My gratitude towards you explained.

I asked myself today: why the urge, lately, to write about people that made a positive impact in my life?

It’s not a sudden urge. I’ve had these emotions accompanied by fond memories deep within myself for a very long time but I never acted on them. It seems the deeper I care about a person the harder it is for me to express it. Is it a flaw? A weakness? An oddity? Or am I simply a normal human being. Upon reflection, I’ve gathered that is far easier for us humans to express anger, displeasure, and critic of others to their face (even easier behind their backs) than give them an honest compliment. And if any measure of a compliment holds an element of insincerity it shatters something within us, it shatters our trust, and without trust, a real friendship can’t exist.

Only when I became ill, and I myself received encouragements did I realize how valuable spoken support really is to a human mind, soul and spirit and I thought to myself: I may die soon and they’ll never know how much they mean to me! Unless I tell them.

So what was once buried deep within my heart is slowly but surely making its way to the surface. This may be a cheese way to express such gratitude and at times love, but what can I say? Progress and change enter the world one step at the time. The important aspect is that arrives sooner rather than later, right? So, don’t lose heart if your name hasn’t popped up on my blog just yet, it’s coming:)

God Bless:)

ME/CFS or Conversion Disorder speech on Ted Talk

ME or Myalgic Encephalopathy, also known as CFS or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Conversion Disorder. 

It’s surprising how about 99% of her symptoms I dealt with and some which remain still deal with. The good news is that I feel soooo much better, despite the mild relapse the past month where I couldn’t touch my chin to my chest due to stiffness and intense pain in the back of my neck and fatigue unusually higher than usual. I’m back on Lyme 2 a tincture that helps calm down the symptoms. I still have a very stiff back neck that crunches all the time I touch but I am so grateful for life in general that I move along:) I have a part-time job now; two hours two times a week cleaning a house, and I’m so happy and proud of myself to be a working woman again. I have deep anxiety before I have to leave, but I take Neurocalm which helps me and this week I’ve just begun drinking Sarsaparilla organic tea which gives me quite a bit of energy and calms my central nervous system as well. Amazon has a brand I use called Buddha Teas, but there are other brands out there to choose from.

For all fellow Lyme Disease, ME, CFS, Conversion Disorder, Cancer and other Autoimmune Issues too many to name, I honestly pray for your complete health or at least bearable symptoms. The cure is out there, we haven’t found it yet. Meanwhile, keep fighting, keep researching and do whatever it takes to heal yourself because if we are to wait for western medicine to do it for us we’d all be dead by now. Maybe one day they’ll catch up as well because they’re seriously behind in autoimmune disease knowledge.

Merry Christmas to everyone reading this blog and a Happy New Year full of an unexpected improvement in your lives.

God Bless:)

The Spandex Curse

Sunday morning, needing to breathe some fresh air, I stopped at a tiny coffee shop here in Magnolia where they make my favorite decaf latte with almond milk drink.

The coffee shop, located in a deserted looking minuscule strip mall, has a male barista and a barbershop feel. Beside the male barista, a man in his 40s or 50s, two other gentlemen were occupying the small space, one on a stool to my left and another paying for his order.  All three laughing. The laughter and under the breath later on giggles were coming and going like a tidal wave and I smiled, happy to see them having a good time. I ordered my coffee, paid and waited. Picking his own coffee the man by the registered left for few seconds then returned, taking a seat on a stool next to the other, all three still giggling. One of them kindly let me in on the humorous secret.

“He just got caught staring at a guy in spandex.” Another wave of laughter.

“You wonder sometimes if people look in the mirror before they leave their house and think: sure, I look alright!” The other one, who got caught staring, now facing the wall, head bowed low and away from me, as if ashamed by his misfortune, spoke.

‘He’s still recovering.” The first man clarified to me, while everyone else kept laughing, me among them. The victim turned around and continued.

“And he was not in good shape…more laughter…I mean he was fat…in spandex.” The poor guy still looked terrified but what he’d witnessed that day and we joined him in laughter.

“I’ve had few such recoveries myself,” I replied, now holding my coffee.

“Have a good day.” I wished them still giggling and left them behind to their recovery ward and medicine. I love the way men talk. Simple, to the point and always with a touch of humor.

Have a great day:)

God Bless:)

Durerea sufletului, boala corpului, suferinta spiritului

1 Tesaloniceni 5:23 (NTLR)

23 Însuşi Dumnezeul păcii să vă sfinţească în toate şi să vă păstreze întreaga fiinţă – duhul, sufletul şi trupul vostru – fără pată la venirea Domnului nostru Isus Cristos.

