Dentist appointment

Wednesday, July 19th, I had another dental appointment. It took almost three hours, I had four mercury (amalgam) fillings removed, decay found under the fillings cleaned out , one molar and premolar filled with new clean and safe resin composite filling and one molar and premolar prepped for crowns. I have temporary crown fits on now and I am still in a certain procentage of pain. One side of the TMJ joint sort of popped out due to the lengthy appointment and the doctor treated that with a laser session which helped it right away.

Within hours -had to wait for the numbing to subside- I noticed a dramatic neurological improvement; no more shadows on the periferal sides of my eyes and the slight blindness I seemed to have learned to live with, had vanished. I was no longer jumpy and agitated. The noise sensibility subsided quite a bit and visually I improved. Next, I noticed-my husband and children as well- an increase in energy. I ran- even if only for a minute- with my son Alex, while playing a game, in the park. I haven’t done that in almost four years! Overall, I felt lighter, happier, and bubbly. I began noticing details around me, somehow I missed seeing them until now. I had a lot of de-ja-vus, all connected to Romania, where I was born and raised. I found myself saying and thinking ‘I want to do that…and that…and that.’ My personality is coming back- love of life and adventure- effortlessly. I made as I call it ‘The Big Breakfast” on Sunday, a tradition I had since…ever. I love a big breakfast! I haven’t done that in years, since I lacked the energy and appetite. I find myself doing and saying things I used to do and say, good stuff and it’s as if I’m waking up from a long and horrible nightmare. I still have dental ache and pain daily since Wed. That was a big project I both dreaded and looked forward to. What remains of the mercury, is a tattoo (as the dentist call it), which is nothing short of a piece of mercury filling lodged directly in my gums (been there for 20 years and freely licked it’s poisons directly into my system) and one last mercury filling that we will take care of mid September. I knew I would have to deal with a certain amount of detox and today was the first day I felt it’s presence, but that is something very familiar to me and not at all frightening and I know it will take a few months of rebuilding, once all the dental work is fully completed- by the end of the year-, but I can see a dramatic improvement, something I treat both with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy and with a certain caution. I can’t believe that after all these years, after all that fighting, it’s finally happening. I can see the joy in my family as well, seeing their mother and wife finally returning to her old self. I’m still in pain, but this is the residual pain and the last paddle through the darkness, as we come to the other side, bathing in the light. I thank God, for everything, I thank my dear Chet for being so strong and solid during this whole nightmare, I thank my kids for being brave, I thank you, my friends and family for all your prayers. This is OUR victory, since I’ve come to fully believe no man is it’s own island. It took all of us, mostly God, to get here and I can’t wait to throw away the paddles of pain, get fully out of the boat of misery and freely walk in full health.

I look forward to take the bus just because, to make spontaneous decisions, to stop fighting the fear of passing out or falling into a neurological convulsion due to the stimulation overload. I look forward to live and not be afraid of it.

For all of you, who are still fully paddling through pain and misery, keep paddling, and one day I would love to celebrate your walk on the shore of health and freedom. There is no greater battle than the battle of a physical disease and wounded soul (mind, will and emotion). There’s no greater victory than the victory of health over them both. I call Lyme disease and MSIDS (Multi-Systemic Infectious Disease Syndrome) as I’ve been diagnosed with, Satan’s disease. It manifests just as darkly both in body and mind, making the patient a perfect target for ridicule from undereducated doctors and selfish fake friends. I’ve dealt with both the entire time, having to rise above and continue to focus on my full recovery. So, I guess the lesson is; keep your focus and disregard the junk. It’s not ease, but it’s possible. There will always be true friends on your side, focus on them, love them and cherish them. And ultimately, thank God for the second (or however many) chance of life. Life is a gift. It does not come void of pain, but despite the pain, life is a gift. Live it well.

God bless:)

Power of prayers

“Does prayer really work?”

I’ve wondered that often in the past, and there was always a level of doubt lingering around my heart, especially right after a prayer seemingly was not answered.

Since 2014, I feel very differed about prayer. I was meant to die, but God had other plans. He touched my heart so many times before, but through the “valley of shadows” or “Satan’s disease” as I eloquently put it, I’ve seen his care, like never before. Sure, the battle is not over, not yet, but that does not mean I’m not at peace. Prayers do work. It’s as simple as that. I should’ve been dead by now, maybe you too, but we’re not and, personally I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful for my friend Lynn and the fact that she is fighting her battle, or my friend Gabi, or my mother-in-law, Janet, who fought hard and succeeded:) Or Miha, or tanti Nina, or Lena, or, or , or. I’m so glad I have them in my life and I see how strong they really are.

