I have to apologize for the original poor written style of this particular blog. It was done in a hurry, due to constricted timing, but I’ll make an attempt into fixing some of the mistakes. Also, the story- more precisely, the argument- was far longer in real life and in greater detail than presented, but for the sake of keeping your interest fresh, I dramatically shortened it.
Yesterday, Chet and I, went to a neighborhood garage sale, here in Queen Anne. It was the type of garage sale that spread over many blocks, with loads of cars on the road and people on foot. A sort of fair-event style, with tables full of used goods, chatter and activity. We’ve walked for a good couple of hours. After a while my brain became a little fuzzy- a sure sigh of fatigue- and, at one particular sale I made the mistake of handing over too much money for my purchase. My gut instinct tolled me something was off. I went over the money in my hand, a $20 bill and a $10 bill for a $15 purchase, but I could not register my mistake. The teen looked confused for just a moment, pocketed the extra and gave me back a $5 bill. We went on our marry way, but something- not quite sure what exactly at the time- bothered me for the rest of the day and well into the evening. After few hours of rest, it hit me. I lost $15. I did it with my own hands and a fuzzy mental status. Yet, my mistake nagged at me in the morning. If rest didn’t fix it, it must be addressed.
Why was I still bothered by it? It was only $15.
This is one example of how I process issues that bother me. First I rest. Then, if not gone, I know I have to take care of it right away, otherwise it will fester and it will become worse.
Carmen, it’s only $15. Is it the loss of money that bothers you?
Than, what is it? Thinking.
The fact that my brain was tired and I was confused.
Why were you confused?
Is that rational.
Battling this autoimmune issue.
Than it’s normal. Thinking.
I’m still bothered.
Why? Walking as much as you did it’s a sure sign of improvement and of health. You should be celebrating. You should be happy.
I should, yet I’m not. What is it? What is it? Thinking. ( I must address right about now a few things: I do battle with a certain amount of guilt over my inability, at the moment and for the past three years, to go to work an bring in an income, as well over the high amount of money my regular treatments require. I was taught to provide, always. Unable to provide, means being an useless eater, thus removed, by all means, from among the living- a Marxist education.) Than I heard the small whisper.
“Getting healthy does not mean allowing some of your old thinking to return- being hard on yourself by expecting such perfection from yourself. Leave that old and unhealthy type of thinking and belief behind and embrace the new health in front of you.”
That was it! The old perfectionist, the one not allowing me to make mistakes without a prolonged self-beating that lasted far too long-years in some cases- was trying to take the wheel again.
About a year and a half ago, during some of my weakest moments, God showed me something hard to swallow. Just how harsh I’ve become agains my own self over the years and how fast I had to let go of such impractical and twisted thinking. And I did, at least partially. Apparently, old habits die hard, and old instincts try their very best to fill the old holes of thinking. Recognizing it, it’s the first step to recovery. And most of the time, healing is not needed only in the body but in the emotional/mind level as well. Over my recovery time I became very greatfull to my heart, brain, guts etc for working so hard to make me healthy again, and now that success is real, it will be absolute suicide to go back into beating them down with unrealistic expectations. Us, Eastern Europeans in general, have very high and unrealistic expectation of ourselves. Those expectations both injure and help us. Finding a good balance is the key.
Once I realized the core of my unease (see how far the core of the matter was from just loosing $15?), I remembered God’s lesson of being kind toward myself, dropping the unrealistic expectation and just going back to trusting Him. So I’m working towards that goal, and sharing this with you is part of it.
Have a blessed day.