Traditional si religios, trupul a fost dat la o parte, gasit fara mare importanta in cercurile religioase urmat indeaproape de suflet, la fel gasit fara prea mare importanta. Numai spiritul omului a fost pus pe un pedestol ca singurul focus important in credinta. E ca si cum am spune, Isus nu e important, nici Duhul Sfant, numai Dumnezeu. In noi exista trei dimensiuni, trei atmosfere, trei lumi intr-una singura. Daca nu intelegem importanta acestor treimi care exista in noi, ne va fi foarte greu sa intelegem treimea dumnezeiasca. Fiecare latura are o importanta egala (nu mai mare sau mai mica) si toate trei au nevoie de o existenta harmonioasa pentru o relatie sanatoasa cu noi, intre noi, si cu Dumenzeu. Dar nu-i usor in a mentine harmonia intre cele trei: trup, suflet si spirit, asa-i? Parca aud deja remarci pline de furie, mai ales din partea extremista a unor crestini, dar pot spune cu convingere ca daca trupul si sufletul nu erau asa de importante nu erau atatea versete in Biblie dand sfaturi cum sa le ingrijim, respectam, hrani, imbraca, cultiva, pastra sanatoase.

Treimea dumnezeiasca exita in noi, pentru ca suntem facu-ti dupa chipul si asemarea Lui (treimii dumnezeiesti).

Daca trupul nu se simte bine, sufletul si spiritul sufera. Daca sufletul e bolnav, trupul si spiritul sufera, daca spiritul e bolnav trupul si sufletul sufera.

Am observat, atat la mine cat si la altii, ca trupeste poti fi sanatos si peste noapte in primejdie de moarte, desii poate doctorii nu pot gasi nimic grav in corp, producand confuzie. Bolile autoimmune, in schimb nu se vad pe masinariile medicale, sunt atata de sinistre si periculoase ca poti muri dintr-o muscatura a unei insecte extrem de mici. Dar bolile autoimmune, am observat, au un lucrul in comun- suflet bolnav care dealungul anilor a tot scurs otrava in corp fara sa ne dam seama manifestat intr-un system imun slabit.

Romani 12:2 a fost tocit in mintile noastre cu o latura spirituala dar, din punctul meu de vedere, incompleta. Nu ai cum sa-ti reinoiesti gandirea, daca esti invatat ca-ci gandurile noastre nu sunt importante, partial importante sau importante numai cand are de a face cu o latura religioasa. Asta inseamna ca unicatul nostrul, RNA, calitatile noastre etc, la care Dumenzeu cu drag a lucrat sa ne formeze nu-s asa de importante ca de exemplu a stii scriptura de la cap la coada si invers.

Sufletul meu a fost bolnav ani de zile, scurgand continu ortrava in corp, in forma de furie si neiertare. Te rog nu fa aceeasi greseala. Sanatatea corpulu si a sufletului sunt in mod egal extem de importante, ca si partea spirituala:)  Incepe a ierta, incepand cu tine si bucura-te de momentele mici binecuvantate din viata:)

Va doresc o zi binecuvantata la toti:)

 

The Battle Within

For my sister Delia:)

Within all of us lay a hidden battle, some having to do with uncertainty, or pain, or unanswered questions so on and so forth. Lately, my inner battle has been whether I should keep on writing in this blog, exposing my fears and victories, or not. But talking to my sister Delia gave me my answer.

We all have gifts. Mine happens to be the gift of writing. We all have moments in our lives in which we doubt whether our gifts are real or not, or simply they’re a personal delusion on which we feed when bored or overexcited. I’ve been fearful to write the past month or so, questioning many things, such as the need for yet another story in this world, but what if that story is exactly what someone else needs now in order to push through today’s pain and uncertainty?

Last week I’ve visited the doctors again, making sure they don’t miss my absence:) Kidding. The back/pelvic pain and fever became unbearable.

 

As you can tell, things could be better. I suspect a kidney related infection. I’ve had a few procedures done and no communication, as yet, from the urology specialists. I’ve been given a prescription for an unrelated matter and good luck chump. The prescription causes cancer and I feel ignored. I’m sharing this because of my frustration in the western medical system who was eager to get me to do few expensive tests but not bothered to give a diagnosis or treatment for something that it’s obviously an issue. I’m sure some of you have been through something similar, felt frustrated and let down, yet again, by the medical system who does not seem interested in curing anyone. But I will not give up, not yet anyway. There’s life to be lived and things to be done:)

So, if you have a talent but you feel reluctant to pursue because you may feel “what’s the point?” especially when others seem only interested into milking and ignoring you, do it anyway for the simple reason that you can. Others dream to have your gifting, but you have it so go use it and help someone. No grand gestures necessary, no big words required, just your willingness. Start small and move forward.

