part of the society once again, until then fight like hell to get there, and I promise you once you make it to the other side a wiser person will emerge on the other side.
I’m reading this book now, and I love it. It’s a look into the human body/autoimmune/cell function with a biblical insight as well. For those who don’t have a passion for the medical field, this may be a bit boring, but it’s not hard to understand. Well written and an easy read.
Today Pastor Gordon Calmeyer passed away after a life well lived. I love his wife’s words, Stella, on Facebook, and I’ll add them here:
“Choose to make today count.
Even if we find ourselves in unpleasant places or going through tough or hard times, or even if we feel like we could give up because of trying circumstances, let’s use the power of choice which we all have at our disposal, and choose to benefit from bad times and allow them to cause spiritual growth and development. Let us wait for the Lord, staying strong and allowing our hearts to be filled with courage so that we will finish the race strong! (Psalm 27: 13-14) Have a blessed weekend everyone!”
Chet and I met both Stella and Gordon during our volunteering times at CFC (Christian Faith Center Church) and right away we were taken (like everyone else) with Stella’s sweet personality, and pastor Gordon’t charismatic personality, warmth, and vulnerability. Their short time at CFC as pastors were full of richness and they walked away loving and being loved.
Both Chet and I will miss him because he touched our lives with love and authenticity. I ache because he died, but I’m grateful that I had the privilege to know both him and his wife, I’m richer because of that. His good humor and love for life will be missed. It only hurts because we loved, we’ll never regret loving.
I’m sorry to hear about the suicides of both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, condolences to their family and loved ones, it’s hard when departure from this life happens in such a state of despair and sadness. I’m truly sorry for that. If anyone reading this blog is suffering from depression, please reach out to someone and ask for help. You’re welcome to reach out to me anytime you want.
Thank you, God, for all people from all walks of life. Being human is beautiful and precious.
Father God, there may be more days lately of pain, sorrow and tears than joy and victory for some, but in the midst of such shadows, I thank you for our lives, for family, for friends, for this breath of life, even if quivering. You are on our side in the midsts of all this, and for that we’re thankful. We are not alone, you may feel alone, but you are not alone. Touch and shrivel cancer, MS, Lyme Disease, Chronic Fybromialgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, back pain, pelvic pain, Heart Disease, tumors, mental issues, bone problems, cardio problems, breathing problems, lymphatic problems, depression, neuro problems, muscular problems, broken heart, discouragement, trauma, abuse, and all other issues and illnesses not mentioned here, we wrap them in one bouquet of shattered pasts, and we let the light of God invade our bodies, minds, and souls with the hope and joy, health in the body and mind, and our relationships restored between each other and God. Amen.
P.S. Tomorrow I’ll be praying specifically for lower back problems, please leave me your name only so I can bring you up in my prayers. Join me in prayer because where two or more are joined in the name of Jesus, he’ll be amongst us:)
Have you ever had a gut feeling that you ignored and later on ended up regretting your decision? I’ve experienced that many times.
Emotions affect our gut feeling and our gut feeling affects our emotions. More precisely our bacterial health in the guts and neurologic signaling to the brain are affected by our emotional status controlled by fear, anger, stress, happiness, joy, etc. It either sends too many signals overloading and/or fatiguing the brain and body or sends miss-signals such as bad memories which are no longer happening but did so at one point in time, creating a perpetual state of alarm in the entire body and mind, such as the case in PTSD.
