faith

Seizure

/ Carmen McKnight / 2 Comments

 

 

I hope you get a chance to relax and enjoy this little video I shot and put together for you. Meditate on the things that matter to you, as I also do.

You see last week I had a nasty seizure which threw me back on my progress chart a few degrees, both physically and emotionally. It’s not easy to climb over thoughts such as “not again”, “will I ever”, “I just want to be” etc but giving up its not an option for me since I have too much to lose and would hurt too many people that I love. So I must go on. But getting back up, and moving forward while hurting, having half of my body not functioning as it should and wondering how long will it take until I fully recover is not as easy as you may think. I wish I could be poetic about all this but pain and struggle bring more misery than poetry (unless its some sort of emotional heartbreak and then you should see my muse dance and come up with all sorts of rimes and wisdom:) But for now I try not to fall on my face as I experience dizziness, I try not to walk into walls as my balance seems to be taking a vacation, and I try to smile through the pain all my limbs seemed to join in. I am weak and strong, frail and tough, happy and sad.

What caused such a relapse? Accumulation of stress (I like to collect:) Nasty flue which left a frail immune system exposed, taking up nursing duties as my family laid ill in their beds, work, and the happy visit of my cuz. But the body can’t recognize happy stress from bad stress, just files all that info in the “STRESS” file of my life while smiling knowing what’s to come. But I drove downtown! Took my cuz and my daughter to the Seattle Space Needle and other places and I’m sure inside my head there was a small voice protesting to all the exitement…which I clearly ignored. Did I learn my lesson? Depends on which side of the lesson you are. I would say, yes, then explain. I’ve learned that I have the strength to drive downtown (even if for a day every few months:) I’ve learned that my body is getting strong and able to handle more fun, I learned that relapses do happen and not to focus on them, I learned I’m fun again! Even if in a small increment at the time:) Did I learn my lesson? You be the judge, but I no matter what you decide I smile the whole way because I DROVE DOWNTOWN SEATTLE AND HAD FUN WITH MY CUZ AND DAUGHTER ON TOP OF THE SPACE NEEDLE, and that to me is priceless and worth every muscle twitch and pain;) I would do it all over again the same way, no regrets. Now go have a good time living life in whichever increments of strength you can muster, and when herxing (for my Lyme warriors or all with any autoimmune troubles:) smile because you got to the herxing reaction by living life and in the end you had a say, a choice, not the stupid illness that’s trying to kill us:)

God Bless:)

Good morning:)

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

 

I shot and put this little video together yesterday for everyone to enjoy. Take a few deep breaths, for life, lives in the depth of a good, long and deep inhale/exhale. Meditate on life and don’t fear death who’s always hovering nearby, waiting.

When we take the time to notice life all around us, it’s impossible not to smile. Some of you may disagree with such a statement usually because you may have a tendency to focus on the shadows and not the sparks of life, shadows manifested in fear of what may happen, or what others will do or say, etc. I’m intimately familiar with such shadows, I too experienced them far too frequently in the past, but recently they have diminished in intensity quite a bit. The sparks of life are found in the morning sunshine or a drop of rain, the love shared in a hug, the knowledge that we’re not alone (even if we all need moments of solitude), the fact that God is personal (some of you disagree with this one and that’s fine, no worries), etc.

Such life sparks I had recently experienced in a parent moment (those with teenagers or those of you who had teenagers will know what I’m talking about) a few weeks back, the type of moment when at 2 am you stand by the door, arms crossed, waiting for your child to step through while going in your mind through all the disciplinary methods applicable for the situation in hand. Then a broad smile (which quickly I had to make it vanish as soon as the child made its presence) washed over my face as I thought:

“Carmen, like many parents before you and long after you’re gone you’re in the midsts of a fantastic moment, a moment that one day will become a memory, make it a good one. Because you’re still alive you get to care, love and discipline (teach) your child even in these types of moments. Walking through that door in a few seconds will be the human being you’ll leave behind once you’re gone who’ll make a good impact in this world. This temporary and momentary failure on his/her behalf does not determine the man/woman this child of mine will become. I get to experience fatigue and frustration because I care because I love because I’m a mother and I will never regret that.”

Taking a deep breath in with the smile still plastered all over my face and in my heart, I lived the moment at its full potential. I didn’t use to feel the same way before I nearly died. I took such moments and made them about me. But I wonder how many times God, in His love, had his arm folded, waiting by the door for us, loving us more because we were a product of BOTH failures and successes, neither diminishing our value and potential. We were loved because we were His/Hers. (God to me has a very feminine presence, unlike the traditional Christian teachings).