Last night, as I was praying for someone close to my heart, I was allowed to see fragments of the invisible world- the action behind the curtain- is one way of putting it. It was brief, powerful and left my hair standing up all over my body.

A baby elephant was raising his trunk up to the sky, crying (the dear one I was praying for). Circling above his head, like vultures, were a few shadow spirits. They really looked like shadows, circling over the baby elephant. I knew the person needed help. So I continued to pray. Within minutes, brief and powerful, I saw three angels, dropping from the sky with the spread of light- just like lightning- powerful, spears drawn (meaning judgement) and going straight for the shadows. A battle was about to take place. Than all went back to normal, but I felt my heart light and there was peace.

“Well Carmen, that could be a result of your religious brainwashing…” This is a doubt I would’ve (and I did) addressed myself, in order to explain away what just happened. Not today. I do not consider myself religious at all, in fact, I avoid religion when possible. But there are realities out there beyond our understanding and it does take faith to believe them or not. Oh, come on, we all have faith in something. How about when you sit in a chair? You have faith that it will hold you up, based on repeated past experiences, etc.

So, in my humble opinion, prayers work far better than we realize and can cause a very powerful ripple in our lives. I’ll keep praying, that’s for sure. I’ll also have lots of questions, I’ll have realizations of things I thought wrong about in the past, mistakes I’ve made that I need to change, but isn’t this part of living, and hopefully living well?

So keep on praying, because in the invisible realm, powerful being (angels) go to battle for us.

God Bless.

Iertarea

Rautatea, am observat, vine din lipsa prezentei de mila. In anii de formare, cind mila si dragostea lipsesc, lasa in urma un suflet plin de rautate si duritate. Omul dur si omul rau, in secret, plinge dupa mila si dragoste, amandoua emotii cumva refuzate de persoanele de cheie. La urma urmei, ei sint suflete ranite, rama-se blocate intr-un stagiu de copil.

A ierta este cheia inceputului vietii. (Poti fi in viata dar trai intr-un stagiu de iad.) Dumnezeu ne-a pus in fata cheia vietii-iertarea-atat pe sine cit si pe aproapele tau. A ierta, inseamna a te elibera de lanturile tale conectate de persoana pe care o urasti.

Doamne ajuta-ne sa ne amintim sa iertam inainte de a produce duritate altuia. La urma, urmei si noi tinjim dupa mila, dragoste si iertare.

 

The Dreamer

About a month ago, I began a detox program- a 21 day toxic thoughts detox program to be precise- suggested by Dr. Caroline Leaf, and have noticed a few interesting changes.

First stage was exiting, as all things new tend to be, and very promising. As I continued I noticed a growing need to take those 7-10 minutes that I set aside for the program, as if an inner voice was being awakened and asking for more food. The most difficult days proved to be day 14, and 20 -probably because God showed me a few toxic thoughts I had to rid myself of: one was disappointed over self and the other a revelation that lies and confusion has caused a major havoc on my mind/ soul. But before starting the process of ridding myself of those thoughts- an additional 42 days- I required five minutes ceremonial silence honoring…what exactly I’m not sure (I was actually sobbing so much silence was nowhere near) but I kept on looking beyond what I was giving up and to what I was going to receive. You know, we’re all mighty and brave before the battle, but right in the middle of it, when we’re faced with some truths not at all cuddly and fluffy, we’re not so brave. I’m no exception. It’s like a perverse pride over the garbage we own, as if to say: I know it’s garbage but it’s my garbage, as if that makes it suddenly priceless. I quess, I became so familiar with some of those toxic thoughts, it felt as if someone was asking me to let go of my grandma-forever. I love my grandma!

So after I received the dream on day 20th – My right hand walked -unbeknown to me-into a black spider nest and seven got on board, four of them were huge, all crawled up to my head. Thankfully I manage to shake them off and Meleah, stepped and killed three -of the big ones. Interpretation: Spiders represent lies and confusion, hand is part of the health aspect, crawling to my head and all over my hair means it messed up with my clarity and vision, right side means the lies and confusion kept me from God’s purpose. The #7 is where the hope comes in, God wants to completely destroy those old lies and confusion and restore what once was there- health.

As you can see; it’s a partnership, a tango, a waltz so to speak when we let God work in our lives. We do our part, so we can mature and build the good muscles and have the great satisfaction of accomplishment (just like a child that shows the parent his/her accomplishments) and God does the rest (most of the time we’re not even aware how much he really does).