 

P.S. Morning the death of a nice uncle, who died today from cancer. Uncle Relu was a hardworking, nice man.

God Bless:)

Balance Prayer

This is a prayer for myself and anyone else who wants it:)

I thank you, God, for the ability to forgive and the gift of forgiveness. Until recently I couldn’t forgive no matter how I went about it, not sure why, but I presume it had to do with the hate taking all the space available in my heart leaving no room for anything else, including forgiveness or joy.

Thank you for breaking that hard calcified wax of hate towards others and myself and melting it away from my soal. Now I have room for forgiveness, love, and joy. Now I can forgive myself and others; sure it’s still an effort, sure it’s still my will and choice but I have the power to choose now versus being stuck within my sick soul with no way out except a continuous and exhaustingly constant squirming and no progress other than fatigue. I earnestly thank you now for giving me the parents I have, for bringing me to this part of the world, for my family, and for giving me the body I have. What tremendous spectacular things I’ve learned because of these privileges and what great privileges I have to help others.

Thank you for waking me up to my potential by revealing to me my fears, fears that captured me in a self-restraining smuggled dark suit all these years. By showing me these fears and their consequences, you opened up the eyes of my soul to the things I’ve missed and the opportunities not taken if choosing to remain in that snuggled dark suit called fear.

I will choose life, love, and joy. I will risk opening up and be vulnerable in order to gain these three qualities. I will re-learn and re-direct my focus, thoughts, and behaviors in order to experience the consequences of life, love, and joy. In my quest, I will fail sometimes but I will get up and continue because my focus has shifted. I finally see that I have the right to experience life, love, and joy, a right you gave me a long time ago but was taken away by other’s fears only to be recently recaptured.

It’s a re-learning process based on the truth that what others said or did in order to keep me down was based on their own insecurities and fears, not mine. Their walls, not mine. I thank you, Father God, for opening not only my eyes but my soul as well to accept this, for acceptance is the bridge between success and failure. In the past, I’ve accepted false versions of someone’s truths and it brought nothing but a vast desert in my soul, now I will accept your truth to choose life, love, and joy. After all, that’s the definition of balance. Not one without the other, not one over the other. Balance. Truth. This time your truth and let’s see what that brings along and where will it end.

Amen.

 

 

Life is good

Life is good.

Last weekend Chet and I had an argument. Gasp. What? You guys fight and argue too? Yep, we sure do:) We’re both red-blooded people with strong opinions and the need to make our points shine brightly. Through our 25 years of marriage, (wow those years went by fast with a touch of slow) we’ve learned how to fight (I’m sure the 70-year-old me is laughing hard at such a bold statement, thinking “you fool”).

It began, like everything new and glorious usually does, with the usual super passionate arguments over the most nonsensical of stuff, made up by lots of fun spelled s-e-x. Since our marriage had a meeting of two cultures with a healthy dose of language barriers (meaning we could not talk to each other), our nonsensical stuff multiplied exponentially;) Now, if the older me could’ve beamed back in time and had a talk with the younger me, I’m sure the younger me would’ve beaten her up first then maybe paid partial attention to what she had to say. Don’t sweat the small stuff- fantastic advice! Yes, he thinks you’re beautiful, no your butt is not bigger than usual, you’re boobs are perfect and what are we fighting about?

Next phase is called “the exhaustive faze”. This phase arrives, oddly enough, with the presence of babies, and lasts way too long. Through this phase, you fight mostly by mumbling and eye rolling since you’re too exhausted to come up with smart alec remarks, not after you’ve been sleep deprived for millions of seconds, you can’t seem to walk in straight lines some days, you have vomit and dried food tattooed all over your clothes and haven’t worn a sexy dress in decades, partly because you no longer fit in one or you don’t see the point in wearing anything that would end up with sex, mostly because you’re too exhaused for such rigurous workout. Now is not the time to ask: How do I look, honey? He still loves you with the extra this, that, and the other, what will turn him away is your whining or showiung his disrespect. Find a good girlfriend and let it all out remembering that afterwords is her turn. Here’s when you would love the old you to come and give you advise, but she’s too bruised from the earlier phase and missing in action.