When my child walked in I showed that I cared, not that I was disappointed in who they were, I reinforced the house rules and tolled the child why (school the next morning, dangerous souls lurking in the night, soals that already made their own choices to hurt others, but ultimately the discipline came because we (Chet and I) loved the child). The child apologized because it saw love and the rest of the night I slept well knowing my child was safe in bed but mostly the child knew he/she was loved. And ultimately that’s what matters most of all in this world- the sparks of life-love.

God Bless you today:)

Rugaciune

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

Doamne azi iti multumesc ca m-am trezit si pot respira aerul, pot vedea soarele pe cer, pot merge la baie si imi pot simti fiecare parte a corpului.

Doamne iti multumesc ca desi stiu ce inseamna durerea, azi am pauza, si pot incuraja pe altul.

Doamne iti multumesc ca ma pot duce la munca azi, ca pot retine informatiile din jurul meu, ca pot comunica fara episoade de epilepsie.

Dar cel mai adanc sentiment fata de tine e faptul ca ma iubesti, ca existi, si ca esti cu mine chiar daca nu te vad in anumite zile, nu te simt in altele si am indoile de multe ori. Te iubesc pentru cine esti nu pentru ce poti face pentru mine. Cu tine in viata mea nu ma simt singura, si nu ma intereseaza daca altii cred ca-s bolnava mintal pentru ca am o asa credinta.

Doamne continua sa ajuti pe toti copii tai, printre ei sunt si prietenii si familia mea:)

Amin

Loneliness during illness

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

I began this web/blog site with the intent to keep a track on my medical info, since my short-term memory was seriously injured- still is to a certain degree, which can be a fantastic blessing when I get frustrated over small things, because I soon forget them and I’m left without a reason to stay mad:). Another reason was to encourage, if possible, anyone out there in the same situation as mine.

I had a great job and relationships before the illness, my life was on a high peak of happiness and contentment and I worked hard to get there. That changed literally overnight. But something that took me by surprise was the loneliness that trickled in along with the illness, like two best friends, inseparable and intent on causing trouble. I was cast aside, no longer a productive and effective member of the society. I call it “the silent depression” and I now understand how horribly it afflicts the ill, especially the chronically ill, and the senior citizens. With Lyme, as with other toxic and neurological illnesses, the mental clarity and health deteriorates and one’s personality changes. I used to feed off the energy of multitudes of people and found solitude boring and useless. Not now.

So I sat down this morning having my breakfast of tea and a gluten-free/vegan carrot/banana bread (not my usual breakfast, but I baked last night:) thinking of all the other ill people out there in the world and the loneliness they may be experiencing. What can I say to be of encouragement? What encouragement can I receive for myself?

For those who believe in God remember that He used the most imperfect people, men and women, to do great things through. It’s never too late, you’re never too weak, to ill or too fragile to be a strong force for those around you. I am like Issac who was a dreamer, but God ended up doing great things through. What about you?

Rom. 12:15; 1 Pet. 4:10; Ex. 14:14-The Lord shall fight for you, and you shall hold your peace:) These are some verses to encourage you:)

For everyone:

Forgive.

Meditate on good things (health and a cure and remember not everything has been discovered. I strongly believe there is a cure for Lyme, Chronic Lyme, Neuro Lyme etc, even if it has not been discovered yet, but above that I believe that our body has the ability to heal from anything if given the proper balance of nutrients and extracting all toxicity out of it).

Help others. (That means even if you can only pray for them, or smile at them, or give one word of encouragement, it gives you a temporary break away from your troubles).

Make a plan for what you want to do when feeling better and start planning towards that. Here you’ll have to be realistic and change some of the past goals and plans.

The internet is a source to reach out, through support groups, but be careful not to get stuck in the negative cycle of complaining only. Some days you’ll need to unload, and you should do so keeping in mind that your audience is hurt too, but than don’t forget to smile and laugh. (Watch comedies).

The best cure for loneliness is health and being part of the society once again, until then fight like hell to get there, and I promise you once you make it to the other side a wiser person will emerge on the other side.

I’m reading this book now, and I love it. It’s a look into the human body/autoimmune/cell function with a biblical insight as well. For those who don’t have a passion for the medical field, this may be a bit boring, but it’s not hard to understand. Well written and an easy read.

http://www.scriptum.ro/librarie/mai-presus-de-stiinta.html

For those who want the book in Romanian.

