https://youtu.be/NJukOh736Sk

Trenul din statia “Rinichilor” a plecat cu o piatra de 2mm spre urmatoarea statie; cel putin asa mi sa spus Duminica seara la spital, ceea ce explica de ce in ultima luna nu m-am simtit chiar asa in forma. In aceste momente de odihna trec prin scrisorile primite in trecut de la unii sau de la altii. Binenteles ca plang cand citesc randurile scrise de mama (sunt ca o comoara pentru sufletul meu) si rad citind cele scrise de fratii si sora mea. Dar am gasit o scrisoare scrisa de unchiu Marcel care mi-a amintit de timpurile cand ascultam formatia crestina LAMB- (am trimis un cantec mai sus in caz ca sunte-ti curiosi) si trecand printre lanurile propozitiilor si a cuvintelor srise in trecut, imi reamintesc cata dragoste era intre frati si surori si ce grea era viata materiala in acele timpuri. Tot odata inteleg ca vin vremuri grele iar pentru multi va fi foarte greu, ceea ce ma face sa ma rog mai mult pentru pace si speranta in general. In trecut erau momente cand eu una ma bucuram de lucrurile simple si acum mutandu-ne “la tara” vad ce frumoasa e viata simpla din nou. Multa munca dar isi are o frumusete simplistica si o legatura cu natura din jur extrem de apropiata. In primavara vom cumpara pui de gaina sa avem oua de casa. Vom planta pomi fructiferi, vita de vie si ne vom pune si gradina. Drept vorbind sper sa iese ceva din gradina aia:)

Dar revin, citind aceste cuvinte din scrisori pline de o credinta simpla si frumoasa ma re-leaga cu ce este important, anume relatiile intre oameni si relatiile intre mine si Dumnezeu si apreciez temelia pe care stau construita de parinti, frati si surori, prieteni si cunostinte si in primul rand Dumnezeu, o temelie buna si puternica care desi a trecut prin multe furtuni a rezistat si rezista, datorita semintelor si eforturile puse in mine de altii. La randul meu incerc sa nu fiu oarba nevoilor celor din jur, si sa-mi amintesc ca un zamber, sau o vorba buna face mult pentru un cineva care trece prin incercari.

Inchei prin a spune ca pacea care numai Dumnezeu o poate da sa ne umple vietile ca sa nu traim intr-un mediu plin de frica si deznadejde. Va las ca trebuie sa pun cateva lemne in soba sa nu se stinga focul-asa incalzim casa:) Va doresc o saptamana buna cu multa pace si D-nul cu voi:)

God Bless:)

Au trecut ceva ani de cand nu am mai scris despre anumite persoane dragi mie care au avut un impact frumos si pozitiv in viata mea.

Cami fosta Seman, a fost o alta prietena indragita de mine foarte mult si asa va ramane in inima mea pana voi muri. De fapt familia Seman este o familie extraordinara (pe langa alte familii cu care am avut legatura directa ca si familia Crisan, Carp, Popovici, Hada, Rotariu, Macovei, Muresan, si multe alte familiii care pe moment si din pacate nu-mi amintesc numele lor de familie).

Deci revin la Cami. Doamne ce frumoasa mi se parea mie Cami cand eram adolescenta, si eleganta, precum si extrem de finuta. Sunt sigura ca a ramas la fel desi nu ne-am vazut de mult timp. Mergeam acasa pe jos impreauna de la biserica, discutand fel de fel de discutii importante sufletelor noastre pe acea perioada. Nu eram singure, in gasca noastra erau Ica si Lena- pe care le consider femei extraordinare- Dorina, etc. Deseori cand ma gandesc in trecut ii multumesc lui Dumenzeu pentru dragostea care mi-a aratat-o prin aceste persoane -si multe altele-in viata mea. Dar Cami, prin felul ei finut era ca si sezonul de primavara pentru mine, plina de culori placute si parfum.

Rar ma deschid, si de ce acuma? Sau de ce prin blogul asta? Dumnezeu ma tot imbarbateaza sa-mi deschid sufletul si sa fiu vulnerabila cu voi, cititorii mei, si ca atare o fac. In lupta cu boala care m-a atacat mi-am dat seama cati oameni deosebiti in viata mea nu vor stii niciodata cad de mult au contat si inca mai conteaza pentru mine, in caz ca mor fara sa le spun. E important sa ne spunem unui altuia asemenea lucruri, cel putin asa cred eu.