Next phase is the “teenage trial phase”, a phase you spend most days on the accused bench while all your faults are thrown in your face with the passion of a volcano that just erupted and does not show signs of slowing down. Here you spend many days praying the trial will end soon and no permanent damage was done in the process. This is a phase where you could very well lose your marbles, as you’re facing your accuser (in the case of multiple accusers, God help you! we’re praying for you), and you get so fatigued from all the explanations you’ve come up with, that you don’t have time to argue with your spouse and he/she either becomes your best friend (in our case) or your worst enemy.

The phase we’re now in, title-wise it’s still up for grabs, due to disease and a near-death-experience, there’s hardly any issues that come up worth enough to argue over. Life comes into prospective and priorities are re-aligned into a much healthier pattern, also there’s the partial short-term-memory-loss which helps:))))) Or the low energy level. Chet and I spend lots of time enjoying each other now, we choose both our friends and battles wisely and let life be lived in the moment. However, now and again tentions arise and even though our arguments are rare, not dramatic like before, more philosophical while trying to emprove our communciation sklills, they do end up teaching us something (because we let). Like the argument we had last week. I’ve learned that Chet’s expressed  frustration everytime he drives and encounters bad roads, construction and bad drivers, is not directed at me even if his words come across as so.

“Why is this road closed? Why is that car cutting us off? Why is he crossing the road on a red light?” My defensive attitude comes from waaaay back, from a time of childhood dramas and traumas when I was made to believe that everything bad in this world was my fault even if I had nothing to do with it. Once I realized the connection, and mourned for a few minutes all the years of stress I could’ve eliminated out of my life if this lesson came to me sooner, things were explained accordingly. Chet can express all his frustrations freely, only slightly redirected:

“That guy’s a bad driver!” Here’s where I come in and cheer him on “You’re right, he really is a bad driver.”

I’m not sure about the next phase since we’re not there yet but it will be better, because with every phase we’ve accumulated data and enough information to graduate with a doctorate degree. I’m sure most of you have graduated with excellent degrees and have lots of experience:) Have a great day today and remember when you argue next, the degree is coming:)

Gid Bless:)

 

 

 

All inclusive

Why the “all inclusive” American political motto does not work for me (unless its a vacation package:).

I grew up in the Eastern European communism era back in the 80′ and early 90′, and have been discriminated against quite vehemently because of my religious beliefs and gender. Coming to America in 1993 was an eye-opening experience on multiple levels. While I loved the idea of being accepted in the new country and among the Americans, I soon learned about this country’s inner prejudices and was shocked. That taught me one thing- prejudice is not a country issue is a human issue. Conforming to American rules and culture it seemed a sensible expectation and I had no issue with it. Why would I? If I didn’t like it all I had to do is go back home, to my own country. It’s not easy to change and conform, it takes time and patience. To this day any reminder of my own culture is a welcoming sight and I am very glad I have friends and family living in America. Being a Christian I attended church right away. While the white church (the only church I attended) failed miserably to love the gay, prostitutes, homeless, black people (not all churches), or anyone else who was different than they were, the church still reached out and took part in many charitable acts of kindness, which impressed me. Sure it was far from perfect, but it was trying.

Moving to the Seattle area, where left thinking predominates and church attendance is at its lowest I’ve learned, and still am learning, many things. The opportunities here are far greater than back south where we used to live, the people are more open-minded… or are they? I find the same close-mindedness towards anyone that thinks differently than they are, especially politically, just like back in the south (Auburn area). The political agendas differ and an “all-inclusive” thinking, which at first sight seems wonderful, is wrapped in a false facade of acceptance. Violence can rise easily if you don’t agree with them, but mostly you’re going to get a passive-aggressive form of action and I find myself walking on eggshells around here because of the frail emotional status of spoiled people that have been babied by their parents far too much. The vibe is of a very narrow-minded individualistic liberal views, which completely contradict the enlightened stigma they give themselves. If you read this and you find yourself getting offended you must ask yourself why? I do the same when I get offended. Don’t get me wrong there’s a lot of nice people here, just don’t get political or religious and all is well.