God Bless:)

Osana

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

In ultimul timp mi-a fost tare dor de Dumnezeu. Gura mi-a fost inchisa, probabil pentru ca inima imi trece prin anumite schimbari si desi schimbarile sunt pozitive in final sunt noi, si tot cei nou ia un timp de rumegare. Impovarata de anumite detalii a vietii de zi cu zi, am uitat sa vorbesc cu el zilnic, cum am obiceiul, dar inima a continuat sa tanjeasca dupa momentele petrecute impreauna in mod regular.

Toti trecem prin momente similare, cand gura noastra parca nu poate exprima ceea ce am simtit asa de clar si puternic odata in trecut. Toti trecem prin momente in care parca ne impedicam de toate amanuntele vietii, si ne auto-frustram sau auto-invinovatim. Devenim tacuti trecand cu o anumita sovaire prin noul process al cresterii, icercand sa invatam tot mai multe.

Am invatat, ca durerea nu e sfarsitul sperantei. Am invatat ca nu-mi dau indeajuns acreditate, am invatat ca totu-i trecator, totul inafara de dragoste. Frica e foarte trecatoare si numai dragostea o poate invinge. Am invata ca am tendinta de a conversa direct si fara multe detalii. (Scurt si cumprinzator cum e zicala). Am invatat ca-s mult mai puternica decat mi-am dat seama in trecut. Am invatat ca-mi iubesc fratii si surorile extrem de adanc, desi poate exprim treaba asta in forma saraca. Am invatat ca Chet si copii sunt in centrul inimii mele dar Dumnezeu stapaneste peste toate. Am invatat ca a ierta este nou pentru mine si ca atare am de luptat sa patrez o inima iertatoare mult mai puternic decat mi-am dat seama. Am invatat ca Romanii stiu cum sa incurajeze un om cazut, mult mai superior decat isi dau ei seama. Am invatat sa accept faptul ca Dumnezeu ma chemat sa fiu vulnerabila in fata voastra, simultan un proces necesar insanatosirii unui suflet ranit. Am invatat ce-i suferinta dar simultan am invatat cat de adanc iubirea parcurge in aceste momente de suferinta, daca le lasi sa parcurga. Am invatat ca impreauna putem invinge orice. Am invatat ca toti avem o poveste de zis. Am invatat ca e un privilegiu sa va am in viata mea, privilegiu de care sunt foarte adanc miscata si multumitoare.

Am invatat sa zic: Doamne iti multumesc de toate! si sa simt aceste cuvinte pe deplin.

Voi prin ce trece-ti in ultimul timp?

Va doresc o zi plina de pace in toate colturile inimii si puterea de a invinge orice obstacol prezent in mijlocul vostru.

O zi binecuvantata va doresc la toti:)

Life shall have a say:)

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

It’s hot. A gay couple in the apartment building next to ours is arguing loudly, unhappy, dropping the f-word every other second and I’m here writing to you.

I got a phone call yesterday, finally, with my CT results: 7mm kidney stone in my right side, 4 cm cysts on each ovary, and a UTI infection. In comparison to what I’ve been through this is not bad, only temporarily through the attack episodes which can get really bad quick, fast and in a hurry:) There will be follow-up appointments to address both issues next month.

But, prayer warriors and well-wishers, I need your prayers again for one of my sister-in-law, Brigitte. Her mom, feeling ill the past few weeks finally went in to see a doctor only to discover she has liver cancer that spread to the lymph nodes. Today she had a heart attack and a stroke. She was put on an induced coma and is on the operating table now: there’s obstruction in one of the veins in her brain causing damage. We’re still waiting for updates. I have peace because I trust God but I’m thankful for the modern medicine and brilliant sergeants, the options we have today and high technology.

My mom is stable and happy, so is my dad. They seem to enjoy each other’s presence during their retirement, as it should be.

Have a blessed day today an don’t forget to take deep breaths, then smile:)

Durerea sufletului, boala corpului, suferinta spiritului

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

1 Tesaloniceni 5:23 (NTLR)

23 Însuşi Dumnezeul păcii să vă sfinţească în toate şi să vă păstreze întreaga fiinţă – duhul, sufletul şi trupul vostru – fără pată la venirea Domnului nostru Isus Cristos.