I’ve come to the conclusion, and I may be repeating myself here, that unforgiveness over past hurts, people and the decision of holding on to past painful emotions results in a weakened immune system, sometimes to a collapsing point. The good news, however, lays in body regeneration: every minute million if not billions of our cells die and new ones are born, but here’s the trick to keep in mind: cell memory. Cells have memories and will take the memory of the dying cell and continue the work until they too die and the new ones take over and so on. Do you see the pattern? In order to really heal, you have to retrain a new cell, build a new memory so to speak to the level of health you want those new cells to be. How? Start by imagining yourself healthy, or how you functioned when you were healthy and hold on to that. Talk to your body! I know, I used to find this step ridiculous until I realized that I was already talking to my body and have been for years telling it things like I don’t like my hair type, eye color, or fat content, breast size, butt size or stomach bulge. So reverse that speech. That being said, keep in mind to be realistic and okay with the body type you have, esthetic wise and focus on inner cellular health, for proper healing. After all, God gave each and every one of us our unique characteristics and we’re not meant to be a mass manufactured doll duplicates looking all like a blue-eyed, blond hair, big boobs, and butt girl do. I have girlfriends of all skin pigmentations, shape, size and age and I’ve learned good things from all of them. When I look at them I see the character before the body, yet the body and character unite to make the person precisely who they are. When I feel insecure I must remind myself that’s my own inner self-problem, a problem based on something I was at one time told with the intent to either hurt me, deflate from another’s pain, or share/spread one’s misery. A happy person simply can’t spread misery.
Another way to heal is by breathing. Just breath, and breath deeply. I realized only in my late 20s, at the suggestion of a naturopathic doctor, that I responded to any and all stressful circumstances by holding my breath. That’s how I coped back in my childhood while witnessing innumerable moments of trauma. We all have our own coping mechanisms, what’s yours?
These are more suggestions, I’m sure, but I’ll stop here, processing the few ideas I’ve put down in this blog is enough for now. Some illnesses are so far gone down a diseased road that complete healing may not be available yet. I do believe our bodies have the ability to heal in its entirety from all and any type of illness and disease, but I also believe we’re not there yet, knowledge-wise or belief-wise. Do all you can to heal yourself and envision such healing. I will not lie to you, it’s not easy when you’re not used to thinking that way but it’s possible.
My latest treatment:
NeuroCalm (Designs by Health brand, found on Amazon for around $54, and works fantastic for calming my nervous system),
CranActin (by Solaray, found on Amazon for $13.30/120 pill count, and it works fantastic for any urinary tract health, prevention or treatment),
MegaFlora for Women (by MegaFood, a probiotic supplement that supports Vaginal and Urinary Tract Health, Amazon for $43),
Quercetin (by Vital Nutrients, Amazon for $29, this is for respiratory and sinus, histamine support) + Bromelain (I take Bromelain and Quercetin together, By Jarrow Formulas, a pineapple enzyme that helps with inflammation reduction, Amazon $20),
Fungal Defend Tincture (By the Herbalist, Amazon $18, self-explanatory) Herbal-Biotic Tincture (The Herbalist, Amazon $18, promotes quick immune response),
Magnezium Malate (By Source Naturals, Amazon $15, supports muscle and energy production) and finally
Pro-Gest cream (By Emerita, natural progesterone due to pre-menopause lower levels of progesterone, Amazon $25, add a pearl size drop on the skin at night).
Most, if not all of these supplements are gluten-free, vegan, Non-GMO excellent brands products. Gluten-free, dairy-free, no processed foods or refined sugar diet.
For those who have time and interest, this is a great medical video. Speaker is Gabor Mate, a doctor, on “How emotions affect our cognitive functioning”.
Why some of us get really sick despite a good healthy diet & exercise? Why so many autoimmune illnesses in our world today, especially in a western economy?
While what I’m about to write is a partial response to the previous questions, it’s important none-the-less.
Chronic Inflammation is a killer. As most of us have realized by now, hopefully, the western medical system is set in place to manage diseases not induce health. Inflammation is combated by our immune system, but an overburdened weak immune system which 60% of its volume and 80% of its work is done in the gut, will fail to do so.
“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” -Hippocrates- is not a wack job or hippy expressions as some may think. The modernized mentality of western medicine and society is either intentionally (greed and power, like Monsanto for example), or through ignorance (we can all fall into this category) killing us. I believe in this regard the older generations can teach us so many great things. Farming (non-GMO, non-toxic), gardening and a healthy relationship with each other and this earth of ours is a far better approach to life than isolation ignited by the computerized devices we’ve become addicted to.