On my first day of the first 42 day part – creating a new pattern (way of thinking)-, I had another dream; I was knitting a gray hat. I finished the hat and put it on. It was very comfortable. Interpretation; I’m doing the work of renewal, gray is for wisdom and God (the well fitting) is blessing the work. Now you may sit there and say: well Carmen… these are just silly dreams and you can interpret them so many ways. Both dreams repeated three times, one right after the other, same details, same colors, same numbers. As for the interpretation, you’re right, I can interpret it so many other ways, but I’m fighting a battle and I’ll take any pep talk that I can get;) Also on day one of the 42 days, a light bulb turned on in my head, just like that, as Chet and I were talking, as we often do on Saturday mornings. It’s our thing:)

In Romania, one of my nick-name (my teachers gave me and my family picked it up) was “The Dreamer.” It was ment as an insult, but I never took it that way. I got bent out of shape by many other insults, but not this one. There was something about this insult that rang true to me in a most fantastic way. I remember thinking as I was being insulted; if you could just see the things I can see, you’d want to be a dreamer too. My world was amazing, full of possibilities and very positive, very happy. I was allowed to see secreats of a different world and a different language (I’ve tried to capture the details but I go blank every time. Clearly, I’m not allowed, to reveal these secrets, not yet and maybe never.)

So as I was talking to Chet, the light bulb went on: You’ve let go of your “Dreamer” calling because you didn’t want to look crazy in the sad and often dreary world of adulthood (it was one of the big black spiders/ lies).

So if I start acting any more peculiar than I already am, it’s because I’ve embraced, yet again, the gift given to me a long time ago. The Dreamer is back, baby! I wish you could see the things I am beginning to see. Some I will share with you, some I will keep it to myself until I’m allowed to share them. But the happiness and wonder is filling my eyes yet again, and like a child, I have the innocent joy as my eyes open to the possibilities:) I’m on day four of the 42 days of rebuilding what once was believed to be lost:)

I wish you a great day, even if the day does not feel perfect and God bless:)

Prayer

It seems I have so many things to say, but not enough inspiration to do so. However, I’ll put my best foot forward.

Monday, I ended up in emergency-this year had to be inaugurated as well, it seems- with couple of complains (as the doctors put it). I’ve been feverish, loosing weight, no appetite, nausea, headaches and… the new symptom of the month… bleeding since June 18th. The blood tests- after trying desperately to find a vein and poking me numerous times- came back normal, even if on the lower scale of things, but at least there was no infection, anemia or other issues. The ovarian/kidney/uterus ultrasound showed growth of tissue on the uterus wall where there’s not suppose to be, not cancerous, but a mild case of adenomyosis, something the doctor was uncomfortable to diagnose without a specialist’s second opinion. I have to follow up with a gynecologist and see what’s up. The perks of getting old, I guess. Hair grows places it’s not suppose to, wrinkles become a clingy and permanent problem and… we grow things, in case we need them later:).

Anyway. Changing the subject.

Prayers. This is a subject I had little to say on, if that, until recently. You see, I heard many formulas around the subject and I must have a dislike for formulas, or at least these one, because I never followed them.

“You have to pray two hours everyday, it must be in a closet, in must be on your knees, your head must always be covered (female), you must talk loud, you must whisper, you must bow, kneeling is fine, tears must be involved, no tears…” so on and so forth. (According to these rules, I’m a dirty, dirty sinner.)

I do believe these are parts of the process, but not necessarily the only way. Or a rigorous rule to follow and if you don’t, oh boy watch out, all hell breaks loose on your hiney (slang for bottom, for all my English-as- a- second- language, readers). I sure wasn’t good at all that fancy religious language I heard in other people’s prayers- something I felt little guilt over it- but now and then, found myself intrigued by their discipline and wondered-if only for few minutes. Recently I’ve realized, however, that I’ve been praying for years, daily, multiple times a day in fact, but I did it differently- my style is more of a constant dialogue with God throughout the day. To me God became my best friend not a god to bow down to and follow some special rules so I would avoid the pits of hell. Prayer, is a good tool from a neurological stand as well, a meditation that releases the brain of toxic thoughts, especially if the prayers is one of gratitude, or done on behalf of people we secretly hate and want to hurt. If you pray for them (an active form of forgiveness), slowly you’ll feel less hate towards them and more compassion. Yeh, for some it may take 80 times a day times a billion for a period of infinity years, but if you can forgive and release that poison, your health and mind will heal up- not to mention, if we all did this most of the hateful actions we do towards each other will simply cease to exist.

With my side of the mouth numb from the dentist appointment today (a feeling my friend Elizabeth knows all to well:), I wish you a blessed day today, despite it’s frustration s and struggles.

God Bless.

P.S I had a sucky 4th, full of pain and emotional struggles and I thought about some of you, struggling with your own pain. Some day sun will rain on your lives and you’ll remember how it feels to be happy and healthy again, amen:)