Traditional si religios, trupul a fost dat la o parte, gasit fara mare importanta in cercurile religioase urmat indeaproape de suflet, la fel gasit fara prea mare importanta. Numai spiritul omului a fost pus pe un pedestol ca singurul focus important in credinta. E ca si cum am spune, Isus nu e important, nici Duhul Sfant, numai Dumnezeu. In noi exista trei dimensiuni, trei atmosfere, trei lumi intr-una singura. Daca nu intelegem importanta acestor treimi care exista in noi, ne va fi foarte greu sa intelegem treimea dumnezeiasca. Fiecare latura are o importanta egala (nu mai mare sau mai mica) si toate trei au nevoie de o existenta harmonioasa pentru o relatie sanatoasa cu noi, intre noi, si cu Dumenzeu. Dar nu-i usor in a mentine harmonia intre cele trei: trup, suflet si spirit, asa-i? Parca aud deja remarci pline de furie, mai ales din partea extremista a unor crestini, dar pot spune cu convingere ca daca trupul si sufletul nu erau asa de importante nu erau atatea versete in Biblie dand sfaturi cum sa le ingrijim, respectam, hrani, imbraca, cultiva, pastra sanatoase.

Treimea dumnezeiasca exita in noi, pentru ca suntem facu-ti dupa chipul si asemarea Lui (treimii dumnezeiesti).

Daca trupul nu se simte bine, sufletul si spiritul sufera. Daca sufletul e bolnav, trupul si spiritul sufera, daca spiritul e bolnav trupul si sufletul sufera.

Am observat, atat la mine cat si la altii, ca trupeste poti fi sanatos si peste noapte in primejdie de moarte, desii poate doctorii nu pot gasi nimic grav in corp, producand confuzie. Bolile autoimmune, in schimb nu se vad pe masinariile medicale, sunt atata de sinistre si periculoase ca poti muri dintr-o muscatura a unei insecte extrem de mici. Dar bolile autoimmune, am observat, au un lucrul in comun- suflet bolnav care dealungul anilor a tot scurs otrava in corp fara sa ne dam seama manifestat intr-un system imun slabit.

Romani 12:2 a fost tocit in mintile noastre cu o latura spirituala dar, din punctul meu de vedere, incompleta. Nu ai cum sa-ti reinoiesti gandirea, daca esti invatat ca-ci gandurile noastre nu sunt importante, partial importante sau importante numai cand are de a face cu o latura religioasa. Asta inseamna ca unicatul nostrul, RNA, calitatile noastre etc, la care Dumenzeu cu drag a lucrat sa ne formeze nu-s asa de importante ca de exemplu a stii scriptura de la cap la coada si invers.

Sufletul meu a fost bolnav ani de zile, scurgand continu ortrava in corp, in forma de furie si neiertare. Te rog nu fa aceeasi greseala. Sanatatea corpulu si a sufletului sunt in mod egal extem de importante, ca si partea spirituala:)  Incepe a ierta, incepand cu tine si bucura-te de momentele mici binecuvantate din viata:)

Va doresc o zi binecuvantata la toti:)

 

Carte Noua!

/ Carmen McKnight / 2 Comments

 

frame-coperta

O marturisire personala, acum pe piata privata Romaneasca:))))

Detaliile sunt afisate pe pagina Book/Carte:) Pute-ti lasa mesaj privat pe Facebook sau telefon la sora mea Delia la +40 760 562 282 pentru a da comanda, cu numele, adresa si cantitatea de copii:) Imi pute-ti lasa si mie mesaj privat pe Facebook cu aceelasi detalii.

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Rascumparata Prin Iubire-Carte

Transportul inclus in pret. În 1989 după căderea communismului în România, nu numai țara se găsește în mijlocul multor schimbări dar și Carmen, o adolescentă hărțuită de încercări, printre care și un missionar American. Va reuși ea să înfrunte atât durerea trecutului cât și frica prezentă în fața alegerii unei vieți noi? Acest roman este bazat în totalitate pe experiențele personale a autorului și va trasporta cititorii în adâncul luptelor ei emoționale ca copil și în cele din urmă ca femeie, soție, soră și copil a lui Dumenezeu. Acest roman este primul într-o serie, bazat pe viețile fraților și a surorilor Damean din Hunedoara. 372 de pagini. In pret este inclus si transportul.

