emotional health

Balance Prayer

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

This is a prayer for myself and anyone else who wants it:)

I thank you, God, for the ability to forgive and the gift of forgiveness. Until recently I couldn’t forgive no matter how I went about it, not sure why, but I presume it had to do with the hate taking all the space available in my heart leaving no room for anything else, including forgiveness or joy.

Thank you for breaking that hard calcified wax of hate towards others and myself and melting it away from my soal. Now I have room for forgiveness, love, and joy. Now I can forgive myself and others; sure it’s still an effort, sure it’s still my will and choice but I have the power to choose now versus being stuck within my sick soul with no way out except a continuous and exhaustingly constant squirming and no progress other than fatigue. I earnestly thank you now for giving me the parents I have, for bringing me to this part of the world, for my family, and for giving me the body I have. What tremendous spectacular things I’ve learned because of these privileges and what great privileges I have to help others.

Thank you for waking me up to my potential by revealing to me my fears, fears that captured me in a self-restraining smuggled dark suit all these years. By showing me these fears and their consequences, you opened up the eyes of my soul to the things I’ve missed and the opportunities not taken if choosing to remain in that snuggled dark suit called fear.

I will choose life, love, and joy. I will risk opening up and be vulnerable in order to gain these three qualities. I will re-learn and re-direct my focus, thoughts, and behaviors in order to experience the consequences of life, love, and joy. In my quest, I will fail sometimes but I will get up and continue because my focus has shifted. I finally see that I have the right to experience life, love, and joy, a right you gave me a long time ago but was taken away by other’s fears only to be recently recaptured.

It’s a re-learning process based on the truth that what others said or did in order to keep me down was based on their own insecurities and fears, not mine. Their walls, not mine. I thank you, Father God, for opening not only my eyes but my soul as well to accept this, for acceptance is the bridge between success and failure. In the past, I’ve accepted false versions of someone’s truths and it brought nothing but a vast desert in my soul, now I will accept your truth to choose life, love, and joy. After all, that’s the definition of balance. Not one without the other, not one over the other. Balance. Truth. This time your truth and let’s see what that brings along and where will it end.

Amen.

 

 

Cancer society

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Why some of us get really sick despite a good healthy diet & exercise? Why so many autoimmune illnesses in our world today, especially in a western economy?

While what I’m about to write is a partial response to the previous questions, it’s important none-the-less.

Chronic Inflammation is a killer. As most of us have realized by now, hopefully, the western medical system is set in place to manage diseases not induce health. Inflammation is combated by our immune system, but an overburdened weak immune system which 60% of its volume and 80% of its work is done in the gut, will fail to do so.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” -Hippocrates- is not a wack job or hippy expressions as some may think. The modernized mentality of western medicine and society is either intentionally (greed and power, like Monsanto for example), or through ignorance (we can all fall into this category) killing us. I believe in this regard the older generations can teach us so many great things. Farming (non-GMO, non-toxic), gardening and a healthy relationship with each other and this earth of ours is a far better approach to life than isolation ignited by the computerized devices we’ve become addicted to.

I’m a faith believer (I don’t call myself a Christian) and I do believe in Science, but I don’t believe Science alone is the answer to anything or everything but rather a healthy relationship between these two and human relationships. Same goes for the health of the body. As soon as communication between cells ceases to exist cancer cells form. It’s the isolation which produces cancer since the cell no longer receives information, does not know what its suppose to do and begins losing self-identity. “A cancer cell is the most damaged cell in the body because it is not been able to mobilize repair processes and it’s gotten so isolated that it forgot its part of you.”- Zach Bush M.D. This is one quote from the youtube interview I shared with you at the top of this blog entry. The whole interview is almost two hours long and worth listening to multiple times.