Why “all-inclusive” move does not work for me? The school system, that’s why. I remember back in my school days being ridiculed and made fun of for being a Christian something oddly I got used to after a while and built an inner determination within, I remember the Jehovah witnesses’s kids always put in the back of the class and made to stand up for hours as a sign of shame, my brother Alin beaten by a teacher until blood poured out of his skin, the same brother locked in dark closets during his kindergarten time for hours at the time, teacher bursting into our apartment without knocking demanding this and that, to give you a couple examples. This was abuse accepted and enforced at the hands of a corrupt and hateful system and its happening here as well. Here, where people take pride in being enlightened and more moral than the nazi or the communists were, yet using similar bullying strategies. One of those strategies is sneaking perversive explicit sexual curriculum in the schools while keeping parents intentionally uninformed. This begins in kindergarten. I’m part of a book club here and I heard with my own ears the proud grandparents sharing with us about the sexual details the teachers talked to the kids in regard to reproductive organs (they put it more explicitly), sexual orientation, and other details. Tell me what is the difference in the brainwashing mechanism between talking faith in schools or this gross stuff? Why would a kindergartener whose main focus in those years is to play need to know about his and other’s sexual parts in such details that could damage them the same way a rapist would? As a parent I have the responsibility to teach my child, when I see fit, about any and all sexual education, the schools have the responsibility of teaching academics. From a medical point of view, this is a form of abuse towards the young minds.

Isn’t this a form of exclusivity thinking, Carmen? you would ask and I would say, this is a form or allowing the individual to choose. The all-inclusive nonsense is a very familiar communistic move, where individual thinking was a threat to the system. In all my 18 years of schooling in a communistic system, I have NEVER accounted the sexual filth the school system pushes nowadays in America (which is strategically placed in there and funded by certain organizations with a certain goal in mind, that research I leave it up to you.) If you think democracy and freedom of speech in this country today is not assaulted you’re gravely mistaken.

Black people should not have to fear for their lives. Only criminals of all colors and nationalities should.

Women should not fear to be abused and ignored. (The extreme feminism is going too far.)

Babies should not be killed. (Adoption facilities should be put in place and education made available.)

Education should be available for all who want to educate themselves.

The law of the land should be respected by anyone who enters this country.

Homeless should be taken care by us.

Mentally ill should be helped (mostly by exposing the Pharmaceutical industry for the lord drugs they are. )

I remember back when my kids began their schooling years and the subject of feelings was pushed more than academics. Well…feelings are an important part, not the most important, however. Why? they constantly change. One day I may feel a certain way only to change my mind in the next minute. Can I build a lasting…anything on such an unstable foundation? And for crying out loud feed our children the best of foods in the school lunch! We parents do care!

I woke up on the wrong side of the planet today and I looked around thinking: My God, how did I get here!

God Bless:)

Divorce

Some days I feel just like a child who receives something amazing, does not fully understand it but in my excitement needs to run and share it with everyone. Today is one of those days:)

The only thing I remember is a brilliantly beautiful pair of eyes, a mix of blues and greens with touches of diamond sparkly splashes constantly moving in a slow rotating pattern, fully focused on my eyes. The sight was beyond beautiful. Slowly the eyes moved back revealing a stunning face on which feminine futures predominated, but just like the eyes, it was in a constant movement of transition from one look to another. I was looking at one person and a million simultaneously. It was absolutely stunning. The voice that came from another source, somewhere within myself, made me ponder and change my opinion of the being I saw.

“Its name is Divorce,” for she was neither female or male, yet both simultaneously and more than that, a spirit of unknown gender.

‘It changes constantly, never still, never the same.”

Then I woke up, feeling disappointed to learn that such a beautiful presence was in actuality such a destructive force. Divorce, for many, if not all, brings a fantasy realm of a better world than the one they have. Unhappiness starts when one stops looking at what they have and focuses elsewhere. You can divorce yourself from a human being, God, ideas, places. Divorce is the opposite of a constant spirit, the latter a characteristic found of God. What bothers me, is all the destructive and constantly moving ideas in our world  (they existed before our lifetime and will exist long after we die), that promote an inconsistent spirit and bring along the fantasy of a better life. It’s not as black and white this battle between evil and good (stop rolling your eyes, we see this in our movies, books, and real-life on a regular basis). The deception of the ages is factual; evil taking a deceitful form of good in order to destroy. You don’t believe me? Why then do we have murder, deceit, lust, racism, famine, abuse to name a few among us? What does the color of one’s skin have to do with their actual value as a human being? Why are defenseless babies killed? Why are women abused? Why so much hate? Because it looks mesmerizing in the beginning and by the time we realize what we’ve done we are smack in the middle of it all.

Like I said, in the beginning, I wanted to share this dream with you. I’m sure some of you will appreciate the knowledge. It’s a subject that has put me in a meditative state for a few days now. I pray for myself that I will have the wisdom to see beyond deceit, that means I need to learn the truth, a journey I began a while back.

Enjoy the wonderful weather and God Bless:)