Ce concluzie vreau sa trag? Nu stii niciodata ce diferenta poti face in viata unui om prin gesturi simpledar frumoase: un zambet, o incurajare, un evantai cand ti-e cald, o prajitura cand ti-e foame, o prietenie cand te simti singur. Astfel lucreaza Dumnezeu, prin noi si daca nu ne incurajam si apreciem unii pe altii, Satan (sau partea negativa, duhurile negative si toxice) vor invinge. Si duhurile negative tot prin om lucreaza, deci daca oamenii toxici sunt mai guralivi cei cu iubire in suflet sunt mai activi in fapte. Sper.

Deci Cami daca vei citi aceste cuvinte, multumesc din nou pentru prietenia care mi-ai oferit-o. Am avut nevoie de ea:)

God Bless:)

Buna dragilor. Am dat de o cutie de scrisori pastrate de mine dealungul anilor, scrisori de la parinti, frati si prieteni si de o saptamana le recitesc cu drag. Cuvinte frumoase de la Ica, Camelia Seman (fosta), Nicoleta Muresan, Stoienoiu Monica, Simona Lavric, tusa Rodica si unchiu Marcel, Simona Anitei (fosta) si multe alte persoane si trec prin lanul memoriilor cu zambet in suflet.

Dar cuvintele unei mame, mai ales unei mame care nu mai este fizic aici pe pamant cu noi, sunt cele mai de pret. Prin aceste cuvinte ea imi aminteste multe lucruri care le-am auzit dealungul anilor, lucruri frumoase la adresa lui Dumnezeu ca de exemplu: “Eu una cred in fagaduinta lui Dumnezeu prin cuvantul sau ca daca eu sunt in El si El este conducatorul vietii mele (aceptand aceasta in fiecare zi): “Astazi a intrat mantuirea in casa aceasta” sau “Tu si casa ta” ve-ti fi mantuiti, primindu-va pe toti ca o binecuvantare si daruri de la Dumnezeu asa ve-ti ramane mereu “ai Lui” nu ai mei.” Randurile astea mau pus pe gand: cand am spus ultima data Doamne ca-ci ai mei copii sunt ai tai? Ca atare iti multumesc ca mi i-ai dat imprumut pe aceasta perioada a vietii pe pamant si da-mi in continuare intelepciune sai sfatuiesc in planurile care le au pentru viitorul lor dar sa nu uit de tine Doamne. O mama draga nu am inteles eu mai nimic pana nu am devenit si eu mama. Cat de mult fac vorbele mamei, mai ales a unei mame intelepte. Cat de buna temelie construieste mama care iubeste pe Dumenzeu si se lasa ajutata de El. Roadele se vad de obicei dupa multi ani si numai atunci de multe ori. Rabdarea unei mame e nelimitata.

A trebuit sa impart aceste lucruri cu voi azi:) Va doresc o zi,sear, dimineata buna si muta rabdare, putere si intelepciune pentru toate mamele, pentru ca ele construiesc viitorul.

God Bless:)

Ehh, ce tinerei erau ei aici in fortografie:)

In viata nu ai cum sa inaintezi fara ajutorul celor apropiati. Domnul pune multe persoane in calea noastra sau in cazul asta in familia noastra ca sa ne ajute si sa ne indrume. Ei, pentru mine printre acesti oameni speciali sunt si unchiu Marcel si tusa Rodica.

Oameni buni si muncitori au trecut prin multe incercari in viata lor dar si au biruit. Ma impresionat intotdeauna faptul ca au avut mult curaj si au reusit sa faca multe in viata.

Unchiu a muncit ca miner in Judetul Hunedoara. Asta mi-aduc aminte cand eram eu copil, pe urma a plecat in strainatate si a lucrat in Austria si Italia. Pentru cei care sunt plecati din tara in strainate stiu ca nu-i usor sa traiesti printre straini. Dar revenim la timpurile copilariei: cand mergeam la ei acasa eram bine veniti, serviti tot timpul cu mancare buna si conversatia era interesanta. (Eu sunt o persoana tacuta cand stam fata in fata, ca atare nu interesanta, dar tusa si unchiu in schimb nu-s asa.)

