You Asked I Answer-Part 2- Relationships-Dreamers vs Realists

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Definition of dreamer

 (Entry 1 of 2)

1one that dreams

2aone who lives in a world of fancy and imagination

b: one who has ideas or conceives projects regarded as impracticalVISIONARY– Mirriam Wester

Another Definition- A swim in the land of fairy tales while floating in a boat made of rose petals, diamonds, and joy, as love drops fall ever so softly everywhere. Our true love bows down constantly with an awe-struck look plastered for eternity on its face worshiping our being. They can read our minds, and fulfill every whim realizing we’re never wrong. Because it is all about us and a tiny bit about them they seem totally okay with that.

realist

 noun

plural realists

Definition of realist

 (Entry 1 of 2)

1: a person who recognizes what is real or possible in a particular situation: one who accepts and deals with things as they really are.

2: a person (such as a writer or painter) who adheres to a style of realism by representing things in a way faithful to nature or to real life Chekhov was essentially more of a realist than Dostoevski, whose force often lay in a strong proclivity to melodrama …— Roger Shattuck

Another Definition: He/She snores next to you while drooling as a baby cries in the next room. You’re too exhausted to get up the 10th time and your eye bags have eye bags, your body is melting from so much fatigue and you’re brain turned into mush a long time ago, yet he’s/she’s not going to get up so you have to do it again. Your body odor has its own character by now, your finances left for a holiday a long time ago and your decorator’s name is”It will do”.

You remember dreaming to be married for a long time while you were “strongly encouraged” by others to do so and now you’re wondering “why did no one tell me about this part?” He/she brought their problems along to keep company to your problems but that’s not working out too well. While dating you thought you died and went to heaven, instead, now the bills are piling up on your coffee table, the dirty laundry pile never seems to take a long hike, and you keep hearing the echoes of your past self. You manage to pull your mental energy together enough when you’re in public but once home you let it spill all over the floor.

Maybe you

Maybe you thought you were more briliant only to find you’re less briliant than you wanted to be, maybe you thought your were prettier until you saw someone prettier than you and put fear in your soul that he/she will find a better choice, maybe you thought you were funnier until you laughed so hard your tummy hurt to another’s joke and compared how little response you got to yours, maybe you thought your house was nicer than another’s, then you got invited into another’s mansion and you gasped with both utter amazement and deep envy and instantly you felt drab, maybe you thought the boy would worship you beyond the dating and long into the marriage only to find his bored eyes glass over you and through you as if you didn’t exist as he got lost again into his mental nothing box, and for fundamental Christian’s once you purchased a man you can’t return him because he’s damaged, or malfunctioning and now the slow realization that you’re stuck with a less than ideal version of your Fabio version is sinking in your heart and a part of you dies a little. Maybe your prince is less holy than you wanted, more holly or not at all, and by gosh I wanted a different version and I got an imitator! I don’t know which of these are true if any, but your dreamer self, fell off the horse of happily-ever-after and hit her/his bum on the reality soil. Now what? 

What happened?

Nothing much. You’re growing up! You’re learning to be an adult and living with another human being. You must adjust your expectations.

Usually, a dreamer marries a realist. Yin and yang. An introvert and an extrovert. A pessimist and an optimist. A future-focused with a past-focused. Boring and fun. It’s a cross-pollination really.

We all have a before idea and we all end up working with an after version rooted in reality.

As my daughter and her boyfriend explain: Before. I had it down! I had all the key ingredients to make it work but soon I found out they were not the right ingredients, so I had to go buy new ones.

After: It’s not just about how I treat them. It is about who I am all the time. How I think, my hobbies, behavior, my whole individual self outside my interaction with my partner. I thought I was great before I met him/her. But after, he/she brought out of me all my insecurities which shocked me to find out I had any to begin with, and now I must do the work to confront these insecurities. Selfish people will walk away, they will always find an excuse not to put in the work. Unless there is real physical and emotional abuse people should not walk away from commitment.

And as we age and the more we learn we realize the less we know.

Examples of dreamers that achieved something:

  • Our founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, attributed the philosophy contained within the Declaration of Independence to their dreams
  • Albert Einstein ascribed the theory of relativity to a dream he had as a young boy
  • Thomas Edison credited his discovery of electricity to his dreams
  • Colonel Harold Dickson made history’s biggest oil discovery (which later became the Kuwait Oil Company) based on guidance illumined in his dream
  • Elias Howe sourced his invention of the sewing machine to his dreams
  • Dr. Frederick Banting discovered insulin in his dream—and won a Nobel Prize
  • Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein was inspired by her dream/nightmare
  • A dream led Otto Loewi to a Nobel Prize for his contribution to medicine
  • Mendeleyev beheld the complete periodic table in his dream
  • The planet Uranus was discovered by William Herschel in a dream
  • Stravinsky, Wagner, and Beethoven heard musical compositions, from fragments to entire canons, in their dreams
  • Bob Dylan composed music from his dreams
  • Paul McCartney praised his dreams for his multi-platinum song, Yesterday
  • Jeff Taylor dreamed of his patent for Monster.com
  • The movie, Avatar, was dreamed in vivid detail by director, James Cameron
  • The Twilight series was dreamed by stay-at-home-mom, Stephenie Meyer…and the list goes on…

Examples of realists that achieved something: As I Googled, it came up mostly as a Realism Paintings style. But these great artists were dreamers.

