So the honeymoon is over, now what?

You got married, the honeymoon passed and the child or children arrived. As a wife you start to feel less beautiful or desirable since your hubby does not spend as much time courting you like he used to. (Most likely he’s too stressed out figuring ways to be a good provider for his growing family.) The fatigue coming with having children makes you cranky, easily irritable and annoyed and you start picking your hubby apart, subconsciously unaware what a disaster awaits you at the end of this road. He does his best to provide but maybe you don’t feel that’s good enough. Such feeling usually arrives from comparing your material stock, or lack there of, with someone else who “has bigger and better stuff.” They’re maybe a rival of yours or someone you perceive more important than you meanwhile forgetting to compare your wealth with someone who has much less than you have. So you argue and pick him apart because he does not fit into your “happily ever after prince” version. He ignores you more often which escalate those inner insecurities until internal questions such as “does he still love me? Am I still beautiful?” etc show up. Does this sound familiar for some of you?

You want some advise from an older woman who has been through her fair share of struggles? Before I move on let me confess something to you. Any man or woman who emotionally and physically abuses their spouses and children need medical and psychological help. If they refuse to change and continue to abuse, they’re not worthy of keeping that family and should take responsibilities of the outcomes-which of course that rarely happens. I do believe battered spouses should leave their abusers even if that goes against my Christian teachers, family and friend’s believes. I saw first hand the devastating result of such violence. I also saw, experienced and still do experience what love looks like in comparison and the flourishing results it has. Some call it God, others call it “the big guy”, but without a doubt there is a bigger picture than what we see with our physical eyes and there is a better explanation for the miracles that do happen than most of us have or try to concoct.

But I got side-tracked so back to today’s subject. Here it goes.

  1. If you’re insecure you have to ask yourself why? Find the core of your own insecurity. Most likely has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with something else that happened earlier in your life which damaged certain views and values directly linked to you, even if that means a sense of entitlement, which is a damaged view of self and the world, by-the-way. Then take responsibilities and start changing. I’ve lost most of you here, haven’t I? No one likes to take responsibilities over their bad actions, only recognition over the good ones. (Ex: Here’s one way I handle this one. When I get annoyed by something I ask myself why then look deeper within, beyond the irritating present issue. If I see a pattern, meaning if I see myself always getting annoyed when this or that happens, or so and so said or did something that bothered me, then I know I got a bad root. I begin asking myself the why question and with every answer I keep on asking myself why, until I get to the root. I don’t always get to the root right away, and that’s alright as long as I make progress. Healing happens in layers at times. But you have to keep yourself honest and stop blaming, especially yourself during this process.)
  2. Just like you, he’s never been married before (talking to first marriages), and he’s trying to figure the whole thing out as best as he can. Most likely the responsibility as a provider is high and as a result of that his focus and energy is spent in providing. You can’t tear his efforts down (even if they’re not in line with what you think they should look or be like) just like you wouldn’t want him to tear your efforts of figuring the motherhood and spousal responsibilities you now have. The whole marriage is a process not an advertisement poster, perfect and complete.
  3. Smile. This is a big one. Even if you don’t feel like it. A man finds a smile to be the sexiest part of your body and soul. So smile. If he’s hanging around bringing home the bacon you’re his babe.
  4. Communication. Oh my gosh! This is a killer or a healer! For crying- out-loud ladies he’s not a woman! He does not speak female, he speaks male, which means keep it simple, direct and to the point. He gets that. And try to keep cool, imagine that you’re talking about someone else when you describe your frustrations. Ex: Babe I’m too tired, can you help me with the trash? Can you take it out? When you see certain facial expressions or hear certain groans as a result, don’t take it personally,. He loves you, he just hates taking the trash out but because he loves you, even if he does not like it he’ll do it. Give him credit. It is like dealing with a big kid at times. Don’t read into it and make a big deal about it. If the trash is gone be happy and move on.
  5. Don’t nag. Ugh, it’s so unpleasant when I talk with another woman and she nags so I can only imagine a man would feel the same. Stop it. Talk. Like an adult.
  6. This-too- shall- pass you heard the saying and its categorically true, if you let it. Nothing lasts forever. Even good moments, like a nice date, a fun party, an emotional speech, so on, which is always good when hardships bust through our doors. They will not last forever!
  7. Work hard and choose to be happy instead of right. That right there will fix most of your issues:) Well, I’ll stop here so I won’t bore you further, unless that’s too late already:) Live well, be nice and let your soul smile more often:)
  8. P.S. If you have more wonderful suggestions, let me know:) God Bless:)

Life is good

Life is good.

