It seems I have so many things to say, but not enough inspiration to do so. However, I’ll put my best foot forward.
Monday, I ended up in emergency-this year had to be inaugurated as well, it seems- with couple of complains (as the doctors put it). I’ve been feverish, loosing weight, no appetite, nausea, headaches and… the new symptom of the month… bleeding since June 18th. The blood tests- after trying desperately to find a vein and poking me numerous times- came back normal, even if on the lower scale of things, but at least there was no infection, anemia or other issues. The ovarian/kidney/uterus ultrasound showed growth of tissue on the uterus wall where there’s not suppose to be, not cancerous, but a mild case of adenomyosis, something the doctor was uncomfortable to diagnose without a specialist’s second opinion. I have to follow up with a gynecologist and see what’s up. The perks of getting old, I guess. Hair grows places it’s not suppose to, wrinkles become a clingy and permanent problem and… we grow things, in case we need them later:).
Anyway. Changing the subject.
Prayers. This is a subject I had little to say on, if that, until recently. You see, I heard many formulas around the subject and I must have a dislike for formulas, or at least these one, because I never followed them.
“You have to pray two hours everyday, it must be in a closet, in must be on your knees, your head must always be covered (female), you must talk loud, you must whisper, you must bow, kneeling is fine, tears must be involved, no tears…” so on and so forth. (According to these rules, I’m a dirty, dirty sinner.)
I do believe these are parts of the process, but not necessarily the only way. Or a rigorous rule to follow and if you don’t, oh boy watch out, all hell breaks loose on your hiney (slang for bottom, for all my English-as- a- second- language, readers). I sure wasn’t good at all that fancy religious language I heard in other people’s prayers- something I felt little guilt over it- but now and then, found myself intrigued by their discipline and wondered-if only for few minutes. Recently I’ve realized, however, that I’ve been praying for years, daily, multiple times a day in fact, but I did it differently- my style is more of a constant dialogue with God throughout the day. To me God became my best friend not a god to bow down to and follow some special rules so I would avoid the pits of hell. Prayer, is a good tool from a neurological stand as well, a meditation that releases the brain of toxic thoughts, especially if the prayers is one of gratitude, or done on behalf of people we secretly hate and want to hurt. If you pray for them (an active form of forgiveness), slowly you’ll feel less hate towards them and more compassion. Yeh, for some it may take 80 times a day times a billion for a period of infinity years, but if you can forgive and release that poison, your health and mind will heal up- not to mention, if we all did this most of the hateful actions we do towards each other will simply cease to exist.
With my side of the mouth numb from the dentist appointment today (a feeling my friend Elizabeth knows all to well:), I wish you a blessed day today, despite it’s frustration s and struggles.
P.S I had a sucky 4th, full of pain and emotional struggles and I thought about some of you, struggling with your own pain. Some day sun will rain on your lives and you’ll remember how it feels to be happy and healthy again, amen:)