I’m a faith believer (I don’t call myself a Christian) and I do believe in Science, but I don’t believe Science alone is the answer to anything or everything but rather a healthy relationship between these two and human relationships. Same goes for the health of the body. As soon as communication between cells ceases to exist cancer cells form. It’s the isolation which produces cancer since the cell no longer receives information, does not know what its suppose to do and begins losing self-identity. “A cancer cell is the most damaged cell in the body because it is not been able to mobilize repair processes and it’s gotten so isolated that it forgot its part of you.”- Zach Bush M.D. This is one quote from the youtube interview I shared with you at the top of this blog entry. The whole interview is almost two hours long and worth listening to multiple times.
In the midsts of my illness fight, about two years ago, one day as I waited in the car while Chet did our grocery shopping, I watched as an obese young lady shouting angrily at her family ate a hamburger from McDonald’s. From the words coming out of her mouth, the self-entitled attitude she was ill of was extremely evident. I sat there in silence, fighting to breath, white as a ghost thinking: Please be happy. Realize how good life is. Why so angry? Why so miserable? Then a slideshow of flashing images began running in my visual sight and as I watched, surprised while wondering if this was a symptom requiring medical attention, God was trying to help me understand a depth of our life I’ve never considered before. The vivid images showed me a whole process of life, connection, pain, consequences and depth; it began with life at a cellular level than to grass, trees, flowers, animals until it focused on a pig, to the cruel conditions of the pig’s life, it’s pain and fears, the hatered of the workers raising the pig attaching to the pig on a cellular level, to his cruel slaughter, to the cold manner and toxic methods of it’s meat being processed, to the stressed out meat packers working in different stages of emotional battles of their own lives, to the transportation of the meat, and the ignorant and often impatient workers at McDonalds where the meat (by now proccessed multiple times in unatural manners) ended up and to the woman I was now watching eating it. “Think of all the energy, dark or light, good or bad, that entered that hamburger and bacon. She’s not only eating all those people’s anger, hatred, despair etc, who came in contact with the meat but the pig’s pain and fear, the polluted rain it fell on him while caged, and the toxic food he was fed. Every living thing is connected to each other in ways no one imagines, you are more energy than matter, and can you see how it’s all connected?”
I haven’t talked to anyone, except Chet, about this experience due to my own skepticism on such a subject usually heard from the new age community, but in the past ten years, I have been shown some things, similar to this experience that made me ponder on certain things and do lots of research. My strict and very conservative religious background made me shy away from such thinking, but, in my opinion, God was trying to show me something bigger than religion and old set beliefs. Over the years and with a great deal of personal studying I’m coming to the realization that God is immensely bigger than any religious upbringing and my once fearful questions: “What if the world is not the way I was taught to believe? What if God is bigger than my parents belief? Should I dare consider such a thought?” The answer is -yes. Every generation has great things to teach but we should never stop searching and ask questions.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that cancer is not only a disease of the body but of the society as well. Lack of relationships and social intereaction through isolation is cancerous.
We can change that. Let’s take care of each other and this earth, both people, and the earth were given to us as a gift from God to take care of not abuse it.
I’ve expressed in my last post of my desire to write more. Don’t you know by now that most New Year Resolutions are simply a “to do” list for the first week of January:)))))
I have been writing more, in fact, two hours a day on my new fiction adventure novel called “Finding Home”, but enough about that.
New Year brings out the “health nut” portion of ourselves, usually for a couple of weeks for most and a bit longer for others (unless your “health nut” person is out all the time having fun running, in that case, this may only be one of those easy reads for you). The “health nut” usually tends to go right back into hibernation for the better part of the year. It may have a few breaks now and again. It will come out in full and temporary feverish mood, usually before summer for that amazing bikini look, or before a wedding when you want to look better than the bride herself.
I began my yoga exercise again, after a nice break of six months. Breaks are necessary too, especially when one fights an autoimmune disease. In fact, I must be going through something this very moment because I’m misspelling every single word as if my brain would rather sleep instead of think.