In the midsts of my illness fight, about two years ago, one day as I waited in the car while Chet did our grocery shopping, I watched as an obese young lady shouting angrily at her family ate a hamburger from McDonald’s. From the words coming out of her mouth, the self-entitled attitude she was ill of was extremely evident. I sat there in silence, fighting to breath, white as a ghost thinking: Please be happy. Realize how good life is. Why so angry? Why so miserable? Then a slideshow of flashing images began running in my visual sight and as I watched, surprised while wondering if this was a symptom requiring medical attention, God was trying to help me understand a depth of our life I’ve never considered before. The vivid images showed me a whole process of life, connection, pain, consequences and depth; it began with life at a cellular level than to grass, trees, flowers, animals until it focused on a pig, to the cruel conditions of the pig’s life, it’s pain and fears, the hatered of the workers raising the pig attaching to the pig on a cellular level, to his cruel slaughter, to the cold manner and toxic methods of it’s meat being processed, to the stressed out meat packers working in different stages of emotional battles of their own lives, to the transportation of the meat, and the ignorant and often impatient workers at McDonalds where the meat (by now proccessed multiple times in unatural manners) ended up and to the woman I was now watching eating it. “Think of all the energy, dark or light, good or bad, that entered that hamburger and bacon. She’s not only eating all those people’s anger, hatred, despair etc, who came in contact with the meat but the pig’s pain and fear, the polluted rain it fell on him while caged, and the toxic food he was fed. Every living thing is connected to each other in ways no one imagines, you are more energy than matter, and can you see how it’s all connected?”

I haven’t talked to anyone, except Chet, about this experience due to my own skepticism on such a subject usually heard from the new age community, but in the past ten years, I have been shown some things, similar to this experience that made me ponder on certain things and do lots of research.  My strict and very conservative religious background made me shy away from such thinking, but, in my opinion, God was trying to show me something bigger than religion and old set beliefs. Over the years and with a great deal of personal studying I’m coming to the realization that God is immensely bigger than any religious upbringing and my once fearful questions: “What if the world is not the way I was taught to believe? What if God is bigger than my parents belief? Should I dare consider such a thought?” The answer is -yes. Every generation has great things to teach but we should never stop searching and ask questions.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that cancer is not only a disease of the body but of the society as well. Lack of relationships and social intereaction through isolation is cancerous.

We can change that. Let’s take care of each other and this earth, both people, and the earth were given to us as a gift from God to take care of not abuse it.

God Bless.

It has begun- Alin the Musician-

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

IMG_4601IMG_4409IMG_4597IMG_4600

First picture- article in Hunedoara newspaper done on Alin:)

Second picture; Alin and his twin nieces, Oana’s girls:)

Alin around seven years old:)

Alin in one of his stage costume:)

Every year around this time I began to mourn for Fanu, my little ten year old brother who died a while back. His B-day is in December, but fall brings a whiff of Fanu’s memory with it and my heart cries from such precious loss. To divert my sorrows, I think of my other siblings.

I’ll start with Alin:)

ALIN-the Opera Singer

Second in command, he’s a boss in his own way:) A self made man and a brilliant engineer, his work in Germany is appreciated by many. But its his stage performances that define him for who he is. His love for music was know since early ages of his life. He performs on stage all over the world:) Beethoven is his favorite composer. Alin is a ball of mysteries and he loves it that way:) A natural born intellectual it’s a pleasure having a conversation with him on many subjects, but its his direct and honest opinions that puts a smile on my face every time we talk. He has a diplomatic way of telling you the truth about yourself, without the presents of butt kissing, living you hardly confused of his opinion. He’s a sensitive soul and the loss of Fanu (Alin and Fanu had a special connection the rest of us knew about), his heart fractured quite deeply. One day all will be healed.

Alin, makes me laugh in a way no other human being on this entire planet can do and I know Meleah has a special compartment in her heart reserved for uncle Alin. It is a common feeling many share about him.

His love of travel is well know as he often takes advantage of a nice vacation to go visit a new place on this beautiful planet.

Alin and I spent a summer in the hills of Moldova, at our great grandma, where out of boredom we got often in trouble. Come to think of it, it was my sense of adventure that got us in trouble often followed by his threats. One day, we forgot to close the gate and all great grandma’s chickens ran into the corn field. Panicked,  we recruited the help of her neighbor and the town’s well known drunk, but we couldn’t afford to be picky. The poor man, did a fantastic job mumbling instructions to us and after a highly stressful hour or so, we managed to bring back all the chickens. After words, as great grandma came back from the forest carrying a bundle of wood sticks for the evening dinner along side an apron full of freshly picked mushrooms (not my favorite) we acted as everything was well with the world. I’m not sure if the neighbor ever ratted us out, but I’ve never heard a reprimand from my grandma.