Last weekend Chet and I had an argument. Gasp. What? You guys fight and argue too? Yep, we sure do:) We’re both red-blooded people with strong opinions and the need to make our points shine brightly. Through our 25 years of marriage, (wow those years went by fast with a touch of slow) we’ve learned how to fight (I’m sure the 70-year-old me is laughing hard at such a bold statement, thinking “you fool”).

It began, like everything new and glorious usually does, with the usual super passionate arguments over the most nonsensical of stuff, made up by lots of fun spelled s-e-x. Since our marriage had a meeting of two cultures with a healthy dose of language barriers (meaning we could not talk to each other), our nonsensical stuff multiplied exponentially;) Now, if the older me could’ve beamed back in time and had a talk with the younger me, I’m sure the younger me would’ve beaten her up first then maybe paid partial attention to what she had to say. Don’t sweat the small stuff- fantastic advice! Yes, he thinks you’re beautiful, no your butt is not bigger than usual, you’re boobs are perfect and what are we fighting about?

Next phase is called “the exhaustive faze”. This phase arrives, oddly enough, with the presence of babies, and lasts way too long. Through this phase, you fight mostly by mumbling and eye rolling since you’re too exhausted to come up with smart alec remarks, not after you’ve been sleep deprived for millions of seconds, you can’t seem to walk in straight lines some days, you have vomit and dried food tattooed all over your clothes and haven’t worn a sexy dress in decades, partly because you no longer fit in one or you don’t see the point in wearing anything that would end up with sex, mostly because you’re too exhaused for such rigurous workout. Now is not the time to ask: How do I look, honey? He still loves you with the extra this, that, and the other, what will turn him away is your whining or showiung his disrespect. Find a good girlfriend and let it all out remembering that afterwords is her turn. Here’s when you would love the old you to come and give you advise, but she’s too bruised from the earlier phase and missing in action.

Next phase is the “teenage trial phase”, a phase you spend most days on the accused bench while all your faults are thrown in your face with the passion of a volcano that just erupted and does not show signs of slowing down. Here you spend many days praying the trial will end soon and no permanent damage was done in the process. This is a phase where you could very well lose your marbles, as you’re facing your accuser (in the case of multiple accusers, God help you! we’re praying for you), and you get so fatigued from all the explanations you’ve come up with, that you don’t have time to argue with your spouse and he/she either becomes your best friend (in our case) or your worst enemy.

The phase we’re now in, title-wise it’s still up for grabs, due to disease and a near-death-experience, there’s hardly any issues that come up worth enough to argue over. Life comes into prospective and priorities are re-aligned into a much healthier pattern, also there’s the partial short-term-memory-loss which helps:))))) Or the low energy level. Chet and I spend lots of time enjoying each other now, we choose both our friends and battles wisely and let life be lived in the moment. However, now and again tentions arise and even though our arguments are rare, not dramatic like before, more philosophical while trying to emprove our communciation sklills, they do end up teaching us something (because we let). Like the argument we had last week. I’ve learned that Chet’s expressed¬† frustration everytime he drives and encounters bad roads, construction and bad drivers, is not directed at me even if his words come across as so.

“Why is this road closed? Why is that car cutting us off? Why is he crossing the road on a red light?” My defensive attitude comes from waaaay back, from a time of childhood dramas and traumas when I was made to believe that everything bad in this world was my fault even if I had nothing to do with it. Once I realized the connection, and mourned for a few minutes all the years of stress I could’ve eliminated out of my life if this lesson came to me sooner, things were explained accordingly. Chet can express all his frustrations freely, only slightly redirected:

“That guy’s a bad driver!” Here’s where I come in and cheer him on “You’re right, he really is a bad driver.”

I’m not sure about the next phase since we’re not there yet but it will be better, because with every phase we’ve accumulated data and enough information to graduate with a doctorate degree. I’m sure most of you have graduated with excellent degrees and have lots of experience:) Have a great day today and remember when you argue next, the degree is coming:)

Gid Bless:)

 

 

 

God is much nicer than you think

“The most important decision we will make, is wether we believe this universe is friendly or hostile.”-Albert Einstein.

Let me ask you another question first: If there was no hell, would you still believe in God?

The answer should tell you something.

I began believing in God because I knew nothing else, as a child of Christian parents. I got hurt by Christian people, I got loved by Christian people, I hated the church because of Christian people- and for a period of time I believed it was because of God, thus I blamed God, and I got healed because of all kinds of people, Christians including. I should’ve been more mature and chosen to forgive for the sake of my own health, a long time ago. I didn’t. I paid for that with my own health- or absence of health- for few years. I’ve learned many truths and I’m great full. No, God did not allow this horrible disease in my life so I’ll learn a good lesson. What lesson would that be? I don’t believe that way. It’s like saying: “I’m going to allow my child to be very sick to the point of dying, so he’ll hopefully learn what’s good for him.” Only an angry parent would do and think like that. A loving parent would sit by the child’s bed, bringing comfort and soothing away the pain. That’s what the Holy Ghost did when I was very sick. He didn’t beat me down. He sat by my bed and brought me comfort and I could feel his pain seeing one of his child so very ill.

