Some of the fears and hurts I wanted to overcome this year.

–To not allow this sickness to define me as a sick person. I did not call it my sickness, my Lyme Disease, My NeuroLyme or My Coinfections. I did small things that took great effort but did it anyway.

–To not allow this sickness to limit my potential as a human being. I no longer could do massage or any strenuous activities for longer periods of time (some days 20 min. was too long) so I did them slower, fragmented them, I accepted help and I redirected my focus towards writing and editing the Romanian version of a book I wrote.

–To not allow this sickness to trap me into a victim mentality individual. This one is a hard one. The mind has a tendency to re-wire and build a new normal where we end up accepting some pain that signals danger as part of health. I fight with this one regularly but I constantly readjust myself. As a result, we; sold out house in June, rid ourselves of 80% of material stuff, moved into a 900 square feet apartment in Queen Anne Seattle moved again in October to an apartment with more windows and natural light and loved every minute of it. We have less stuff, more time with each other and a lifestyle we used to dream about. We did it. Our girl is in college, our little boy in a good school and school club our eldest son works at Amazon. I distanced myself from toxic people so I can heal. We did all these things while I was still on treatment, IV’s included.

So don’t give up, at whatever level you are today, but readjust and keep on fighting:)

Have a great day and with God on our side, all things are possible.

Liam Neeson said in one interview;

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”

I wish you have a new year full of love and void of loneliness, rejection, envy, pity, hate and sadness.

Yesterday was a hard day for my family, yet, simultaneously was a day of family strength. Only in unity, we can withstand the hardships of this life. Surround yourself with each other’s love and you’ll be fine:)

He would’ve been 24 years old today. He was only eleven years old when he died of some mysterious cancer. We really miss you, little brother:) Happy B-day again to you!

Christmas has come and gone, and we had a fantastic time. Having all our children together again was the highlight of it all:)

I’m so very glad to have you all in my life:)

Ma bucur mult de voi toti, familie si prieteni, vechini prezenti si fosti vecini:) Va dorim un Craciun Fericit la toti!

December 24

It’s almost here! Christmas is almost here!!!!!! Thank God I get to see another Christmas and celebrate more time with my loved ones. Have a great Christmas Eve! Here’s a Christmas song, performed by few of my brothers and sister-in-laws, niece and friends from Germany:)

Performers; Tibi, Sergiu, Nico, Michelle, Brigitte, Christmas Tree, Money, Christmas decorations and few friends of Sergiu’s. Thanks to Brigitte for the staging decoration:) All rights reserved:)

Tic, Toc, the time moves on, moving us closer to the end of the year, to presents and family reunions, to joys and sadness and for me, like some of you, to a dreaded date. You see in only five days what once was alive is no longer with us. My little brother. This time of year is hard for my mom, for Alin and then for the rest of us brothers and sisters. This time of year we bleed while smiling, we mourn while in the midsts of parties and friends, this time of year we grieve. Fanu is no longer with us, he’s no longer among us yet he is still part of us. Always. This time of year…

I try to be strong and I try not to bleed, but I bleed non-the-less. I usually don’t talk about it with anyone but Chet. This year, I’m talking to you only because to me right now you look like a white piece of paper, safe and non-judgmental. But some of you may read this and think I’m trying to get some attention. I’m not. I can mourn him, like all these past years, in the privacy of my heart, but then I remember that you too, some at least, are mourning as well, are bleeding privately. And that’s the only reason I’m sharing now because you are bleeding as well. Silently.

At least God is with us. He too lost someone dear. He too bled. Silently.

And so I grieve, and cry and mourn, for I can’t forget my little brother, the brave little man that he was fighting until his very last breath. He loved cars and soccer balls and he loved candy and playing outside in the courtyard. He loved. And that’s why we miss him because love leaves traces everywhere it goes. And he sure left a huge trace on our hearts and if you’re reading this Fanu: We really miss you and love you forever.

Your big sis.

I imagine being the therapies and trying to keep on a serious face:)

Not everyone has the privilege to enjoy a Christmas tree in their house during Christmas time and that was true for our family back in Romania while growing up. It was mostly lack of money masked under some religious excuse, but we knew it, understood it and… did something about it. Well, my brother Sergiu did something about it, we just brought our lists of requests to him knowing that he’ll take care of the rest, no questions asked. For those of you that don’t know yet, we were a large family of twelve children growing in luxurious poverty back in Romania, mostly due to our Christian status.

So you see, for us kids, in lieu of what the religious authorities believed, it was very important to have a Christmas Tree. It brought a spark of magic and joy and we needed every spark possible. So Sergiu, as usual, got to work and we would end up with a Christmas Tree or a large branch, or a crooked tree or a small ghostly looking tree, most likely the one nobody else wanted, but we didn’t care. We had our tree, and we loved it as if it were our best friend, decorating it the best we could. To this day a Christmas Tree is very important to me. It reminds me that magic and joy are still available. The lights on the tree and all those sparkly decorations bring out the kid in me that wants to jump up and down, clapping happily and laughing as if pain and disappointment no longer exist. I’m grateful that my brother Sergiu did not let past life circumstances interfere with our goals and came through every time:)

So enjoy that Christmas Tree, if you have one. If you don’t I hope you enjoyed this story:)

December 20 

In 1999 during Christmas time, Chet and I visited Romania and during Christmas Eve we joined our old friends, Ica, among them and went caroling. While walking in the cold night from apartment building to apartment building, laughing and having a good time a car full of teenage boys with undeveloped brain functions, stopped in front of us throwing at us lit up mini fireworks that would’ve caused minimal damage but it would’ve been just very unpleasant. Out of reflex, we tried to jump out of the way, only to see the fireworks bounce off the closed window and back inside their car creating panic among them. Embarrassed they drove away with a bruised ego while our group laughed until our bellies hurt.

Here’s one of the carols we sang that night:)

In iarna din 1999 am vizitat familia in Romania si de ajunul Craciunului ne-am alaturat unui grup de prieteni, Ica, printre ei, si am mers cu colinda. Pe strada, in drumul nostru catre o noua familie un grup de baieti adolescenti  au oprit masina in fata noastra si au aruncat petarde catre noi, dar au uitat sa deschida geamul. Ce a urmat a fost de mare haz si pina la urma au plecat rusinati. Colinda de sus a fost una din cele cintate.