Yes, we were quite the pair and Sergiu joined our gang soon after.

Back home I was the cook and Alin was the baker. Boy was he a great baker. He could whip a chec (like a sweet loaf of bread) in no time, but “ciocolata de casa” (homemade chocolate), was and still is his favorite desert. He also loved a piece of bread with tons of butter, and when I say tons I mean tons, and honey. He pretty much lived on that.

I miss Alin every day, but I’m really glad he’s doing so well and one day I’ll get to see him again:)

P.S Alin speaks Romanian, English and German, he also speaks Alin language:)

Next is Sergiu:)

When in pain, one writes

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Yes, I’m in quite a lot of pain today, but don’t fuss, it will pass and life moves on. I figured since today it will be spent mostly in bed, I may as well write.

Long before I knew what a Solar Plexus was, I felt it. Every time my father yelled, I felt it. Every time my father hit one of us, I felt it. With every cry of pain, I felt it. With every criticism, I felt it.

Solar plexus aka Celiac Plexus aka Abdominal Brain – is a complex of ganglia (or network of nerves) and radiating nerves of the sympathetic system (fight and flight response) at the pit of the stomach.-Wikipedia

Heal this and you’ll heal adrenal problems, stomach problems, gall bladder problems, diaphragm problems, spleen problems and much more. (Chakras.info; solework.wordpress.com)

It took forty-two years for me to understand why every-time I was around other people I “saw” certain things about them – information that came in different forms such as: colors/lights, a string of clear yet seemingly unrelated images about that particular person’s life or that strong sense of danger/unease/happiness/relaxation one gets around certain individuals – affecting me one way or another, depending on what I “saw” or perceived. I also learned something else: Anytime I felt a perceived danger I would hold my breath. I was not aware I did that until one naturopathic doctor pointed it out. It was my way of coping with trauma or stressful circumstances. It began early in my childhood while witnessing a lot of my father’s abuse towards my siblings and my self. I held my breath. This happens when trauma or excessive stress is present in the early stages of childhood. It changes the structure of one’s DNA and neurological responses. Most people call such a result as “highly sensitive people”. Some are just born that way and no trauma was present, others develop this sensitivity forced by traumatic environments. In reality we’re all sensitive to pollutants/toxicity and stress. The difference is that some can shoulder these burdens better that’s others and it’s directly linked to a strong immune system versus not.

“That’s New Age talk, Carmen.” Some would say, after reading these lines. I was raised in a very strict conservative Christian environment (not all aspects of Christianity beliefs are wrong, but anything presented in a strict and extreme way is usually unhealthy) made to belief anything remotely related to New Age is evil. So I kept quiet about the things I “saw”/perceived knowing full well I would be accused of demon possession. I believe a lot of New Age theology comes from Biblical information but the movement added other things to it.

For forty- years, no stranger could get close to me without me feeling uncomfortable. Hugs to this day are hard for me and any conversation is done from a safe distance. If anyone violates that “safe zone” between us my flight or fight response super activates – although I lived only in a fight or flight response for years.  This has been medically proven by the tests I’ve had these past four years. My body could no longer relax. I’ve forgotten how.

Like a can of worms this perception exploded and jumped past few stages of teaching in massage school. I noticed certain things and had to ask my teachers for an explanation. Upon hearing the things I saw, my teachers simply responded with a genuine smile on their faces: “Carmen, you’ve got a gift.” I do? I thought to myself.

Example: I gave a massage to one of my teachers- which was not nerve-racking at all:)))- and I saw a shadow over her right hip and left knee. I knew instantly those areas were hurt. Without thinking I asked:

“What happen to your right hip and left knee?” She popped her head off the pillow in shock, only to realize she never told me anything about her personal life.

“How do you know about that?”

“I can see it.”

“What exactly do you see?”

“Dark gray shadows with a glow of pale yellow over these areas. I also see…” But she interrupted me, maybe because she didn’t want to find out a student can reveal more personal stuff about her.

“I had a bad car accident about ten years ago and those areas never healed properly.”

“Okay.”