Sora mai mica a lui mama, tusa este alta persoana importanta in viata mea:) Imi place ca e cocheta, si are un fel foarte clar si frumos de a vorbi. Foarte foarte amiabila. (Sunt multe cuvinte care le-am uitat pe romaneste si imi limiteaza stilul de a scrie, scuze.) Cand mergeam la ei-pe timpul copilariei- ma jucam mult cu verisorii mei mai mari, dar cand am crescut si eram domnisoara stateam altfel de vorba cu tusa si unchiu:) Si acuma, ma bucur mult cand pot vorbi cu tusa, ea imi aduce aminte mult de anumite aspecte din copilaria ei si a lui mama:) Cu dar profetic mi-aduc aminte multe cercuri de rugaciuni se faceau la ei in apartamentul din Hunedoara, pe vremea comunismului. E, ce vremuri. Tot la ea am petrecut mult timp la telefon cand vorbeam cu Chet inainte de a ne casatori. Pe timpul ala trebuia sa astept cel putin jumate de ora pana se facea legatura si asteptand, stateam de vorba cand de una cand de alta cu ei. Vorbind cu tusa aflu multe lucruri din trecutul ei, si o apreciez si mai mult. A trecut prin multe dar a si biruit mult cu ajutorul lui Dumnezeu si sunt mandra de ea:) Si de unchiu. Pe vremea comunismului nu a fost usor pentru familiile crestine si cu multi copii, dar in ciuda faprului asta au trecut cu ajutorul D-lui peste multe dificultati. Dar tusa a fost si a ramas frumoasa:) Doamne iti multumesc ca ii am in viata mea si le doresc in continuare multa sanatate si multa pace de la Domnul:)

For more context read Parts 1, 2, and 3.

Part 4

“The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury, but it doesn’t show on the outside.”

Or is it?

“Parents who are emotionally immature …they discount feelings and fear emotional intimacy. Such parents may even become nervous and angry if their children get upset, punishing them instead of comforting them. These reactions shut down children’s instinctive urge to reach out, closing the door to emotional contact. This type of loneliness isn’t an odd or senseless feeling; it’s the predictable result of growing up without sufficient empathy from others.”

I’ve been on the receiving end of this emotional loneliness and the giving end too and it explains a lot, (at least to me) of my earlier emotional struggles. Let me make one thing clear. We all struggle no matter how wonderful or not our parents are, no matter the environment we grew up in, etc. Some people struggle from being spoiled brats with entitled attitudes, while others struggle to find value and meaning before it’s too late.

And it’s right about now I feel the anxiety hit me: Why do you write about these things? Who cares about this stuff? You’re embarrassing yourself. No one’s perfect so why do you have to always pick at things?

I care. As Eleen put it. I care. Deep breath in. Keep going Carmen even if it’s a mistake. That’s how you learn. Self-talk guys, that’s my self-talk as I try not to hyperventilate here. Did I tell you that I HATE BEING VULNERABLE AND OPENING UP? I do. Keep it together. Breath. Continue. With frightful tears in my eyes, I’ll continue.

“Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people’s needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others. lacking adequate parental support or connections, many emotionally deprived children are eager to leave childhood behind. They perceive that the best solution is to grow up quickly and become self-sufficient. These children become competent beyond their years but lonely at their core. They often jump into adulthood prematurely. getting jobs as soon as they can, becoming sexually active, marrying early, or joining the service. It’s as though they’re saying, Since I’m already taking care of myself, I might as well go ahead and get the benefits of growing up fast. They look forward to adulthood believing it offers freedom and a chance to belong. Sadly, in their rush to leave home, they may end up marrying the wrong person, tolerating exploitation, or staying with a job that takes more than it gives. They often settle for emotional loneliness in their relationship because it feels normal to them, like their early home life.”

From a biblical point of view here are some verses: 1 Colossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:3-4; Ephesians 4:29; Proverbs 12:18; Proverbs 15:4; Proverbs 15:1; Proverbs 22:24-25; Proverbs 19:18; Luke 6:31 are some of them.

Well, that explains a few things to me about my early lack of trust in any relationship. As a child, I had to take the role of a parent, a referee, a pleaser, and a worker. I did grow up before my time but I’ve learned strength as well, yet… that emotional loneliness was ever so present unbeknown to me.

Thank God for one thing. Since 2014 and this battle with Lyme I’ve learned so much about myself and have been recovering faithfully. I hope the same for you.

But why do you feel guilty for being unhappy? Coming up in Part 5.

*All quotes are taken from the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson, PsyD

Part 3

For context read Parts 1 and 2.