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Rascumparata Prin Iubire- Carte

Transportul inclus in pret. În 1989 după căderea communismului în România, nu numai țara se găsește în mijlocul multor schimbări dar și Carmen, o adolescentă hărțuită de încercări, printre care și un missionar American. Va reuși ea să înfrunte atât durerea trecutului cât și frica prezentă în fața alegerii unei vieți noi? Acest roman este bazat în totalitate pe experiențele personale a autorului și va trasporta cititorii în adâncul luptelor ei emoționale ca copil și în cele din urmă ca femeie, soție, soră și copil a lui Dumenezeu. Acest roman este primul într-o serie, bazat pe viețile fraților și a surorilor Damean din Hunedoara. 372 de pagini.

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Multumesc anticipat 🙂

În 1989 după căderea communismului în România, nu numai țara se găsește în mijlocul multor schimbări dar și Carmen, o adolescentă hărțuită de încercări, printre care și un missionar American. Va reuși ea să înfrunte atât durerea trecutului cât și frica prezentă în fața alegerii unei vieți noi? Acest roman este bazat în totalitate pe experiențele personale a autorului și va trasporta cititorii în adâncul luptelor ei emoționale ca copil și în cele din urmă ca femeie, soție, soră și copil a lui Dumenezeu. Acest roman este primul într-o serie, bazat pe viețile fraților și a surorilor Damean din Hunedoara. 372 de pagini.

The Battle Within

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

For my sister Delia:)

Within all of us lay a hidden battle, some having to do with uncertainty, or pain, or unanswered questions so on and so forth. Lately, my inner battle has been whether I should keep on writing in this blog, exposing my fears and victories, or not. But talking to my sister Delia gave me my answer.

We all have gifts. Mine happens to be the gift of writing. We all have moments in our lives in which we doubt whether our gifts are real or not, or simply they’re a personal delusion on which we feed when bored or overexcited. I’ve been fearful to write the past month or so, questioning many things, such as the need for yet another story in this world, but what if that story is exactly what someone else needs now in order to push through today’s pain and uncertainty?

Last week I’ve visited the doctors again, making sure they don’t miss my absence:) Kidding. The back/pelvic pain and fever became unbearable.

 

As you can tell, things could be better. I suspect a kidney related infection. I’ve had a few procedures done and no communication, as yet, from the urology specialists. I’ve been given a prescription for an unrelated matter and good luck chump. The prescription causes cancer and I feel ignored. I’m sharing this because of my frustration in the western medical system who was eager to get me to do few expensive tests but not bothered to give a diagnosis or treatment for something that it’s obviously an issue. I’m sure some of you have been through something similar, felt frustrated and let down, yet again, by the medical system who does not seem interested in curing anyone. But I will not give up, not yet anyway. There’s life to be lived and things to be done:)

So, if you have a talent but you feel reluctant to pursue because you may feel “what’s the point?” especially when others seem only interested into milking and ignoring you, do it anyway for the simple reason that you can. Others dream to have your gifting, but you have it so go use it and help someone. No grand gestures necessary, no big words required, just your willingness. Start small and move forward.

 

P.S. Morning the death of a nice uncle, who died today from cancer. Uncle Relu was a hardworking, nice man.

God Bless:)

Finally:))))))

/ Carmen McKnight / Leave a comment

I hate Mercy Me’s song “I can only imagine”, oh my gosh I can’t stand that song!!!! I may be stepping on some toes here but I’m sure that every single one of you has at least one song which you hate passionately, even if that song is from a Christian genre. Mine is “I can only imagine”, it scrapes my brains with static noise and makes me want to scream in pain.

Christian genre has a tendency to put a sad twist to most songs (even if they have an encouraging message) unless you’re Toby Mac or Mandisa;) Which begs the questions: Are all the Christians in this world miserable? Christians don’t love to dance and have a good time celebrating life? I know that’s not true, but if you were to judge the christian faith by the songs alone you would think that God is the saddest aspect of life, void of fun, a sense of humor and good taste.

There is a time to grieve, a time to encourage, a time to be a shoulder for someone to cry on and there’s a time to simply celebrate!!!!!! To jump up and dance because life is good, not perfect and definitely not void of challenges, but good none-the-less. So here’s a song I can finally get up and dance and thank God for my life, despite the fact that I have an infection that’s scrambling my brain in a galactic amount of pain. However when I listen to these types of songs I smile, I laugh and I keep on telling myself: It’s just pain, Carmen, not the end of the world, just pain.

Hope you enjoy this particular song as much as I am and have a great time dancing through or despite the challenges in your life because life is good:)

God Bless:)