Example: Had a lady on the massage table and I saw intense loss and grief all over her body. She was a good person, burdened by the disease of loss and sickness- a sickening yellow/olive color. I gently told her “all will be alright.” As we began talking I found out she lost someone very dear and just overcame cancer. She was also a bit frightened by all the things I could see so I stopped talking. In the end, she tolled me: “You have a gift.” She left and I never saw her again. I believe I may have frightened her for which I’m truly sorry.

The Solar Plexus is a sensitive spot but a powerful center of information. I’m not sure what made me the way that I am, but I was born with this. I’ve seen many things, most of them horribly dark stuff. Trauma, may have triggered something -this is a theory of mine- or I was born with a gift from God. Either way, I still have a lot to learn and I get things wrong as well.

One thing I’ve learned to do, is not let this gifting hinder my personal relationships, especially my relationship with Chet. Trust me, it took many years to learn how to and I’m still not an expert. But if I meet you and you’re going through something, and I will be allowed to see that, instead of allowing my heart to be broken by your hurt days in a row, I’ll be praying for you earnestly than let God and yourself do the healing in your own way and timing. I’ve learned I can’t be God and don’t want to. But I will be your friend.

I’ve tried to give you a small overview of the solar plexus but there’s so much more to it. For those interested, the internet is full of information on the subject. I hope this helped some of you and did not at least was an interesting read.

God Bless:)

 

 

God is much nicer than you think

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

“The most important decision we will make, is wether we believe this universe is friendly or hostile.”-Albert Einstein.

Let me ask you another question first: If there was no hell, would you still believe in God?

The answer should tell you something.

I began believing in God because I knew nothing else, as a child of Christian parents. I got hurt by Christian people, I got loved by Christian people, I hated the church because of Christian people- and for a period of time I believed it was because of God, thus I blamed God, and I got healed because of all kinds of people, Christians including. I should’ve been more mature and chosen to forgive for the sake of my own health, a long time ago. I didn’t. I paid for that with my own health- or absence of health- for few years. I’ve learned many truths and I’m great full. No, God did not allow this horrible disease in my life so I’ll learn a good lesson. What lesson would that be? I don’t believe that way. It’s like saying: “I’m going to allow my child to be very sick to the point of dying, so he’ll hopefully learn what’s good for him.” Only an angry parent would do and think like that. A loving parent would sit by the child’s bed, bringing comfort and soothing away the pain. That’s what the Holy Ghost did when I was very sick. He didn’t beat me down. He sat by my bed and brought me comfort and I could feel his pain seeing one of his child so very ill.

You see, what we think affects us on a DNA level, and we must pay attention and recognize our responsibilities. Fear, anger and hate will kill you. Stress will kill you. There are studies done by Dr. Maseru Emoto (YouTube) where he found that water particles in the presence of both positive and negative environments, then frozen, looked quite different. Same with his rice experiments: the rice over which he spoke love words was fine, the one he spoke hateful words was dying (mold) and the ignored rice never thrived. I’m sure some of you heard about these experiments before, yet, we seem to ignore such results, mostly because of unbelief. Our body is 60% water and our DNA changes based of how we speak to ourselves and what kind of environment we expose our bodies to. Believe me, we’re the ones that make ourselves sick more than anything else in this world, even genes.

There was an interesting case, were a family with cancer history- lived under that fearful fact- adopted a child who also got cancer soon after, despite the different genes. Why? Environment.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”- Proverbs 23:7

Why is it that so many christians pray or profess faith in certain areas of their lives -or over other people- including health, but never see victory? Lack of belief. You or I may utter the Bible verse but see nothing improve. Why? Because we’re missing the emotion (you know that emotion you feel when you really believe something) or we feel the wrong emotions such as frustration, desperation, fear. Belief is exercised, just like any other muscle, so start where you are and build up. And never, ever give up.

When I laid in bed, very sick, besides a round-the-clock comfort, God showed me that by me refusing to forgive I damaged my DNA and my immune system, creating an acidic environment (of fear and bitterness) and a perfect play ground for disease.

When you fell in love, we’re you happy? Did the world looked better? The same world that maybe you hated right before you fell in love. Did you feel better? Did you have more energy? Why?

Our thoughts and words matter and the way we perceive our universe, God including, matters to how your body is going to respond.

