If there’s anything that injured and affected my soul (mind) over the years, is the disappointment over self, deeply intertwined with a high dislike- borderline hate- of my own gender, especially the reproductive system connected to my gender.

I am HIGHLY hesitant to talk about this subject, ill equipped to write about it and quite uncomfortable. I’ve managed to ignore the growing voice within my belly the past two weeks and this is my third attempt on writing about this issue. I’ve pretended, the past two weeks, the impulse pushing me to write on this subject was simply a self-talk and nothing else, no big deal, not important, especially not important enough to reveal such deep hidden secrets about my inner struggles publicly. Like a parent with a nagging child, I became tired of constantly being reminded, that for some crazy reason you need to hear about it and chose yet again, despite my inner arguments, to put myself in a most vulnerable position (I seriously doubt my sanity at this point) and share with you a few things (even if ill equipped to do so). Bare in mind that I’ve just begun my healing process in this particular toxic past thinking and it’s an issue I’m not comfortable at all to approach. But usually, after I listen to that inner voice I’ve come to recognize as from God (some may think it’s a neurological off-beat syndrome of craziness) I end up having peace about it. I’ll ask once more the same question I’ve asked many times before:

Why do I have to talk about such intimate issues, God? I would much rather pretend I’ve got it all together and smile all the way to the loony hospital:)

Here I go.

Where did this toxic thought towards my gender came from? I can safely point out a few sources; my own family culture, my Romanian culture, the Pentecostal culture I grew up in and surprisingly, later on the American culture (the only two cultures I’ve experienced). But I dare go further into our past: the history, the stories, the evidence points out to a clear inequality between the two genders. On top of that the image of God has been linked to the masculine gender far more than not, despite the fact that a spirit does not have a gender. This is not a blog about me demanding some feminist rights, or hate speech against the male gender. Not at all, at least that’s not what I feel in my heart at the moment. This is about a wrong and clearly toxic though against myself and my personal gender that has been hunting me for too long. Somehow, along the years (mostly in my early teens) I’ve grabbed unto some wrong ideas and let it conquer and punch me to a self destructive point. (If hate and trauma produces disease in the body- something science is beginning to agree with- then you bet I’m right when I say I let it destroy me.)

I have begun a research journey in all aspects of God’s character (both female and male attributes, despite the fact that a spirit is gender less). Most ancient Aramaic writings recognized that Holy Spirit was like a Mother (feminine) and that was fairly common knowledge among the Jewish people at the time. Now there are still few arguments, so my research goes on. The more I dig the more God’s showing me that I’m asking the wrong questions. It’s not about male vs female, two camps constantly competing with each other- a personal understanding based on social and religious aspects and lessons I’ve learned from the society around me- rather, it’s about a unified merge of the two in constant good vibrations and harmonious cooperation (frankly something very foreign to the human species- just take a look around and within to see the proof). We, as a human race, would much rather live with fear and hate than learn how to see beyond those limitations and start to act like true magnificent creations of God. Free will, I say.

This issue of mine come from a pool of hurt from within my heart, hurt I did not invent it out of boredom but was dumped on me in certain circumstances. Some of those burdens, however, I’ve volunteered to carry them long after the circumstance was gone.

Why do I feel a disappointment towards self- specifically towards my gender? There’s the obvious and there’s the other side of everything; a world we don’t see, but sense it’s presence from time to time. I was allowed to see a few days ago a spiritual being, constantly moving in shape and colors, like liquid matter but it also maintained it’s form, which was of feminine appearance, no doubt about it. It was an aspect of God’s character but not the entire character of God. I was tolled: if God lives within us we sit on the throne with him, (a mix of this continuous liquid like form was God and I saw myself in the mix, part of the mix, like mixing two different colored water jars and they move together in a harmonious rhythm). I was a little startle, since it felt to me like a new age way of thinking, but I was allowed to understand that new age stuff is actually inspired from the Bible, but they (the movement) put a twist to it, making christians afraid to even get close to anything resembling that area of understanding. My advice to you is this; take what is good (as the Bible tells us to) and really pray about the others things that may not fully captivate your understanding or may not have your full approval. I know I do this myself, it’s a subject I’m walking on right now like a toddler who’s just learning to walk and has a million questions. Yet, I keep on experiencing God’s presence and he showed me things that may blow my puny mind but it sure makes me think and ask questions.

Another answer from God; Woman, through their abilities to give birth to a living being and their high tuned instinctual sense (6th sense) are hated by the invisible negative realm far deeper than men (but men are not that far behind). Like I said, pray about anything you read and may not agree with. My intent is not to mess with you, to confuse you or to argue with you. My intent is to bring light into any inner struggle that some of you may have, similar to my own struggles, and some of the answers I get may help you or, at least, point you in the right direction.

This is a major struggle, in me, but I sense in many women, and I’ll continue to search and walk towards healing.

God bless.