The yoga program I followed for more than ten years now is a Canadian based program called “Namaste” Yoga Practice by Kate Potter. It used to be a television program, maybe still is, but its the only exercise routine I stuck with all these years. I’m not a believer in the spiritual side of the yoga practice, I simply like its smooth moves and relaxing way of moving the body. I tried all sorts of other programs before this one, programs more rigorous, and found them downright annoying.
Anyone fighting Chronic Lyme, Cancer, MS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia to name only a few of the autoimmune diseases, does not have the energy most days to take a shower, or go up and down their own home’s stairs, let alone exercise. In most of these cases, any and all energy present in the body, it is wisely distributed towards activities such as doctor appointments, dinners, laundry, lunches for the kids and maybe sex with your spouse. However, when these diseases are in remission the fun begins. I remember celebrating the walk to my own mailbox, which progressed to being in the car when my husband drove to do the grocery shopping, to taking five, ten then twenty-minutes long walks, to playing tennis and now to driving small distances. Oh, the joy of stabbing one’s toe and crying happy tears because you actually felt that pain, where once used to be a tingling numbing spot.
Well now I’m stronger and I can do the complete 20-minute yoga program. I love the stretching part (although if you decide to start yoga don’t overstretch: it’s like the medication, you take a big dose and a Herx reaction is sure to follow, so build up to it slowly:), I love the smooth movements and the calming music (neuro damage is very often present in people who fight Lyme disease and overstimulating the senses is often very unpleasant, to say the least).
For all out there who are fighting these nasty diseases and live in pain why too much, if you can, yoga is a pleasant possibility of exercise. Mostly, I wish you the best of health so you can choose for yourself what type of exercise you want to do- no matter how strenuous.
Have a blessed new year full of hope and laughter, both are great medicine for the soul.
To the people that are healthy, I honestly say: Thank God for that! To be healthy is a colossal blessing. For the people who are fighting chronic immune system diseases such as Lyme Disease, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, MS and the list goes on, you’ll relate to what I’m going to write next.
Any one with diseases mentioned above, including cancer and on chemo, exercise and disease mixes like oil and water. Exercise is very important, more so during these stages, however the body is under such tremendous attack, that it can’t handle exercise any longer. Not when all your energy is spent fighting off what ever is attacking you and even a fast shower -never mind shaving, that’s only a luxury at this point- is depleting whatever reserves you may have.
I remember that stage. I was told, by healthy doctors, to take 10 minutes walks everyday because my lymphatic system got stuck. As much as I understood the absolute need to move the lymphatic system- which delivers nourishment and removes toxins from the circulatory system- I had to give this answer, many times;
“I’d love to. You have no idea how much I’d love to walk for 1 minute let alone 10 minutes, but just coming and seeing you is taking such a tool on my body, I’ll be in bed around the clock for a whole week to recover from this.”
During such low moments, I would advise, take deep slow breaths while you’re in bed, miserable, wondering if you’ll see tomorrow. Deep breaths helps the lymph nodes in your gut area- quite large lymph nodes- and will help push things along.
Now, I’m the type of personality that pushes. As I gained any amount of strength I would try to take walks. I remember celebrating when I made it to the end of my driveway and back. It took weeks to build up that strengths and lots of medicine, but I never gave up. I kept on thinking -and arguing at times with my body- we’ll either make it or we’ll die trying. I also began thanking my body for every success- no matter how small. I realized I’ve been very unforgiving towards my body, pushing it and pushing it until it finally collapsed. Now I’m grateful towards myself and I cheer my heart, lungs, liver etc with every success just like I do with my children’s successes. I had to cease my long time hateful relationship with myself.
Start with deep breaths, but envision the one minute walks, then the two minutes walks followed by 10 min, and one day walking all day long without any consequences other than the usual exhaust from the usual effort.
I’m doing so much better, and in good days I’ve been able to play tennis for up to 10 minutes -even if I have to recover for a whole week afterwards every time – and I keep on pushing because I love life. It’s a gift from God and I’m grateful for the chance to live another day.