So we need dreamers, they are the ones who can imagine a better world beyond the one we see.

In summary, all the young dreamers out there, not yet in a relationship (most likely will not be reading this post) walk with your eyes open into the reality of a relationship by understanding that a lot of surprises await you along with a lot of work, compromise, and sacrifice. But it’s worth it.

Now go have fun with your opposite and stop bickering over small and useless issues.

God Bless:)

So the honeymoon is over, now what?

You got married, the honeymoon passed and the child or children arrived. As a wife you start to feel less beautiful or desirable since your hubby does not spend as much time courting you like he used to. (Most likely he’s too stressed out figuring ways to be a good provider for his growing family.) The fatigue coming with having children makes you cranky, easily irritable and annoyed and you start picking your hubby apart, subconsciously unaware what a disaster awaits you at the end of this road. He does his best to provide but maybe you don’t feel that’s good enough. Such feeling usually arrives from comparing your material stock, or lack there of, with someone else who “has bigger and better stuff.” They’re maybe a rival of yours or someone you perceive more important than you meanwhile forgetting to compare your wealth with someone who has much less than you have. So you argue and pick him apart because he does not fit into your “happily ever after prince” version. He ignores you more often which escalate those inner insecurities until internal questions such as “does he still love me? Am I still beautiful?” etc show up. Does this sound familiar for some of you?

You want some advise from an older woman who has been through her fair share of struggles? Before I move on let me confess something to you. Any man or woman who emotionally and physically abuses their spouses and children need medical and psychological help. If they refuse to change and continue to abuse, they’re not worthy of keeping that family and should take responsibilities of the outcomes-which of course that rarely happens. I do believe battered spouses should leave their abusers even if that goes against my Christian teachers, family and friend’s believes. I saw first hand the devastating result of such violence. I also saw, experienced and still do experience what love looks like in comparison and the flourishing results it has. Some call it God, others call it “the big guy”, but without a doubt there is a bigger picture than what we see with our physical eyes and there is a better explanation for the miracles that do happen than most of us have or try to concoct.

But I got side-tracked so back to today’s subject. Here it goes.

  1. If you’re insecure you have to ask yourself why? Find the core of your own insecurity. Most likely has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with something else that happened earlier in your life which damaged certain views and values directly linked to you, even if that means a sense of entitlement, which is a damaged view of self and the world, by-the-way. Then take responsibilities and start changing. I’ve lost most of you here, haven’t I? No one likes to take responsibilities over their bad actions, only recognition over the good ones. (Ex: Here’s one way I handle this one. When I get annoyed by something I ask myself why then look deeper within, beyond the irritating present issue. If I see a pattern, meaning if I see myself always getting annoyed when this or that happens, or so and so said or did something that bothered me, then I know I got a bad root. I begin asking myself the why question and with every answer I keep on asking myself why, until I get to the root. I don’t always get to the root right away, and that’s alright as long as I make progress. Healing happens in layers at times. But you have to keep yourself honest and stop blaming, especially yourself during this process.)
  2. Just like you, he’s never been married before (talking to first marriages), and he’s trying to figure the whole thing out as best as he can. Most likely the responsibility as a provider is high and as a result of that his focus and energy is spent in providing. You can’t tear his efforts down (even if they’re not in line with what you think they should look or be like) just like you wouldn’t want him to tear your efforts of figuring the motherhood and spousal responsibilities you now have. The whole marriage is a process not an advertisement poster, perfect and complete.
  3. Smile. This is a big one. Even if you don’t feel like it. A man finds a smile to be the sexiest part of your body and soul. So smile. If he’s hanging around bringing home the bacon you’re his babe.
  4. Communication. Oh my gosh! This is a killer or a healer! For crying- out-loud ladies he’s not a woman! He does not speak female, he speaks male, which means keep it simple, direct and to the point. He gets that. And try to keep cool, imagine that you’re talking about someone else when you describe your frustrations. Ex: Babe I’m too tired, can you help me with the trash? Can you take it out? When you see certain facial expressions or hear certain groans as a result, don’t take it personally,. He loves you, he just hates taking the trash out but because he loves you, even if he does not like it he’ll do it. Give him credit. It is like dealing with a big kid at times. Don’t read into it and make a big deal about it. If the trash is gone be happy and move on.
  5. Don’t nag. Ugh, it’s so unpleasant when I talk with another woman and she nags so I can only imagine a man would feel the same. Stop it. Talk. Like an adult.
  6. This-too- shall- pass you heard the saying and its categorically true, if you let it. Nothing lasts forever. Even good moments, like a nice date, a fun party, an emotional speech, so on, which is always good when hardships bust through our doors. They will not last forever!
  7. Work hard and choose to be happy instead of right. That right there will fix most of your issues:) Well, I’ll stop here so I won’t bore you further, unless that’s too late already:) Live well, be nice and let your soul smile more often:)
  8. P.S. If you have more wonderful suggestions, let me know:) God Bless:)