Where Do I Find a Christian Husband?

Inspired By Mathew Pierce’s piece “Where do I find a Christian wife?” https://mpierce.substack.com/p/where-do-i-find-a-christian-wife?utm_source=email&s=r

The most dangerous thing for a woman is to be single because she’ll end up scared, and without kids. Women love little people. Not all of them, but only some, they also like sparkly things too but as a Christian that’s Bad. You have to be okay watching other people have sparkly stuff. Once a woman gets married to a godly man she never has to worry about being alone, or bored. She will have to put up with the sex, but Sherry tolled me that it’s not too bad and you can tell him you have a headache and it will work out. She’s 17 and knows everything, she’s really smart. 

When a woman does not get married, bad things happen. Like Joan of Arc, she was so scared she made herself a sword and since the men didn’t want to marry her she joined them in the army. It’s like the best buddy guard option ever, and it’s free. 

So how do you get a Christian man to marry you? Like in the Bible times?

The Christian Husband Store is also called Home Depot and Lowes. There are two stores. So it’s good. Food is the key. So women must know how to cook pizza and Mexican food, so the men follow the smell and they marry them on the spot. Cook a pizza and go to Home Depot or Lowes, around 5pm, the men are very hungry and tired so they will not notice you have no make-up. Sherry said some of her friends got men like that. Make-up is Bad. You don’t want to be a Jezebel, do you? She was Very Bad!

In your bed:

If he is not married to you: Very Bad

If he also has another wife: Very, Very Bad.

If he is your husband: Good. Now you have to smile, he likes that.

Construction sites:

Men like to climb things and show how brave they are so you must walk by construction sites and smile. If they see you happy to see them all dirty they will marry you. But make sure they are not married already cause that’s VERY BAD.

In church:

They hang around in church, usually with the Bible in their hands. They are shy so you have to be brave. And smile. But your clothes have to cover all your lady parts, otherwise is Very Bad! If they start to get old, they will want to marry you quick. Some of the men like little people too. So there’s only a certain time to make them. They also like you to be pretty but very quiet, men like women who don’t speak. Sherry tolled me. Cause they take lots of naps and stuff.

If you are Baptist, go to Home Depot. If you are reformed, go to Office Max. If you are Charismatic, go to a Big Fife, they like Big TVs. If you like big TV’S too they’ll marry you. If you are a Catholic, go to Lowes.

We’ll I found my husband, he got off a bus with tight jeans on and I was like really red and thought: gosh, o golly. But then he was the one that pursued me as the Christian fashion calls so in the end, it was all good. But this article is to help you find one.

God Bless and I’ll pray for you.

Where Do I Find a Christian Wife?

Borrowed work. Written by Matthey Pierce. I just could not help but share this fun piece. Enjoy

Where Do I Find a Christian Wife?

matthew pierce
21 hr ago



Probably the most dangerous thing for a Christian man is to be single, because horny. Once you get married, you never have to worry about being horny again, because your wife is naked all the time and you get to have sex 20-25 times per day, I know this is true because at youth group Jacob and Asher’s brother Caleb was there and that’s what he said, and he knows a lot because he is 18. Also, because he’s 18, it’s not a sin when he smokes in the parking lot, he said that, too.
When a Christian man doesn’t get married, bad things happen. Just look at Martin Luther: he wanted to be Pope real bad but back then the popes had to be bachelors. So Luther didn’t get married. But then they found out that he wasn’t even Catholic, he was Lutheran, and they were like “hmm, pretty close, but not enough weird traditions, no pope for you” and Martin Luther got so mad that he made a list of various things and then nailed the Wittenberg whore. Then one day his son was like “I have a dream” and I guess it was about how everyone should get to be a pope, no matter what color you are. 
Friends, we have to face the musicians: a Christian man needs to find a godly woman. But how does that work?
Well, in the Bible, when the Israelites were always fighting with the Philippians, in whichever Testament that is, there are some pretty wild stories about men getting wives. At one point the Israelites were told to go to where the nice ladies were and carry one off. We still have this today; it is called Christian college. But what about those who don’t go to Christian college? Where should they go to find a Christian wife?
Easy. I’ll tell you.
The Christian Wife StoreIn most areas, these go by the name Hobby Lobby. These stores are always full of Christian ladies. And yes, it’s true, most of them are already married, but don’t lose heart: look for the employees! Any given Hobby Lobby store will employ 3-5 single Christian homeschooled women who have been told to put their lives on hold and practice knitting until God sends them a husband. They are wearing jean skirts; this is the sign. You have a window here: they are at Hobby Lobby for now, but soon they will get really into deconstruction podcasts, then they will be angry for five years and get a tattoo, then they will have kids and occasionally vote for a Republican candidate who reminds them of their father, even though they would never admit this. 
So, go up and talk to the clerk at the fabric counter who is 26 and wearing a jean skirt with white Keds. She doesn’t know anything about makeup, but she will understand your oddball Biblical theories. Was Melchizedek actually Shem? Go, king. 
In your bedIs there a lady in your bed? If so, is she married? (this is the important question)
If she is married to you: GOOD
If she is married, but not to you: VERY, VERY BAD
If she is not married: THIS IS ALSO BAD. You need to give my youth pastor a call, it may be time for you to rededicate yourself to radical purity. He can bring you a pledge card to sign.
Under the enchanted forest rockJourney into the deep woods at dawn. Past the silent river; over the black hills. Using your LifeWay brand Proverbs 31 dowsing rods, look for the moss-covered boulder that lies on the western bank of the calming brook. Carefully approach the boulder from downwind and lift it using the Staff of Mohler. As soon as you do this, play Steven Curtis Chapman’s song His Eyes on speaker from your phone. There will be several Godly women hiding under the boulder; the sultry tones of the mandolin will momentarily entrance them. Quickly fall to your knees and propose to one of them before it gets to “sometimes His eyes were gentle” because that means the song is almost over and the women will disappear into the brook and not be seen again until the next blood moon. 
The bra aisleOne thing Christian women love is underwear. Probably a good idea is to go to the bra or panty aisle of your local department store1 and just kind of hang out. Maybe be standing there reading a theology book, real cool-like. Well hello there. Don’t mind me, just doing some light reading on the principles of…you know, I couldn’t help but notice that you are looking at the underwear. No no, no need to call for store security, I actually have no idea what girl privates look like, my mom tore that page out of the anatomy textbook when I was homeschooled, anyway do you believe in destiny?
The last place you left herSimply retrace your steps. Did you lose your godly wife before you went out to run errands? Then she is probably in the house somewhere. Did you accidentally leave her sitting on top of the washing machine when you were doing laundry? Did you place her on the counter when you put the leftovers away? Perhaps you only think you lost her; perhaps you forgot that tonight is Melchizedek role play night and she is in the bedroom waiting for you to come prepare the offering.

if you are Baptist, go to Walmart. If you are reformed, go to Target. If you are Charismatic, go to a sporting goods store where they sell athletic wear