Note: I would never presume anyone could or should change overnight. It takes time to heal. My walk toward healing began many years ago and it was a gradual advance. At times I got stuck. At times I had great victories. A deep desire fueled my efforts to search, read and practice what I learned. If I would have read the books I’m reading today back then most likely I would’ve reacted to the information. Today it’s different. I can put my ego aside and read them with intense interest and perspective.

Why so angry?

I’ve asked myself this question over the years while busy blaming people. There was some foundation to my acute anger, such as a certain amount of pain and hard life circumstances but let me tell you where I went wrong. I call it a chronic state of anger. Yep. And I chose to live in that state, unintentionally at first but habitually later on.

What is chronic anger? At least in my case? Choosing to repeat over and over in my mind some unfortunate event that happened to me a thousand times. My body thus lived a thousand perceived misfortunes and it paid dearly for that. Since at times, I’m positive I was the cause of someone else’s pain this is a subject that includes most of us. This is not a blame game but rather a way to heal, the road out of a bad cycle we can get trapped in.

Consequence of chronic anger? A weakened immune system over a prolonged period of time until the bomb explodes inside us and we are no longer the people we used to be. This happens due to “forgiveness insufficiency” as I call it, or forgiveness atrophy in my case. I’ve never used the forgiving muscles while younger and when I needed them they were not there to do the job, thus forgiveness atrophy followed.

How do we change?

There are many books and therapy styles out there. I’ll choose the two books I’m reading at the moment. Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents -How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, and Mind to Matter by Dawson Church.

We’ll start with Emotional Neglect.

To be continued in Part 4.

Part 2

For context please read Part 1.

Hi, my name is Carmen and I’m an angroholic. Yes, you read that right, angroholic. It’s been a while since my last fit, but this anger lurkes ever so slimy in the background and it’s work on my behalf that keeps it at bay.

anger

noun [ U ]

US  /ˈæŋ.ɡɚ/ UK  /ˈæŋ.ɡər/

B2

a strong feeling that makes you want to hurt someone or be unpleasant because of something unfair or unkind that has happened:

Out of the many styles of manifested anger, mine is the silent type, the kind of anger I’m too ashamed of feeling because I was thought that it isn’t spiritual or godly to express anger, so it became a hidden danger, a danger when not thought properly turns into resentment.

Is anger bad? Not always. There are certain circumstances in life that require a healthy angry response. For example, if you see your child being bullied or your mom being hit or any other type of injustice. A reaction follows usually out of love and the need to protect. Or if a car starts to slide towards you, you get out of the way since fear shouts out an urgent response to the brain and the brain gives the command: move away from danger. A healthy survival mechanism.

Is chronic anger bad? Yes. Always. It’s about the latter that I will be talking about.

But why so angry? It is this road we’ll travel in this mini-series of mine.

To be continued in Part 3.

Photo by Lucas Martins from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/highway-near-trees-under-cloudy-sky-1649761/

Part 1

I feel I have neglected you, dear reader, these past two years. I’ve given you facts but I kept my heart mostly to myself. Well, it’s been a hard two years with too many collosol losses, so my mind nearly lived on a surface level, avoiding the deep ends of heart-searching. In a way it was refreshing. Too much thinking is known to be detrimental.

How am I, really? Improving in all aspects, slowly. However, I’m still very much in a state of health that remains socially unreliable at times as I continually keep a close watch over my health. I got covid at the end of October 2022, for the first time. Since then a lingering chest issue remains. This issue has weakened the immune system to such an extent that some Lyme symptoms seem to sprout again, along with some kidney issues.

Despite this, I’ve had a nagging feeling these past months that I should start writing again, more in-depth and meaningful but I have been struggling with the subject that I should address. So I’ll pick one that it’s of interest to me now and if that changes along the way it shall be seen.

Chronic illness, I learned a long time back, it’s a physical “cry out” to an emotional and well-hidden “cry in”. This “cry-in” combined with destructive habits such as a poor diet, poor or abusive mental self-talk, and lack of care is seen almost entirely existing along patients who struggle with chronic illness. So I had to take a look at my own life, to examine this life I have been given as a gift but perceived otherwise for many years or taken for granted. My diet was excellent by American standards even if a bit heavy on carbs. (Weirdly I don’t care for pasta dishes so it’s mostly bread, pastry, and cakes.) I moved quite a bit even if I didn’t do strenuous exercise so why did I get chronically sick? I asked myself that question many times over these past eight years, avoiding the one obvious answer staring me in the face all along.

To be continued in Part 2.