You see, what we think affects us on a DNA level, and we must pay attention and recognize our responsibilities. Fear, anger and hate will kill you. Stress will kill you. There are studies done by Dr. Maseru Emoto (YouTube) where he found that water particles in the presence of both positive and negative environments, then frozen, looked quite different. Same with his rice experiments: the rice over which he spoke love words was fine, the one he spoke hateful words was dying (mold) and the ignored rice never thrived. I’m sure some of you heard about these experiments before, yet, we seem to ignore such results, mostly because of unbelief. Our body is 60% water and our DNA changes based of how we speak to ourselves and what kind of environment we expose our bodies to. Believe me, we’re the ones that make ourselves sick more than anything else in this world, even genes.

There was an interesting case, were a family with cancer history- lived under that fearful fact- adopted a child who also got cancer soon after, despite the different genes. Why? Environment.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”- Proverbs 23:7

Why is it that so many christians pray or profess faith in certain areas of their lives -or over other people- including health, but never see victory? Lack of belief. You or I may utter the Bible verse but see nothing improve. Why? Because we’re missing the emotion (you know that emotion you feel when you really believe something) or we feel the wrong emotions such as frustration, desperation, fear. Belief is exercised, just like any other muscle, so start where you are and build up. And never, ever give up.

When I laid in bed, very sick, besides a round-the-clock comfort, God showed me that by me refusing to forgive I damaged my DNA and my immune system, creating an acidic environment (of fear and bitterness) and a perfect play ground for disease.

When you fell in love, we’re you happy? Did the world looked better? The same world that maybe you hated right before you fell in love. Did you feel better? Did you have more energy? Why?

Our thoughts and words matter and the way we perceive our universe, God including, matters to how your body is going to respond.

Speak kindness and love towards you and others, because God is love and He’s already in you. He’s the light in your DNA and your blood, cleansing away all sickness. Just envision that.

God Bless:)

 

Lyme and Exercise

To the people that are healthy, I honestly say: Thank God for that! To be healthy is a colossal blessing. For the people who are fighting chronic immune system diseases such as Lyme Disease, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, MS and the list goes on, you’ll relate to what I’m going to write next.

Any one with diseases mentioned above, including cancer and on chemo, exercise and disease mixes like oil and water. Exercise is very important, more so during these stages, however the body is under such tremendous attack, that it can’t handle exercise any longer. Not when all your energy is spent fighting off what ever is attacking you and even a fast shower -never mind shaving, that’s only a luxury at this point- is depleting whatever reserves you may have.

I remember that stage. I was told, by healthy doctors, to take 10 minutes walks everyday because my lymphatic system got stuck. As much as I understood the absolute need to move the lymphatic system- which delivers nourishment and removes toxins from the circulatory system- I had to give this answer, many times;

“I’d love to. You have no idea how much I’d love to walk for 1 minute let alone 10 minutes, but just coming and seeing you is taking such a tool on my body, I’ll be in bed around the clock for a whole week to recover from this.”

During such low moments, I would advise, take deep slow breaths while you’re in bed, miserable, wondering if you’ll see tomorrow. Deep breaths helps the lymph nodes in your gut area- quite large lymph nodes- and will help push things along.

Now, I’m the type of personality that pushes. As I gained any amount of strength I would try to take walks. I remember celebrating when I made it to the end of my driveway and back. It took weeks to build up that strengths and lots of medicine, but I never gave up. I kept on thinking -and arguing at times with my body- we’ll either make it or we’ll die trying. I also began thanking my body for every success- no matter how small. I realized I’ve been ¬†very unforgiving towards my body, pushing it and pushing it until it finally collapsed. Now I’m grateful towards myself and I cheer my heart, lungs, liver etc with every success just like I do with my children’s successes. I had to cease my long time hateful relationship with myself.

Start with deep breaths, but envision the one minute walks, then the two minutes walks followed by 10 min, and one day walking all day long without any consequences other than the usual exhaust from the usual effort.

I’m doing so much better, and in good days I’ve been able to play tennis for up to 10 minutes -even if I have to recover for a whole week afterwards every time – and I keep on pushing because I love life. It’s a gift from God and I’m grateful for the chance to live another day.

Have a good day, today.

God Bless:)