Where Do I Find a Christian Husband?

Inspired By Mathew Pierce’s piece “Where do I find a Christian wife?” https://mpierce.substack.com/p/where-do-i-find-a-christian-wife?utm_source=email&s=r

The most dangerous thing for a woman is to be single because she’ll end up scared, and without kids. Women love little people. Not all of them, but only some, they also like sparkly things too but as a Christian that’s Bad. You have to be okay watching other people have sparkly stuff. Once a woman gets married to a godly man she never has to worry about being alone, or bored. She will have to put up with the sex, but Sherry tolled me that it’s not too bad and you can tell him you have a headache and it will work out. She’s 17 and knows everything, she’s really smart. 

When a woman does not get married, bad things happen. Like Joan of Arc, she was so scared she made herself a sword and since the men didn’t want to marry her she joined them in the army. It’s like the best buddy guard option ever, and it’s free. 

So how do you get a Christian man to marry you? Like in the Bible times?

The Christian Husband Store is also called Home Depot and Lowes. There are two stores. So it’s good. Food is the key. So women must know how to cook pizza and Mexican food, so the men follow the smell and they marry them on the spot. Cook a pizza and go to Home Depot or Lowes, around 5pm, the men are very hungry and tired so they will not notice you have no make-up. Sherry said some of her friends got men like that. Make-up is Bad. You don’t want to be a Jezebel, do you? She was Very Bad!

In your bed:

If he is not married to you: Very Bad

If he also has another wife: Very, Very Bad.

If he is your husband: Good. Now you have to smile, he likes that.

Construction sites:

Men like to climb things and show how brave they are so you must walk by construction sites and smile. If they see you happy to see them all dirty they will marry you. But make sure they are not married already cause that’s VERY BAD.

In church:

They hang around in church, usually with the Bible in their hands. They are shy so you have to be brave. And smile. But your clothes have to cover all your lady parts, otherwise is Very Bad! If they start to get old, they will want to marry you quick. Some of the men like little people too. So there’s only a certain time to make them. They also like you to be pretty but very quiet, men like women who don’t speak. Sherry tolled me. Cause they take lots of naps and stuff.

If you are Baptist, go to Home Depot. If you are reformed, go to Office Max. If you are Charismatic, go to a Big Fife, they like Big TVs. If you like big TV’S too they’ll marry you. If you are a Catholic, go to Lowes.

We’ll I found my husband, he got off a bus with tight jeans on and I was like really red and thought: gosh, o golly. But then he was the one that pursued me as the Christian fashion calls so in the end, it was all good. But this article is to help you find one.

God Bless and I’ll pray for you.

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