Speak kindness and love towards you and others, because God is love and He’s already in you. He’s the light in your DNA and your blood, cleansing away all sickness. Just envision that.

God Bless:)

 

The White Canvas

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

About seven years ago, while in front of my sink doing the mundane chore of washing dishes, I heard God. He chose that setting intentionally, to counteract the curse this mundane chore took upon itself.

“No matter how good you are you’ll aways end up in front of pots and pans, so don’t bother trying anything else.” These were the words of my mother, spoken in a moment of personal weakness and pain. But I took it as scripture and hated this mundane task ever since. It mocked my potential, reminding me I was nothing more than a dishwasher.

God chose this setting intentionally to speak to me for a season, raising in me a desire to wash dishes.

“You must forgive, Carmen.” Easy said. The people who brought pain in my life are not worthy of my forgiveness, I thought.

“You must forgive. You must leave the past behind.” What is the past? A day? A month? A year?

“Every second that moves from present to past is your past.” A shiver ran down my spine. I began understanding something new, something powerful, but I needed assurance more than I needed a further explanation. I believe when we need further explanation, in fact, we simply need further assurance in the form of a repetitive pattern of hearing something good. Bad, we seem to accept right away, many times without investigating the source and their intention. Like all wounded human being I needed that assurance.

“Every second you live is your present, every second past that is your past.” The repetition was necessary and welcomed. I pondered amazed. This is too good to be true, I thought.

“Carmen, with every present second the canvas of your life starts white. You decide the pattern and colors of your life. You no longer have to drag the mucky colors of your past into the new canvas. Leave it behind. I made it possible for you. You can start new every second of your life. How do you want your canvas of life to look now?” Tears ran down my face as I slowly absorbed the unbelievably great news. I had the freedom provided by Jesus to start new every second. I didn’t need to bring the ugly of the past, which was weighing me down so much, into my new canvas. I had billions of chances and billions of white canvasses to paint my life the way I wanted it to be and not the way others tried to manipulate me into painting it. I was free to choose. Free of past, free of pain, free of guilt, free of fear, free of bitterness, free of insecurity and the list kept going. How do I want my new canvas to look like now? So many possibilities! All so very wonderful! A new beginning with every breath of my life.

How about you? How do you want your canvas to look like? You have a new start with every breath of your life:) Think of the fantastic possilities. No more hold backs, no more past to drag you down. Just paint! Use the beautiful colors and smile while you decide the look of your canvas:)))))

God Bless:)

 

This is my confession

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

The amount of pain I’ve dragged myself through lately is becoming unbearable. I gasp for air, it hurts that much. The violent nausea is borderline to fainting episodes. I must confess… I’m so very tired. I hurt all over as I drown an intense amount of medicine (natural supplements) down my throat. I look for God in the midst of my pain. I find him silent this time. I also find myself angry and so very tired of prolonged suffering. Heat is not my friend, but neither is cold. I act brave, but inside I feel the shadow of death. This is my confession.

 

Tennis match

/ Carmen McKnight / 4 Comments

Today, for the first time in…let’s not even try to go there but finish the sentence with, many years, I played tennis. Our family went to a very nice tennis court only minutes away from where we live, formed teams and began to play. Mind you, we skipped the stretching part or any of the warming up, because that’s for sissies:) In our own eyes, we played like champions and within minutes felt the weight of the gold metals around our necks, enjoying the imaginary cheers coming from the imaginary audience near by too flabbergasted by such an incredible performance.

I pulled a muscle, but what’s a champion without its injuries? We came, we fought, we conquered.

At home, I pulled out of the freezer a bag of vegetables and happily attached it to my upper thigh where the muscles screamed like a toddler who skipped its nap. But I had a smile on my face. This injury made sense to me. I’ve earned this injury fair and square and was very proud of it. I hurt because I lived. Not some stupid bug biting me and nearly killing me then turning me into a walking zombie for years. Noooo, my friends, this was the kind of injury you get because you live, and you have fun living. And I plan to do it again:) My muscle sores have sores, that’s how I feel now, but I smile and keep on tapping this keyboard because I played a match of tennis with my family and we had a fantastic time doing it.

I hope you get a chance to enjoy life in your own way and keep cool this week because real summer has finally arrived in Pacific Northwest.

God bless:)