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At the moment I was both smiling and grieving. I wasn’t faking it. I wasn’t pretending.
Our family was celebrating Alex’s 18th B-day and in our smiles, laughters, hugs, humor and jokes, love vibrated all around. Gratitude for this wonderful young man’s life filled my heart, alongside my grieving the loss of my wonderful mother whom God gave us the privilege to have, love and belong to for a little while here on this earth.
Yes, lately I seem to cry a lot yet still capable of making a joke, laughing and smiling, celebrating the good moments life offers along the people I love. But what pulls me out of that gut wrenching hole that’s so easy to get trapped inside of is thinking of someone else’s pain. My pain recedes and I focus on the details of helping another. I do not abandon my own grief- that can be dangerous in the long run, it can come back and bite or even kill in the form of a disease- but I travel through this grief unhurried, patient, but aware of its traps. I think of other’s pain, like that of my own father who lost a brother two weeks before losing his own wife, or my aunt Olga who also lost one of her brothers two months ago, or my uncle Fanica, aunt Rodica, aunt Simona, uncle Dani and uncle Cristi who lost their sister, or my friend Dana who also lost her mother not long ago and her husband Tibi, who lost his father today, or my siblings who became half orphans overnight, or… the list is long… on it there’s dear ones like Elizabeth, Aaron, uncle Marcel, uncle Elisei, Simona, Mirela, Brigitte, etc… there are so many of us who grieve. So many of us walking that same road, stopping to breath now and again, leaning on each other when we need comfort, but still moving forward. It’s important to move forward for the sake of those still with us.
I thank God for Chet, for Merrill, Eleen, Meleah, Jordan and Alex, they’re my rock now, my mother-in-law who always has a few lines of comforting words in her e-mails and for your wonderful words of comfort:) How can’t I be thankful being surrounded by such wonderful and strong people. I’m thankful to God for holding hard onto me right now. I’m also angry with Him. He could’ve… but I hear another’s prayer: “God please take me home! This pain is too much! Please take me home!” They are the cries of my mother while in pain and it stops my anger, it calms my sorrow. What about her? What about her prayers? What about her pain? God answered her prayers, not mine and I’m glad he did. She’s no longer suffering, no longer in pain and I’m not longer angry that God didn’t answer my prayer. I’m thankful, in fact. Thankful while still grieving.